jackson evarts interviews fealey II
NOTE FROM PATRICK FEALEY: JACKSON EVARTS IS IN TOWN AND THE TAPE IS ROLLING AT CAFÉ ZELDA. IT’S JUST AFTER ONE AND HE’S IN TOWN TO WORK ON HIS INTERVIEW. HE’S BEEN HARASSING ME WITH THIS THING FOR MONTHS. HE ALWAYS COMES WEARING A SPORT JACKET, BUT I KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE THE STORY PLACED YET. THIS IS A FARCE. HE’S GETTING THIS SHIT DOWN IN THE EVENT I DIE. IT’S LIKE BUYING BURIAL INSURANCE. THAT’S ANOTHER NAME FOR CONFIDENCE.
JACKSON: SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN READING LATELY? PADDY: GO ASK HOMER WHAT HE READ. JACKSON: I HEARD HE SAT ON HIS ASS. IS THIS THE TONE YOU WANT TO TAKE? PADDY: IT’S SET. JACKSON: OKAY, THEN TELL ME ABOUT THE GANG THAT KICKED YOUR ASS. PADDY: SURE. THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY COULD USE A LITTLE MORE PUBLICITY. JACKSON: WHAT DID YOU DO TO PROVOKE THEM? PADDY: I WALKED BY, YOU HUMANIST ASS. JACKSON: YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING? PADDY: WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE WHO STILL ASSOCIATE VIOLENCE WITH REASON? I SAW THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET. I CROSSED. JACKSON: DID YOU SENSE ANY TROUBLE? PADDY: NO. A CROWD OF BLACKS LOITERING ON THE CORNER DOES NOT TRANSLATE INTO A VIOLENT CRIME. WHAT I SAW WERE YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, CREATIVE PEOPLE WITH MUCH TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CULTURE OF THIS COUNTRY, ESPECIALLY MUSIC AND PROFESSIONAL SPORTS. SO I CROSSED THE STREET. JACKSON: YOU SOUND RACIST. PADDY: THEY ATTACKED THE WRONG PERSON. WHEN I SAW MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM, LOOKING LIKE I’D BEEN PULLED FROM A BOMBED BUILDING, I KNEW THEY’D PUT THEIR ESSENCES DEEPER INTO THE SHIT. THEY DID THE SAME THING TO TWO MORE PEOPLE AN HOUR LATER, BROKE THEIR RIBS AND KNOCKED OUT THEIR TEETH. I IDENTIFIED TWO OF THEM, BUT THEY WERE NEVER ARRESTED. TURNED OUT ONE OF THEM WAS A STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER AND THE OTHER A SON OF A PROMINENT FAMILY. HIS FATHER WAS A DOCTOR. A DESCENDANT OF THE FIRST FREED SLAVE IN THE STATE. THE COPS WERE LETTING THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS SHIT ON A REGULAR BASIS – NO CHARGES – BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T WANT TO INFLATE AREA CRIME STATISTICS. REAL ESTATE, TOURISM. IT WAS BLACK AGAINST WHITE RECREATIONAL VIOLENCE. WILDING. TV SHIT. I WAS STABBED IN THE HEAD AND THE PARAMEDIC TOLD ME I’D COME WITHIN A QUARTER INCH OF LOSING MY EYE. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I’D NOT JUST BEEN STABBED ABOVE THE EYE, BUT I ALSO HAD A CONCUSSION. I WON’T FORGET THAT BLOW. THAT’S HOW IT STARTED. THE DOCTOR’S SON CAME UP ALONG SIDE ME SAYING, “IT’S COOL. IT’S COOL.” THEN WHAM! THE FOOTBALL PLAYER POUNDED ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RUNNING PUNCH. I SAW ONE GREAT STAR AND PRACTICALLY CRUMPLED OVER. THE GUY COULD HAVE KILLED ME. I LEFT A TRAIL OF BLOOD FROM THE SCENE TO A PAY PHONE THAT WAS A HUNDRED FEET AWAY. THE STORY WAS FRONT-PAGE. THE PRICKS GOT AWAY WITH IT. I GOT STITCHED UP AND CALLED AN EX-GIRLFRIEND AFTER I SCRUBBED ALL THE BLOOD OFF IN THE E.R. BATHROOM. I CARRIED AROUND A HEINOUS KNIFE FOR A WEEK AFTERWARD AND KEPT A LOADED SPEAR GUN BY MY BED. THE FOOTBALL PLAYER GOT CAUGHT ABOUT A MONTH LATER WHEN HE ATTACKED SOMEONE ELSE. HE HIRED A LAWYER AND BROUGHT IN WITNESSES WHEN THE SCHOOL TRIED TO KICK HIM OFF THE FOOTBALL TEAM. THE PROVIDENCE POLICE CHIEF TESTIFIED ON HIS BEHALF. HE GOT TO PLAY BALL. THE WHOLE THING WAS FOR APPEARANCES. THE BALL IS MIGHTIER THAN THE TRUTH. JACKSON: HAS THE INCIDENT CHANGED YOUR VIEWS? PADDY: ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL’S FREEDOM OF CHOICE, NO. ABOUT THE USELESSNESS OF COPS, NO. IT CAME OUT THAT THE GANG HAD STARTED SHIT THAT SAME NIGHT A BLOCK AWAY BEFORE THEY HIT ME, AND THE COPS HAD LET THEM GO THEN. SO THAT’S THREE TIMES THE AFRICAN AMERICANS BEAT ON WHITEY IN ONE NIGHT AND GOT OFF, MANAGING TO PUT THREE OF US IN THE HOSPITAL. IT’S AFFIRMED VIEWS I REBELLED AGAINST AS A KID GROWING UP IN AN IRISH-JEWISH FAMILY. JACKSON: WERE THEY PREJUDICED? PADDY: NO. I WAS IDEALISTIC. MY DAD WAS JUMPED ON STATEN ISLAND. MY AUNT WAS RAPED WHILE JOGGING IN CENTRAL PARK – BROAD DAYLIGHT. SHE WAS A COLLEGE FRESHMAN AND SHE WAS A VIRGIN. I WASN’T TOLD ABOUT HER UNTIL AFTER MY ATTACK. YOU WON’T SEE ME SITTING IN THE LIBERAL CHAIR AT THANKSGIVING. EXPERIENCE IS INFORMED AND RUNS DEEPER. IF I WAS A BETTER MAN, I GUESS I COULD DEAL WITH GETTING BIT MORE OFTEN, BUT I HAVE THIS VISCERAL AVERSION. JACKSON: DO YOU THINK IT’S PERMANENT? PADDY: I SWUNG ONE WAY, BUT I’M COMING BACK. MUCH SLOWER THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD. I WON’T BE RETURNING TO THE OLD VIEWS. STREETWISE, IT’S A DISTRUST DRAWN IN BLOOD. PERSONALLY, IT’S LESS. COME AS YOU ARE. JACKSON: WOULD YOU SAY YOU ARE WOUNDED? DISAPPOINTED? WORKING THROUGH FEAR-AGGRESSION? PADDY: YES. BUT IT ONLY MANIFESTS ON THE STREET. A MATTER OF SURVIVAL, OF NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN. I THINK RACISM, ALL HATRED, IS IGNORANCE TAKEN TO THE POINT OF INSANITY. RACISM IS ALSO A FACT OF LIFE. IF THE BLACKS ARE GOING TO BE RACIST, THEN I’M GOING TO DEFEND MYSELF. I DON’T WANT TO BE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WHO TAKES SIDES OUT OF SOME SIMPLE MATTER OF STRATEGY OR SURVIVAL. THEY ARE RACISTS. OF COURSE, DEALING WITH PEOPLE AS INDIVIDUALS IN A DIVIDED ENVIRONMENT LEAVES ONE VULNERABLE. IN YOUR NEUTRALITY, OBJECTIVITY, YOU CAN BE TAKEN AS AN ENEMY BY ALL SIDES. AND SO THERE YOU ARE, MAYBE A MOST OPEN, SPIRITUAL AND COMPLEX PERSON, WITH A BUILT-IN SHIT DETECTOR, AND YOU NEED THE BIGGEST GUN TO FEND OFF INAPPROPRIATE, UNSOLICITED, MISUNDERSTANDINGS – THOUGH WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS MORE SOCIOPATHIC. JACKSON: SOCIOPATHY, THAT DISASSOCIATION FROM ONESELF, ISN’T IT REALLY ABOUT TURNING FROM THE DEMANDS OF LIVING? PADDY: MAN DOESN’T LIKE BEING ALIVE. HE DOESN’T KNOW EXACTLY WHY. HE JUST KNOWS THAT IT HURTS MORE THAN SOME OF THE OTHER WAYS HE CAN WALK AROUND ON EARTH. GREED AND KILLING IS HIS OPIUM, HIS CUSHION. SOCIOPATHS ESCAPE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR CRIMES, WHETHER ITS GREED OR MURDER, BY SHUTTING DOWN. EVERY PERSON WHO WANTS TO DO WRONG, WANTS TO BE A SOCIOPATH. JACKSON: WHAT IS YOUR DELUSION? PADDY: THAT I CAN SING, THOUGH SOMETIMES I CAN. JACKSON: IS IT ESSENTIAL TO BE NEGATIVE? PADDY: IT IS ESSENTIAL TO BE THOROUGH. WHEN PEOPLE CALL SOMEONE LIKE CELINE “NEGATIVE,” IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE ASSOCIATING HIM WITH THINGS HE RESISTS. “ASSOCIATING” IS SHALLOW ACTIVITY. THEY LABEL HIM NEGATIVE BECAUSE HE MIGHT BE RIGHT AND THEY SEE THEMSELVES IN WHAT HE IS RESISTING. THEY DON’T WANT TO CHANGE, SO THEY DISMISS. JACKSON: CYNICISM IS SET, WHEREAS SKEPTICISM IS ALIVE. PADDY: EXACTLY: I’M NOT INTO CYNICS OR ANYONE WITH A PRE-SET DISPOSITION OR CONVERSATION. I SEE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO EXIST IN MODES AND I THINK OF THEM EVERY TIME I PUKE. JACKSON: WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE WHO ACCUSES YOU OF BEING JUDGMENTAL? PADDY: CONSIDER ME THE FLY WITHIN REACH OF THE FROG’S TONGUE. OR CONSIDER ME THE FROG. NOTHING MAKES A MOVE HERE WITHOUT FIRST MAKING A JUDGMENT. TO JUDGE IS TO THINK. TO THINK IS TO BE. THE QUESTION IS HOW TO BE. THERE’S ONE WAY TO TREAT PEOPLE AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS A CON. JACKSON: BUT YOU ONCE CALLED WALT WHITMAN TOO POSITIVE. PADDY: I WAS OVER-SIMPLIFYING. BUT, YES, I SAID THAT. HIS OPTIMISM, HIS LOVE FOR HIS FELLOW MAN, IT’S AN IDEAL THAT DOESN’T RECONCILE WITH THE WORLD I LIVE IN, A WORLD OF SICK MINDS AND POLLUTED STREETS, A WORLD WHICH WALKS AROUND WITH MISSILES UNDER ITS ARMS. AND I CERTAINLY WOULDN’T ROMANTICIZE CIVIL WAR BATTLE THE WAY HE DID. WHITMAN IS ABOUT WHAT COULD BE, MAYBE ABOUT HOW IT WAS FOR HIM. HE WAS A ROMANTIC SPIRIT. I AM A ROMANTIC, BUT WITH MORE TEETH. I FIND MEN ARE MOVED BY TEETH AT THEIR ASSES, WITH A FEW JOKES THROWN IN – NOT SUNSETS. I’M NOT TRYING TO CATCH JUST FLIES. THOUGH MEN ARE MOSTLY FLIES. WHITMAN IS IN MY TOP DOZEN BOOKS, BY THE WAY. WHEN I WENT TO LIVE IN THE WOODS, I PACKED LEAVES. BUT BEYOND HIS EXAMPLE, WHICH IS AN IDEAL WE NEED, AN IDEAL I ADMIT I CANNOT LIVE UP TO, IS THE UNBELIEVABLE ATROCITY OF HUMANKIND, WHICH HAS BEEN GIVEN THE GIFT AND TURNED AWAY FROM IT. WHITMAN’S SPIRIT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. TO CUT THROUGH AND TRANSCEND. FOR NOW, I DO NOT SHARE HIS OPTIMISM, BUT I KNOW I HAVE A TENDENCY TO REACT WHEN I SHOULD STEP OVER. JACKSON: BUKOWSKI? PADDY: HE WAS MORE OF A PERSONALITY THAN A WRITER AND HIS PERSONALITY WAS DESPICABLE. I LIKE HIM. JACKSON: RIMBAUD. PADDY: THE FIRST PUNK. IT’S ONLY ART. HE WAS LESS CYNICAL THAN OVERFLOWING WITH INFORMED HOSTILITY, LIKE ANY THOUGHTFUL YOUNG MAN. JACKSON: HEMINGWAY. PADDY: I’M LAUGHING BECAUSE I HAD THIS DREAM THAT HE WAS TRYING TO SEDUCE ME AND I WOULDN’T LET HIM. STILL, “CAT IN THE RAIN” IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STORIES. JACKSON: KEROUAC. PADDY: IT HURTS TO LISTEN TO HIS READINGS, DOESN’T IT? FRAGILE, RHYTHMICAL, TRYING FOR THE SPIRITUAL, BUT BROKEN. I DON’T FEEL AN INTIMATE CONNECTION WITH HIM. HE WRITES ABOVE THE PAGE. HE PUTS A LOT OF WORDS IN THE RIGHT PLACES AT THE RIGHT TIMES, WHICH CREATES THE EFFECT OF REACHING OUT, BUT HE IS NOT THERE. THERE IS A TELLING WITH POETIC WORDS AND THERE IS BEING, WHICH IS POETRY. THERE IS A DISTANCE TO HIS WORK. IT’S THE WORK OF THE MIND WHICH HUNG OUT AT COLUMBIA AND WORSHIPPED THOMAS WOLFE. I WANT TO GET CLOSER TO THE EXPERIENCE. ULTIMATELY, KEROUAC LEAVES ME FEELING LEFT OUT. JACKSON: MAILER. PADDY: MAILER? DID HE PAY FOR A PRODUCT PLACEMENT? JACKSON: KURT COBAIN. PADDY: NOTICE ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE DEAD? I REMEMBER WHERE I WAS THE FIRST TIME I HEARD NEVERMIND. 1991. A USED CLOTHING STORE ON HAIGHT STREET CALLED WASTELAND WITH MY GIRLFRIEND JESS, THE SHOPPING QUEEN. I FOUND THE SPEAKERS HIGH ON THE WALLS. THE PLACE WAS HUGE, FULL OF HIP CASTAWAYS AND VINYL LEATHER. I REMEMBER THINKING, HOLY SHIT! THANKS FOR BEING THIS BAND. JACKSON: TELL ME ABOUT “BROKEN CRAYON.” PADDY: GUYS LIKE YOU MAKE ME WANT TO STICK A NEEDLE IN MY ARM, BUT SINCE THIS IS THE HOUR OF VANITY AND EXPLANATIONS, I’LL WAIT AND EXPLAIN. BROKEN CRAYON WAS A WALL ART IN THIS ROOMING HOUSE IN NARRAGANSETT A FEW YEARS AGO, WHERE I WAS HOLED UP WITH ANTI-PSYCHOTICS AND ART SUPPLIES. I SAW THIS PIECE OF CRAYON ON THE FLOOR, ON THE HARDWOOD BY THE BASEBOARD, WHICH WAS WHITE. I LOOKED AT THE CRAYON. IT HAD BEEN SNAPPED AND STILL HAD SOME PAPER ON IT. IT WAS A DARK COLOR, I DON’T REMEMBER, DARK BLUE OR MAYBE MAROON. SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE WITH IT. I PICKED IT UP AND STOOD UP AND WROTE ON THE WALL: “broken crayon.” TO ME IT WAS A JOKE, BUT THEN I NOTICED THAT WHENEVER SOMEONE CAME IN THE ROOM, IT WOULD GET A LAUGH OR SOMEONE WOULD ASK “WHAT THE FUCK?” IT GOT A LOT OF ATTENTION. I GUESS TO ME IT MEANS THAT SOMETHING CAN BE BROKEN AND STILL WORK.
JACKSON: SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN READING LATELY? PADDY: GO ASK HOMER WHAT HE READ. JACKSON: I HEARD HE SAT ON HIS ASS. IS THIS THE TONE YOU WANT TO TAKE? PADDY: IT’S SET. JACKSON: OKAY, THEN TELL ME ABOUT THE GANG THAT KICKED YOUR ASS. PADDY: SURE. THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY COULD USE A LITTLE MORE PUBLICITY. JACKSON: WHAT DID YOU DO TO PROVOKE THEM? PADDY: I WALKED BY, YOU HUMANIST ASS. JACKSON: YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING? PADDY: WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE WHO STILL ASSOCIATE VIOLENCE WITH REASON? I SAW THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET. I CROSSED. JACKSON: DID YOU SENSE ANY TROUBLE? PADDY: NO. A CROWD OF BLACKS LOITERING ON THE CORNER DOES NOT TRANSLATE INTO A VIOLENT CRIME. WHAT I SAW WERE YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, CREATIVE PEOPLE WITH MUCH TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CULTURE OF THIS COUNTRY, ESPECIALLY MUSIC AND PROFESSIONAL SPORTS. SO I CROSSED THE STREET. JACKSON: YOU SOUND RACIST. PADDY: THEY ATTACKED THE WRONG PERSON. WHEN I SAW MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM, LOOKING LIKE I’D BEEN PULLED FROM A BOMBED BUILDING, I KNEW THEY’D PUT THEIR ESSENCES DEEPER INTO THE SHIT. THEY DID THE SAME THING TO TWO MORE PEOPLE AN HOUR LATER, BROKE THEIR RIBS AND KNOCKED OUT THEIR TEETH. I IDENTIFIED TWO OF THEM, BUT THEY WERE NEVER ARRESTED. TURNED OUT ONE OF THEM WAS A STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER AND THE OTHER A SON OF A PROMINENT FAMILY. HIS FATHER WAS A DOCTOR. A DESCENDANT OF THE FIRST FREED SLAVE IN THE STATE. THE COPS WERE LETTING THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS SHIT ON A REGULAR BASIS – NO CHARGES – BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T WANT TO INFLATE AREA CRIME STATISTICS. REAL ESTATE, TOURISM. IT WAS BLACK AGAINST WHITE RECREATIONAL VIOLENCE. WILDING. TV SHIT. I WAS STABBED IN THE HEAD AND THE PARAMEDIC TOLD ME I’D COME WITHIN A QUARTER INCH OF LOSING MY EYE. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I’D NOT JUST BEEN STABBED ABOVE THE EYE, BUT I ALSO HAD A CONCUSSION. I WON’T FORGET THAT BLOW. THAT’S HOW IT STARTED. THE DOCTOR’S SON CAME UP ALONG SIDE ME SAYING, “IT’S COOL. IT’S COOL.” THEN WHAM! THE FOOTBALL PLAYER POUNDED ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RUNNING PUNCH. I SAW ONE GREAT STAR AND PRACTICALLY CRUMPLED OVER. THE GUY COULD HAVE KILLED ME. I LEFT A TRAIL OF BLOOD FROM THE SCENE TO A PAY PHONE THAT WAS A HUNDRED FEET AWAY. THE STORY WAS FRONT-PAGE. THE PRICKS GOT AWAY WITH IT. I GOT STITCHED UP AND CALLED AN EX-GIRLFRIEND AFTER I SCRUBBED ALL THE BLOOD OFF IN THE E.R. BATHROOM. I CARRIED AROUND A HEINOUS KNIFE FOR A WEEK AFTERWARD AND KEPT A LOADED SPEAR GUN BY MY BED. THE FOOTBALL PLAYER GOT CAUGHT ABOUT A MONTH LATER WHEN HE ATTACKED SOMEONE ELSE. HE HIRED A LAWYER AND BROUGHT IN WITNESSES WHEN THE SCHOOL TRIED TO KICK HIM OFF THE FOOTBALL TEAM. THE PROVIDENCE POLICE CHIEF TESTIFIED ON HIS BEHALF. HE GOT TO PLAY BALL. THE WHOLE THING WAS FOR APPEARANCES. THE BALL IS MIGHTIER THAN THE TRUTH. JACKSON: HAS THE INCIDENT CHANGED YOUR VIEWS? PADDY: ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL’S FREEDOM OF CHOICE, NO. ABOUT THE USELESSNESS OF COPS, NO. IT CAME OUT THAT THE GANG HAD STARTED SHIT THAT SAME NIGHT A BLOCK AWAY BEFORE THEY HIT ME, AND THE COPS HAD LET THEM GO THEN. SO THAT’S THREE TIMES THE AFRICAN AMERICANS BEAT ON WHITEY IN ONE NIGHT AND GOT OFF, MANAGING TO PUT THREE OF US IN THE HOSPITAL. IT’S AFFIRMED VIEWS I REBELLED AGAINST AS A KID GROWING UP IN AN IRISH-JEWISH FAMILY. JACKSON: WERE THEY PREJUDICED? PADDY: NO. I WAS IDEALISTIC. MY DAD WAS JUMPED ON STATEN ISLAND. MY AUNT WAS RAPED WHILE JOGGING IN CENTRAL PARK – BROAD DAYLIGHT. SHE WAS A COLLEGE FRESHMAN AND SHE WAS A VIRGIN. I WASN’T TOLD ABOUT HER UNTIL AFTER MY ATTACK. YOU WON’T SEE ME SITTING IN THE LIBERAL CHAIR AT THANKSGIVING. EXPERIENCE IS INFORMED AND RUNS DEEPER. IF I WAS A BETTER MAN, I GUESS I COULD DEAL WITH GETTING BIT MORE OFTEN, BUT I HAVE THIS VISCERAL AVERSION. JACKSON: DO YOU THINK IT’S PERMANENT? PADDY: I SWUNG ONE WAY, BUT I’M COMING BACK. MUCH SLOWER THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD. I WON’T BE RETURNING TO THE OLD VIEWS. STREETWISE, IT’S A DISTRUST DRAWN IN BLOOD. PERSONALLY, IT’S LESS. COME AS YOU ARE. JACKSON: WOULD YOU SAY YOU ARE WOUNDED? DISAPPOINTED? WORKING THROUGH FEAR-AGGRESSION? PADDY: YES. BUT IT ONLY MANIFESTS ON THE STREET. A MATTER OF SURVIVAL, OF NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN. I THINK RACISM, ALL HATRED, IS IGNORANCE TAKEN TO THE POINT OF INSANITY. RACISM IS ALSO A FACT OF LIFE. IF THE BLACKS ARE GOING TO BE RACIST, THEN I’M GOING TO DEFEND MYSELF. I DON’T WANT TO BE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WHO TAKES SIDES OUT OF SOME SIMPLE MATTER OF STRATEGY OR SURVIVAL. THEY ARE RACISTS. OF COURSE, DEALING WITH PEOPLE AS INDIVIDUALS IN A DIVIDED ENVIRONMENT LEAVES ONE VULNERABLE. IN YOUR NEUTRALITY, OBJECTIVITY, YOU CAN BE TAKEN AS AN ENEMY BY ALL SIDES. AND SO THERE YOU ARE, MAYBE A MOST OPEN, SPIRITUAL AND COMPLEX PERSON, WITH A BUILT-IN SHIT DETECTOR, AND YOU NEED THE BIGGEST GUN TO FEND OFF INAPPROPRIATE, UNSOLICITED, MISUNDERSTANDINGS – THOUGH WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS MORE SOCIOPATHIC. JACKSON: SOCIOPATHY, THAT DISASSOCIATION FROM ONESELF, ISN’T IT REALLY ABOUT TURNING FROM THE DEMANDS OF LIVING? PADDY: MAN DOESN’T LIKE BEING ALIVE. HE DOESN’T KNOW EXACTLY WHY. HE JUST KNOWS THAT IT HURTS MORE THAN SOME OF THE OTHER WAYS HE CAN WALK AROUND ON EARTH. GREED AND KILLING IS HIS OPIUM, HIS CUSHION. SOCIOPATHS ESCAPE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR CRIMES, WHETHER ITS GREED OR MURDER, BY SHUTTING DOWN. EVERY PERSON WHO WANTS TO DO WRONG, WANTS TO BE A SOCIOPATH. JACKSON: WHAT IS YOUR DELUSION? PADDY: THAT I CAN SING, THOUGH SOMETIMES I CAN. JACKSON: IS IT ESSENTIAL TO BE NEGATIVE? PADDY: IT IS ESSENTIAL TO BE THOROUGH. WHEN PEOPLE CALL SOMEONE LIKE CELINE “NEGATIVE,” IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE ASSOCIATING HIM WITH THINGS HE RESISTS. “ASSOCIATING” IS SHALLOW ACTIVITY. THEY LABEL HIM NEGATIVE BECAUSE HE MIGHT BE RIGHT AND THEY SEE THEMSELVES IN WHAT HE IS RESISTING. THEY DON’T WANT TO CHANGE, SO THEY DISMISS. JACKSON: CYNICISM IS SET, WHEREAS SKEPTICISM IS ALIVE. PADDY: EXACTLY: I’M NOT INTO CYNICS OR ANYONE WITH A PRE-SET DISPOSITION OR CONVERSATION. I SEE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO EXIST IN MODES AND I THINK OF THEM EVERY TIME I PUKE. JACKSON: WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE WHO ACCUSES YOU OF BEING JUDGMENTAL? PADDY: CONSIDER ME THE FLY WITHIN REACH OF THE FROG’S TONGUE. OR CONSIDER ME THE FROG. NOTHING MAKES A MOVE HERE WITHOUT FIRST MAKING A JUDGMENT. TO JUDGE IS TO THINK. TO THINK IS TO BE. THE QUESTION IS HOW TO BE. THERE’S ONE WAY TO TREAT PEOPLE AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS A CON. JACKSON: BUT YOU ONCE CALLED WALT WHITMAN TOO POSITIVE. PADDY: I WAS OVER-SIMPLIFYING. BUT, YES, I SAID THAT. HIS OPTIMISM, HIS LOVE FOR HIS FELLOW MAN, IT’S AN IDEAL THAT DOESN’T RECONCILE WITH THE WORLD I LIVE IN, A WORLD OF SICK MINDS AND POLLUTED STREETS, A WORLD WHICH WALKS AROUND WITH MISSILES UNDER ITS ARMS. AND I CERTAINLY WOULDN’T ROMANTICIZE CIVIL WAR BATTLE THE WAY HE DID. WHITMAN IS ABOUT WHAT COULD BE, MAYBE ABOUT HOW IT WAS FOR HIM. HE WAS A ROMANTIC SPIRIT. I AM A ROMANTIC, BUT WITH MORE TEETH. I FIND MEN ARE MOVED BY TEETH AT THEIR ASSES, WITH A FEW JOKES THROWN IN – NOT SUNSETS. I’M NOT TRYING TO CATCH JUST FLIES. THOUGH MEN ARE MOSTLY FLIES. WHITMAN IS IN MY TOP DOZEN BOOKS, BY THE WAY. WHEN I WENT TO LIVE IN THE WOODS, I PACKED LEAVES. BUT BEYOND HIS EXAMPLE, WHICH IS AN IDEAL WE NEED, AN IDEAL I ADMIT I CANNOT LIVE UP TO, IS THE UNBELIEVABLE ATROCITY OF HUMANKIND, WHICH HAS BEEN GIVEN THE GIFT AND TURNED AWAY FROM IT. WHITMAN’S SPIRIT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. TO CUT THROUGH AND TRANSCEND. FOR NOW, I DO NOT SHARE HIS OPTIMISM, BUT I KNOW I HAVE A TENDENCY TO REACT WHEN I SHOULD STEP OVER. JACKSON: BUKOWSKI? PADDY: HE WAS MORE OF A PERSONALITY THAN A WRITER AND HIS PERSONALITY WAS DESPICABLE. I LIKE HIM. JACKSON: RIMBAUD. PADDY: THE FIRST PUNK. IT’S ONLY ART. HE WAS LESS CYNICAL THAN OVERFLOWING WITH INFORMED HOSTILITY, LIKE ANY THOUGHTFUL YOUNG MAN. JACKSON: HEMINGWAY. PADDY: I’M LAUGHING BECAUSE I HAD THIS DREAM THAT HE WAS TRYING TO SEDUCE ME AND I WOULDN’T LET HIM. STILL, “CAT IN THE RAIN” IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STORIES. JACKSON: KEROUAC. PADDY: IT HURTS TO LISTEN TO HIS READINGS, DOESN’T IT? FRAGILE, RHYTHMICAL, TRYING FOR THE SPIRITUAL, BUT BROKEN. I DON’T FEEL AN INTIMATE CONNECTION WITH HIM. HE WRITES ABOVE THE PAGE. HE PUTS A LOT OF WORDS IN THE RIGHT PLACES AT THE RIGHT TIMES, WHICH CREATES THE EFFECT OF REACHING OUT, BUT HE IS NOT THERE. THERE IS A TELLING WITH POETIC WORDS AND THERE IS BEING, WHICH IS POETRY. THERE IS A DISTANCE TO HIS WORK. IT’S THE WORK OF THE MIND WHICH HUNG OUT AT COLUMBIA AND WORSHIPPED THOMAS WOLFE. I WANT TO GET CLOSER TO THE EXPERIENCE. ULTIMATELY, KEROUAC LEAVES ME FEELING LEFT OUT. JACKSON: MAILER. PADDY: MAILER? DID HE PAY FOR A PRODUCT PLACEMENT? JACKSON: KURT COBAIN. PADDY: NOTICE ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE DEAD? I REMEMBER WHERE I WAS THE FIRST TIME I HEARD NEVERMIND. 1991. A USED CLOTHING STORE ON HAIGHT STREET CALLED WASTELAND WITH MY GIRLFRIEND JESS, THE SHOPPING QUEEN. I FOUND THE SPEAKERS HIGH ON THE WALLS. THE PLACE WAS HUGE, FULL OF HIP CASTAWAYS AND VINYL LEATHER. I REMEMBER THINKING, HOLY SHIT! THANKS FOR BEING THIS BAND. JACKSON: TELL ME ABOUT “BROKEN CRAYON.” PADDY: GUYS LIKE YOU MAKE ME WANT TO STICK A NEEDLE IN MY ARM, BUT SINCE THIS IS THE HOUR OF VANITY AND EXPLANATIONS, I’LL WAIT AND EXPLAIN. BROKEN CRAYON WAS A WALL ART IN THIS ROOMING HOUSE IN NARRAGANSETT A FEW YEARS AGO, WHERE I WAS HOLED UP WITH ANTI-PSYCHOTICS AND ART SUPPLIES. I SAW THIS PIECE OF CRAYON ON THE FLOOR, ON THE HARDWOOD BY THE BASEBOARD, WHICH WAS WHITE. I LOOKED AT THE CRAYON. IT HAD BEEN SNAPPED AND STILL HAD SOME PAPER ON IT. IT WAS A DARK COLOR, I DON’T REMEMBER, DARK BLUE OR MAYBE MAROON. SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE WITH IT. I PICKED IT UP AND STOOD UP AND WROTE ON THE WALL: “broken crayon.” TO ME IT WAS A JOKE, BUT THEN I NOTICED THAT WHENEVER SOMEONE CAME IN THE ROOM, IT WOULD GET A LAUGH OR SOMEONE WOULD ASK “WHAT THE FUCK?” IT GOT A LOT OF ATTENTION. I GUESS TO ME IT MEANS THAT SOMETHING CAN BE BROKEN AND STILL WORK.
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