Apocalypse Meow (The Novel) excerpt.
Chapter One
The Dick
“You're a dick.”
The brunette to my right isn't askin' a question. She's pointing out the obvious. This business is in my blood. Hell, I must have Dick written all over my face.
“That's right,” I tell her, and finish my martini. “What's it to ya?”
I don't have to look at her directly. The mirror behind the bar lets me watch her just fine. Her jacket comes off, reveals small but perky breasts behind a red dress that tightly fits her thin, and lithe frame. A dancer's body, that's what she has. Could be a ballerina. The kinda dame that will bruise your hips but make your cock look huge in her tiny hands. No more than a hundred pounds. Thin face.
I'm sure she has a glass jaw, and ain't much for takin' punches.
There's a lot to be said about a gal who can take a punch.
“I need a Dick,” she says and sits beside me. “But no average Dick.”
I flag the barman. A snap and a point of my fingers and he's pouring me another drink, and her one to boot. I tell her, “Well, I'm no average Dick, darlin.”
She slides a pack of smokes from her purse, lights one and I watch her sweet, thin lips. I wonder how she tastes. Wonder what those lips would do...
I've always been a sucker for the mousy dames, but there's no point in lettin' her know that. No point in showin' I'm even half interested. You don't catch cats by chasin' 'em.
“I've been told,” she says and lets a puff go, cocks an eyebrow at me, “that when it comes to Dicks, you're one of the biggest in town.”
“Big, small,” I say and flip out my own pack, “it's the Dick that gets the job done.”
She takes another drag and I can feel her eyes rolling over me, the way a cat eyes a bird in a cage, or the way a fat lady eyes a Wonka bar in a cage and her fingers are too fat to get through the bars or turn the tiny locks to open the cage so she shakes the hell out of it with her meaty mitts till it slides through and she claps those big sausage fingers in joy.
“Well excuse me for being bold, but... this case needs a Dick... A Dick with some brass tacks...”
“You need a Dick with balls, darlin. I hear ya.”
“Huge balls.”
“Big Dick, huge balls. I gotcha.”
“Are you a big enough Dick for the case?”
“I'm your Dick, lady. You need a Dick you got one.”
“Things could get hard.”
“I'm used to being hard.”
“And rough.”
“I can be a hard dick, darlin, and I can get rough.”
“Things could get sticky.”
“Dicks are usually getting sticky, lady.”
“Things could get tight.”
“I'm good in tight in places.”
“Things could get tight, and sticky, and rough, and hard...and you're sure you're the Dick for that?”
“If the pay is right,” I tell her, “this Dick will go anywhere, doll-face.”
“I need a Dick who can come in a back door and get to the bottom of it.”
“As a Dick, I prefer the back door. And as far as getting to the bottom, I once spelunked off the coast of Panama.”
“How deep did you go?”
“This Dick came out dirty, if you get my drift.”
“Protection?”
“Rubbers that time, foxy. Go deep like that, and a Dick needs a dive suit.”
“So I'm sure you've blasted a few guys?”
“Never in the back unless they asked for it. I prefer to blast a guy face to face.”
“That's tough. Tough but honorable.”
“There's no honor it, darlin. Never any honor blastin' a guy. It's a messy business. Something you don't want on your chest.”
“So you're experienced...Guess there's quite a load on your chest?”
“Like I said... It get's messy.”
“How do you feel about two Dicks? Two Dicks working hand in hand.”
“Sounds messy.”
“What I got, it might need two Dicks. Unless I have one good Dick.”
“Why two dicks?”
“One for the back door, and one for the front door.”
“Not sure that I get ya.”
“Never had two Dicks going hard at it at the same time?”
“Seen it in the movies.”
“Well what if I want two Dicks?”
“I know another Dick, but I prefer to work alone.”
“Well maybe it'd be swell to have another Dick handy? In case one of the Dicks come up short.”
“I'd say you're a tough case lady, and that might make most Dicks uncomfortable.”
“You're saying I couldn't have two dicks?”
“I'm just saying it'd get messy, doll-face.”
“What if I wanted three Dicks?”
“I'd say your a loon.”
“What if wanted four or five Dicks? What if I need a whole train of Dicks?”
“Why would you need a train full of Dicks?”
“Maybe it's just that deep.”
“You saying a Dick could get lost in it?”
“Maybe.”
“That's a lot of Dicks, lady.”
“Who knows, maybe one good Dick could crack it. Could get hairy though.”
“If a Dick can't handle hairy, he should hang it up and retire.”
“Well what I've got for you is pretty hairy, mister.”
“How hairy?”
“So hairy it might scare you.”
I take a deep drag off my smoke and let it coil out like a cobra being coaxed by an Indian with a flute. I look this broad in the eyes and she holds that stare and doesn't turn. That mean's she ain't joshin' me.
How could a cute little thing like this get so hairy and why would she need a train full of Dicks? Maybe what she's got really is that big or maybe she's crazy as double dipped cat shit. Either way, she's got my interest.
“Why don't we go over the details at my office,” I tell her.
“Sounds swell,” she says and offers her hand. At first I'm not sure if she wants me to kiss her ring or shake her hand, so I do what a Dick normally does. I don't shake her hand and I cock my eyebrow at her.
“So you really are a Dick, then,” she says.
I finish my drink in one long pull and say, “Through and through, lady.” I stand, finish my smoke and drop the butt into the martini glass. I get a good long look at her as she stands and slides her jacket back on. She's gorgeous, and she knows it. Pretty sure fellas are lined up around the block to sniff her skivvies, and I'd be right there with them except for one thing.
I'm a Dick.
The Dick
“You're a dick.”
The brunette to my right isn't askin' a question. She's pointing out the obvious. This business is in my blood. Hell, I must have Dick written all over my face.
“That's right,” I tell her, and finish my martini. “What's it to ya?”
I don't have to look at her directly. The mirror behind the bar lets me watch her just fine. Her jacket comes off, reveals small but perky breasts behind a red dress that tightly fits her thin, and lithe frame. A dancer's body, that's what she has. Could be a ballerina. The kinda dame that will bruise your hips but make your cock look huge in her tiny hands. No more than a hundred pounds. Thin face.
I'm sure she has a glass jaw, and ain't much for takin' punches.
There's a lot to be said about a gal who can take a punch.
“I need a Dick,” she says and sits beside me. “But no average Dick.”
I flag the barman. A snap and a point of my fingers and he's pouring me another drink, and her one to boot. I tell her, “Well, I'm no average Dick, darlin.”
She slides a pack of smokes from her purse, lights one and I watch her sweet, thin lips. I wonder how she tastes. Wonder what those lips would do...
I've always been a sucker for the mousy dames, but there's no point in lettin' her know that. No point in showin' I'm even half interested. You don't catch cats by chasin' 'em.
“I've been told,” she says and lets a puff go, cocks an eyebrow at me, “that when it comes to Dicks, you're one of the biggest in town.”
“Big, small,” I say and flip out my own pack, “it's the Dick that gets the job done.”
She takes another drag and I can feel her eyes rolling over me, the way a cat eyes a bird in a cage, or the way a fat lady eyes a Wonka bar in a cage and her fingers are too fat to get through the bars or turn the tiny locks to open the cage so she shakes the hell out of it with her meaty mitts till it slides through and she claps those big sausage fingers in joy.
“Well excuse me for being bold, but... this case needs a Dick... A Dick with some brass tacks...”
“You need a Dick with balls, darlin. I hear ya.”
“Huge balls.”
“Big Dick, huge balls. I gotcha.”
“Are you a big enough Dick for the case?”
“I'm your Dick, lady. You need a Dick you got one.”
“Things could get hard.”
“I'm used to being hard.”
“And rough.”
“I can be a hard dick, darlin, and I can get rough.”
“Things could get sticky.”
“Dicks are usually getting sticky, lady.”
“Things could get tight.”
“I'm good in tight in places.”
“Things could get tight, and sticky, and rough, and hard...and you're sure you're the Dick for that?”
“If the pay is right,” I tell her, “this Dick will go anywhere, doll-face.”
“I need a Dick who can come in a back door and get to the bottom of it.”
“As a Dick, I prefer the back door. And as far as getting to the bottom, I once spelunked off the coast of Panama.”
“How deep did you go?”
“This Dick came out dirty, if you get my drift.”
“Protection?”
“Rubbers that time, foxy. Go deep like that, and a Dick needs a dive suit.”
“So I'm sure you've blasted a few guys?”
“Never in the back unless they asked for it. I prefer to blast a guy face to face.”
“That's tough. Tough but honorable.”
“There's no honor it, darlin. Never any honor blastin' a guy. It's a messy business. Something you don't want on your chest.”
“So you're experienced...Guess there's quite a load on your chest?”
“Like I said... It get's messy.”
“How do you feel about two Dicks? Two Dicks working hand in hand.”
“Sounds messy.”
“What I got, it might need two Dicks. Unless I have one good Dick.”
“Why two dicks?”
“One for the back door, and one for the front door.”
“Not sure that I get ya.”
“Never had two Dicks going hard at it at the same time?”
“Seen it in the movies.”
“Well what if I want two Dicks?”
“I know another Dick, but I prefer to work alone.”
“Well maybe it'd be swell to have another Dick handy? In case one of the Dicks come up short.”
“I'd say you're a tough case lady, and that might make most Dicks uncomfortable.”
“You're saying I couldn't have two dicks?”
“I'm just saying it'd get messy, doll-face.”
“What if I wanted three Dicks?”
“I'd say your a loon.”
“What if wanted four or five Dicks? What if I need a whole train of Dicks?”
“Why would you need a train full of Dicks?”
“Maybe it's just that deep.”
“You saying a Dick could get lost in it?”
“Maybe.”
“That's a lot of Dicks, lady.”
“Who knows, maybe one good Dick could crack it. Could get hairy though.”
“If a Dick can't handle hairy, he should hang it up and retire.”
“Well what I've got for you is pretty hairy, mister.”
“How hairy?”
“So hairy it might scare you.”
I take a deep drag off my smoke and let it coil out like a cobra being coaxed by an Indian with a flute. I look this broad in the eyes and she holds that stare and doesn't turn. That mean's she ain't joshin' me.
How could a cute little thing like this get so hairy and why would she need a train full of Dicks? Maybe what she's got really is that big or maybe she's crazy as double dipped cat shit. Either way, she's got my interest.
“Why don't we go over the details at my office,” I tell her.
“Sounds swell,” she says and offers her hand. At first I'm not sure if she wants me to kiss her ring or shake her hand, so I do what a Dick normally does. I don't shake her hand and I cock my eyebrow at her.
“So you really are a Dick, then,” she says.
I finish my drink in one long pull and say, “Through and through, lady.” I stand, finish my smoke and drop the butt into the martini glass. I get a good long look at her as she stands and slides her jacket back on. She's gorgeous, and she knows it. Pretty sure fellas are lined up around the block to sniff her skivvies, and I'd be right there with them except for one thing.
I'm a Dick.
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