Stupid Greener Grass

 

So a few months ago, I was absolutely miserable. I was sitting in a cubicle 8 to 10 hours a day, watching my life drain away and feeling like it was in perpetual pause. For people who don’t know what perpetual pause is (and you shouldn’t, because I just made that phrase up), its when every single day of your life feels exactly the same and the only think that changes is the amount of crows feet on your face.

So I did what any normal person would do to fix my problem. I antagonized my employer until they had no choice but to fire me. In all honesty, it was only a matter of time. I was incredibly bad at my job and I am still amazed to this day that it took everyone 6 years to notice.

I think I might be prettier than I originally thought.

I would like to say straight off, I have no regrets. My job was guaranteed to end only one way.With me flinging myself out a window if we had another ‘Lean Process’ meeting.

The freelancing is going well. I’m actually a bit busier than I can handle at the moment, with new clients sending me query letters every day. I’ve finished a novella and almost finished my sequel and I’m pretty sure as soon as I put them up, I’ll have a decent amount of residual income coming in from book sales.

But how do I put this? Oh yeah, I’M FUCKING BORED. I’m spending like 16 hours a day on my computer. How do the fat guys who live in their moms basements do this? I’m tired of wearing sweatpants and putting my hair in a pony tail. I’m tired of forgetting what day it is, what month it is and sometimes what year it is. The only people I see are my brother and my son and I’ve run out of shit to say to both of them.

I miss coworkers and inappropriate workplace jokes. I miss mean spirited rumors and snide office gossip. I miss high heels, wearing lipstick and fixing myself up in the morning.

So I’m considering a part time job. Many people might be scream, ‘why!, you’re living the dream. You answer to no one. You’re self-employed!” But in all honesty, I have to disagree. Why? Because now is the perfect time to get a part time job.

I have absolutely nothing to lose.

I don’t need the job and I don’t need the money. What I need is the human interaction and change of pace. And if that human interaction and change of pace doesn’t meet my standards, if my boss is an asshole or the work is boring, there is nothing in the world to keep me from photocopying my middle finger and sliding it into all my coworkers inboxes. There’s nothing to keep me from quitting in a way that will get me escorted from the building by security. And there is nothing keeping me from posting it on my blog for all your entertainment.

And if it turns out the grass was greener when I was sitting behind my desk 16 hours a day, there’s nothing to stop me from going back to it.

I might start looking tomorrow. Then again, this might be a delusion brought on by the dangerous levels of sleeping pills and beer I’m mixing. If so, disregard.

If not, I think I might make a good DJ.