Maybe Not Monday: The Tom Cruise Lookalike In That They Are Both Delusional Edition

On today's Maybe Not Monday, we are going to talk about A WHOLE MESS of things.

I'm almost kind of scared that some of you aren't ready for this.

But you must be.

First, the things you should know about this profile that I cannot show you because I don't want to get sued:

1) He is a moderately handsome man from Manhattan. I say this to you because a couple things you will read below might make you automatically think he's a Jersey Shore boy. And honestly, if he were, some of these things could be overlooked or maybe even forgiven. But this guy obviously knows better, SO THEY'RE NOT. In fact, I am 99% sure that if you took a look at his profile with me, you would immediately say, "He kind of reminds me of Christian Bale's character from American Psycho ." And to that I would say, "Hey. Me, too."

2) His username is a variation of "WellEndowed635".
Later on in his profile he makes it sound like his username is alluding to his trust fund. But it's enough of a euphemism where anyone with 25% of proper brain function knows that he really wants you to think it refers to the size of his personal man muscle.

You know...down there.

His penis, I mean. He's talking about his penis, you guys! He's trying to tell us how big his penis is by using "well endowed" in his username.

Men, this is gross. To put it frankly, all you're going to attract with this are skanks. If you're looking to weed out all respectable and intelligent girls who possess an ounce of self-worth and a limited history of psychotic tendencies and venereal disease, then please, by all means, follow his lead. But for the rest of you, know that very few girls of quality are going to want to date someone they met online who had a username of "WellEndowed635".

2) His pics are mostly shots taken of himself in the mirror, and he uses the captions to list the items of designer clothes he's wearing.
MEN OF THE EARTH. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, and I will now say it again: Under no uncertain terms are you EVER to use a profile picture that you have taken of yourself while standing in front of the mirror. It makes us wonder if you have no friends, and that's why you only have pictures you took of yourself to use in your profile. It makes us wonder if you're vain, and if standing in front of the mirror, smirking at yourself, is something you do a lot, whether or not we're around. We also wonder how, in this day and age, you have not figured out how to at least position the camera so it doesn't show in the mirror, like all the girls before you who figured that out three years ago to raging Facebook profile picture success.

Just stop doing it. Ask a friend to take a picture for you. If you're embarrassed to say it's for your online profile, tell him you're sending it to your mom. Better yet, get a gal pal to do it for you - girls LOVE doing that shit, and she'll make sure you come out of it with a really, really good picture of yourself. If you're embarrassed to get your friends to do it, go to a busy street and ask some friendly passer-by to do it for it. WHATEVER. Just stop doing it in the mirror with the camera phone flash and your stupid vacant mirror-face.

Back to this guy: The listing of designer clothes. I just can't...I don't even...like, why?! Why would you do this? It's so incredibly shallow. And girls, I've seen more of you do this than guys, and so all of you, listen up: Those who care about those things will most likely already be able to pick up on the fact that what you're wearing is designer. Trust me: I can spot a Michael Kors bag and a Zac Posen dress from a mile away, not to mention a men's tailored Ralph Lauren suit (I used to wake up at 5 in the morning on Saturdays all through middle school just to watch Style with Elsa Klensch . This girl came to play). And those who can't? DON'T CARE. You know who will get more attracted to you when you talk about money? People who are only attracted to people who have money. 

Anyway. You ready for the profile? Cause it's good. It's real, real good. So light that fire in your electric fireplace, sit on back in your easy chair with your cup of coffee, and prepare to be taken away to another world...

His profile is in bold, with my comments in regular type.


My self-summar y Rumor has it that my kiss gives a girl disney spells. No it doesn't. Absolutely no one in the universe is saying that about this guy. 
I'm part Jewish intellectual and part Scottish hooligan.
Ugh. People who even attempt to describe themselves as "hooligan" give me a headache. 
I'm a former English professor. I taught at Fordham and Yeshiva (and I taught mostly Shakespeare and Wordsworth). (Amber's note: Oh did you?) I turned to stock trading in 2011. I moved to TriBeCa in 2010, but, like Matt & Ben, I was born and raised in Cambridge. Also, like them, (Amber's Note: This guy did a lot of research on Matt and Ben. That should be a red flag.) I'm from an academic family (my dad worked at MIT and my older brother teaches at Harvard) and am a diehard fan of the Patriots and Celtics. I'm also a huge fan of professional tennis. I went to Sarah Lawrence undergrad and Brandeis for grad school.
How much fun was it to hear all about his schooling, huh, guys?! Whoa, what a BLAST that was! I can't get enough of where this guy got all of his education! Hopefully someday I can go on a date with him and hear him talk about this for the rest of both our lives! 
I trade for myself, which means I'm my own boss, but it also means I work a lot (I do all my own research). In my free time, I work out a lot and shop for clothing. On Sunday, I watch football and on Saturday I browse at Saks and Barneys. I have to say this: I live with probably one of the most straight metrosexual men you will ever meet in your life. And even HE doesn't list "browse at Saks and Barneys" as one of his weekly pursuits. I think all girls everywhere can agree that we like men who dress well. But much like how we don't mention that Sundays are "pedicure, manicure, and wax" days in our profiles (right, girls? We're not doing that, are we?), it's simply the end point that matters. We don't so much need to know how we all get there.

I love the country and enjoy mountain biking and trail running. I haven't been skiing in years, but I want to get back into it. I suck at it now. Maybe you suck at it too. We can sip hot chocolate in the emergency room together and sign each other's cast.
This is actually cute. And creative. If he would have stuck to more of stuff like this...
Around town, I like to go to gallery openings, museum parties, and charity events at clubs. I know I'm supposed to say I don't like clubs, but I do (Amber's note: What?! Really? No idea that someone like YOU would like clubs, Mr. Designer-wearing-mirror-photo-shot-man). Until 2010, I lived in East Williamsburg on an adjunct professor's salary. I haven't been back since I left. I'd like to get back to London, Paris, Rome, and Barcelona. Love those places. Hawaii too. I'd like to see Brazil, Argentina, and Central America. My love of Russian literature has made me curious about St Petersburg and Moscow.
"My love of Russian literature..." This is the stuff my roommate used to say that would make me drop into eye-rolling/puking-sound-effect convulsions from pretentious overload. And now he knows that, and so now he has stopped doing it. This guy could maybe stop with it, too. Because you might really love Russian literature, and that's awesome. I like it, too! Maybe we should start a book club about it. But the only reason why you bring something like that up here is so you can impress someone. And that's when it gets to be pretentious, and that's when I write to you and ask you pointed questions to see if you really know what you're talking about. 
When I'm in the city, I prefer to be in upscale, very stylish, architecturally beautiful places. To me, the city means design, style, and cosmopolitanism. In the country, I'm different. I love ponds, dirt roads, fireflies, woodsmoke, snow angels, a sky full of stars, and thunderstorms.
First part, total pukebomb. Second part? Honestly, if the guy just stuck to the country and outdoor bit, he'd be golden. It's like he starts talking about stuff that is of not of the city and actually becomes a real person. Maybe it's a spell!Maybe he's under a spell like in Beauty & The Beast, and he can only be an asshole in the city and a real boy in the country! Or, maybe he's just a douche in both places, but has easier access to features in the country that don't make him sound like an insufferable buffoon. 
I work out six times a week. I lift. I try to run 35 miles a week. I spin.
Great. Tell me more.
My income in 2012 is only half what I listed. Next year, it should be what I listed. By 2016, I hope to be earning 4k a day. I'm very driven. My five to seven year plan is to work a lot, travel, get a loft in TriBeCa, have two amazing little kids, and get a weekend house on the water in Connecticut.
What I’m doing with my lif e trading pharmaceutical stocks. Mainly, I trade companies that make meds for weight-loss and type II diabetes. It's a big market. Like Tyler Durden, I profit from your lard.Charming. 

I’m really good a t lasting and going downtown.Yeah.Yeah, he really wrote that. Yes. Yes he did. 
The first things people usually notice about m e is that I smell like Green Irish Tweed.

When I wear aviators, people think I'm Tom Cruise. Really. Tourists snap photos and kids stare. Last month, some tourist on Wooster street put a Polaroid camera in my face. Cashiers always say I look like him. I'd get wayfarers, but I want the aliens to pick me up.Ugh. NO, THEY DON'T. NO ONE THINKS YOU ARE TOM CRUISE. I SAW YOUR PICTURES, AND NO ONE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH WOULD MISTAKE YOU FOR TOM CRUISE. Except for maybe when he was back in his bowl-hair-cut, couch-jumping, Kate-is-great phase. But they only do so when you're wearing aviators, so it still doesn't count. 
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and foo d Food: The Odeon, Dylan Prime. Nobu, Wolfgang's, Bouley, Waverly Inn, Marble Lane (Dream Downtown), The Standard Grill (hit or miss), Abe & Arthurs, Collichio and Sons, The Lion, Raoul's, Blue Ribbon, Balthazar, Morini, TriBeCa Grill, Cafe Select (okay). These places are overrated: The Spotted Pig, The Harrison, Loconda Verde, Super Linda (really bad), The Dutch (great oysters, though).
Oh! THANK YOU for this sparkling and informative review of eateries! Except nobody asked for it, and you're only supposed to list your favorites, so now you come off as even more of a pretentious douche than before.
And yeah. Despite all odds, I guess it really was possible.

My drinks are Speyside single malt scotch and red wine (New World Pinot Noir, 2005 Bordeaux, Cotes du Rhone, Cab, Sangiovese, and Barbera D'Alba. I'm not big on Merlot, Malbec, or Shiraz). I drink cold beer when it's over 80 degrees out, but I'm more of a whiskey guy than a beer guy.

Drinks: Jimmy, TriBeCa Grand, Macao Trading, Smith & Mills, Ph-D, 1OAK, Brinkley's, Mister H. Mondrian Soho, Pravda (not anymore), Crosby bar (tame and quiet), 77 Warren (my local source for amazing hot wings), Weather Up (crappy scotch, but close by), Tiny is ok

Music: Paul van Dyk, Bowie, Led Zep, Leonard Cohen, Tiesto, Muse, Radiohead, The Stones, Coldplay, Roxy Music, Eno, Phoenix, Snow Patrol, New Order, Silversun Pickups, RHCP, Kings of Leon, Soundgarden, Cheap Trick, Green Day, Wilco, Deadmau5, Moby, NIN, The Killers, Jeff Buckley, The Cure, Pixies, The Cars, T Rex, Guns N Roses, VU, AC/DC, Arcade Fire, The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, Kanye West, Interpol, Eminem, Biggie Smalls, The Psychedelic Furs. Also, I'm a huge fan of Beethoven, esp. his cello sonatas and piano trios. Furthermore, I love symphonies 9, 7, and 3. I love Brahms, Chopin, and Bach too.
Okay. Let's talk about the thing that guys do when they simultaneously list "Biggie Smalls" and "Beethoven" in the same "music I like" paragraph. It's practically lifted from a "Things I Listen To That Make Me Sound Cool" Thought Catalog post...in fact, his entire list of musical preferences read like that, except for the part where he listed Soundgarden, because, I mean...c'mon. Nobody cool listens to Soundgarden. 

But I digress. This is the part that makes me feel like I'm going come off as just wanting to hate all over this guy, but I'm actually trying to use the above as an example of something that I think a lot of us have observed, but few of us have talked about  - sometimes, white guys like to "admit" that they love thug rap and hip-hop because they think it makes them sound hard and cool and interesting, much like how a lot of girls will motor-mouth about how much they love metal, for the same exact reasons. And we all know those two or three people who do genuinely love it - love it - and the thing is? They don't have to talk about it all the time. Also, a love of rap and hip-hop is now universal. It no longer makes you sound underground or different to say, "And you know, I actually really like rap." Really? Like 85% of the human race who have a natural propensity to like great beats? And splicing Biggie Smalls and Beethoven...ugh. Whatever. I see what you're trying to do there, WellEndowed, but I'm just going to stop here and give you the benefit of the doubt.

Movies: Wedding Crashers, Before Sunset, Manhattan, Superbad, Die Hard (all), the Bourne series, The Departed, Casino Royale, Charade, The Shining, Solaris, North By Northwest, Blade Runner, Stripes, Strangers on a Train, Inception, The Dark Knight, Memento, Catch me if you Can, Oceans' Eleven (new), Fight Club, Michael Clayton, Duplicity, The American, Cool Hand Luke, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Good Will Hunting, American Beauty, Hanna, Une Femme est Une Femme, Notting Hill, Bridget Jones' Diary, The Silence of the Lambs, Never Let me Go, About a Boy, Persona Cries and Whispers, Exotica, The Sweet Hereafter, Sex Lies and Videotape, Tropic Thunder, Bad Teacher, Trainspotting, The Talented Mr Ripley, Hot Tub Time Machine, Up in the Air, Election, Terminator (1 and 2), Alien, Closer, Wings of Desire, Paris Texas, The Prestige, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, The Graduate, Snatch, Five Easy Pieces, Rosemary's Baby, Wanted, Shakespeare in Love, Pulp Fiction, L'Avventura, Kill Bill, Fargo, Raising Arizona, Face Off, Zombieland, House of Flying Daggers, Hero, Groundhog Day, The Rock, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Deer Hunter, Taxi Driver, Gladiator, Wanted, Taken, The Next Three Days, Return to Oz, 21 Jump Street, Knocked Up, Two for the Road, I Love You Man, Mr and Mrs Smith, X-Men (1 and 2), Badlands, Days of Heaven, The Hoax, Minority Report, Collateral, Ferris Bueller's...Fast Times..., Dazed and Confused, A Clockwork Orange, The Breakfast Club, Say Anything, Apocalypse Now, Gangs of New York, American Psycho, Away from Her, Juno, The Last Days of Disco. I don't like Herzog, PT Anderson, or Baumbach.
PEOPLE OF AMERICA: We do not need your entire catalog of every movie you've ever watched that you've halfway liked in the entire history of your life. Seriously, the music/movies/books section is the easiest section in which to draw someone's attention, and the easiest to lose it in. I have a Top 5 rule for my clients - for books, movies, and music, only list your Top 5. Any more than that and your reader's eyes are going to start glossing over. 

And just to completely go off on a tangent, no putting, "I have eclectic tastes in ___." SO DOES EVERYONE. I know of NO PEOPLE EVER who only listen to one type of music only or watch only one category of film and do not enjoy any classic genre of any kind and are not open to any cross-overs whatsoever. Wait, never mind, I do...and all those people have autism or Aspergers. Unless those people are you, there is no point in saying, "I have a very eclectic taste in music" because that's like saying that you like to laugh, or enjoy going out on the town but also don't mind staying in. It's so common that it's not worth saying.
(Also see: "I'm super into music/film/reading.")

Books: Shakespeare, Proust, Wilde, Fitzgerald, Delillo, Chabon, Palahniuk, James, Updike, Salinger, Barthelme, Shelley, Wordsworth, Poe, Joyce, Faulkner, Borges, Baudelaire, Nabokov, Dostoyevsky (but not Tolstoy), Cortazaar, Franzen, Pynchon, Dick, W. Gibson, Dickinson, Stevens, TS Eliot, Austen, George Eliot, Merrill, Ashbery. Also good: Wittgenstein, Nieztsche, Cavell, Searle, Benjamin, Adorno, Weber, Foucault. My favorite writer to quote is Oscar Wilde. My favorite writer to read is Fitzgerald. My favorite philosphical writer is Proust. My favorite book in high school was Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young man. The book that made me want to go to grad school was Mann's The Magic Mountain. The deepest book, imo, is The Brothers Karamazov or maybe George Eliot's Middlemarch. I think most French theory is useless but fun. My favorite plays by Shakespeare are Macbeth, King Lear, Hamlet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Richard II, Twelfth Night, The Winter's Tale, Henry V, Antony and Cleopatra, and As You Like It.

TV: Breaking Bad, Lost, 24, Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Mad Men (sort of), Game of Thrones, CSI-LV, The Office, Californication, Weeds, Seinfeld, Skins (UK), Friends, Twin Peaks, Dawson's Creek, Buffy, The OC, True Blood. I can't get into Homeland. I just started The Killing. It's really well made. I don't watch much comedy.

The six things I could never do withou t - single malt scotch
- espresso
- 70% dark chocolate
- steak
- French Bulldogs. I had two. I love them. I say stuff like "squeezy pig" and "squishy piggles". It's emasculating for both the dogs and me. Tape my mouth.
- my trust fund
See, sometimes, like with the Bulldog thing, he can actually be funny. And then he ruins all of it by ending it with stuff like "my trust fund." 

I spend a lot of time thinking abou t David Bowie.

I try to read the WSJ or NYT daily (at least the headlines).
See, this shit is interesting. I will give him props for this stuff. It's unique, creative, and gives some insight into what his brain is like. 

On a typical Friday night I a m dancing with myself.

If I made 5% over the week, I may hit the gym and then grab a late dinner at The Standard Grill or something. After that, have a drink somewhere with thin girls.

If I didn't make 5%, I hit the gym, come home and work, and then close the evening with some scotch and Showtime on demand.
And yet again, he mixes it up with something interesting and kind of clever and then ruins all the cred he just built up by saying stuff like "have a drink somewhere with thin girls." This is a Tucker Max thing. And you can bet your own trust fund that this guy has read all of his books. 

The most private thing I’m willing to admi t I suffer from a phobia of butterflies. It's ridiculous. I duck and run. But I'm not afraid of bats. They look like French Bulldogs.

I'll see anything with Hugh Grant.

Sometimes, I cry when I see Shakespeare. That's private, because it sounds so pretentious. When Macduff learns of his family's demise or when Viola rediscovers Sebastian, I tear up a little.
Again. More stuff like this is what could have saved his profile. And he admits that crying to Shakespeare is pretentious, but not any of the other billion pretentious things we've already read? Alright. 

You should message me i f you like to shop and you like my taste in dresses. Also maybe you like to hit a club on occasion, eat good food, go mountain biking and skiing, travel, and watch good cable TV. Maybe you want to see the entire Grand Slam in person someday and kick around Paris, London, and Melbourne. This idea is still in its infancy.

You love kids and dogs.

Beautiful, thin, super fit, sexy, passionate, sensual, seductive, smart, clever, winsome, giddy, playful, considerate, durable.

I'm always happy to meet people who love Shakespeare and Wilde.
Annnnd end scene!

We've learned a lot today, gentle readers. I don't think I can even summarize all that we've learned...all I know is that we have learned, and the bulk of what we have learned has been massive and large and sometimes hard.

You saw what I did there, right?

Okay, good.

It was about penis, you guys! Just in case, for those of you who didn't get it -  I was talking about penis, and being well endowed. Because his username was "WellEndowed"! Do you get it now? It was a reference to how big his penis is supposed to be!

Anyway. Go now...go and make your preparations for your own profile. Go and correct your mistakes, go and take down those pictures of your own mirror-self-portraits, go and erase every "I'm super into food"-esque statement you have made... Go now, and be better. Do better.

And if you need some help, I am always here for you.