How to talk like me

People, people everywhere ask me how to talk like me. But the answer (I’m sorry to say) is quite complicated. How did I learn to speak this way? First, I was born in Australia, moved to New Jersey, returned with an American accent, went back to Australian again, learned French all through school, had numerous major head injuries as a youngster, and I often pretend to be German/Scottish born when I speak.

So, to speak like me you must…

1) Pronounce ‘e’ as ‘sh’

This means ‘mesh’ is said ‘mshsh’

2) Say ‘au’ as ‘or’

Which makes ‘sauce’ become ‘sorcsh’

4) I hate ‘t’ so I say ‘f’ instead

Therefore, ‘fat’ is ‘faf’ and ‘golf tee’ is ‘golf fshsh’

3) Drop every ‘i’

Then ‘Australia’ is said ‘Orsfrala’ and ‘ice’ is ‘csh’

5) Count out of order

6) Say ‘crikey’ a lot, and lastly,

7) All nouns must go at the beginning of every sentence.

Don’t complain, it’s just the way it’s done. Follow these seven rules and you, too, could learn to speak like me!

Drnk so up shvshrybody and salufsh msh! Lshadshr you’rsh nshw! And do f now, crkshy, tmsh by thsh counf 3, 1, 2!

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Movshmbshr phofo my progrshss. Crkshy!