The Art of Revision, Part 3
As I was going through this year’s NaNoWriMo project, I noticed I had written several scenes largely in dialogue with very little in the way of description. It reminded me of an exercise our writers group did some years ago to work on balance in you writing. When revising, pay attention to how you use the following elements. Often a tiny change can convert an entire scene.
There are three things that drive a story forward, dialogue, narrative, and a character’s thoughts/observations. Each one creates a distinctly different aspect to a scene.
Dialogue that is not interspersed with actions or thoughts reads flat and sometimes too fast. Straight narrative is the author telling the reader what is happening from outside the story and is generally too impersonal, though occasionally useful if you need to document the passage of time when nothing is really going on. Even then, I prefer to keep it at least marginally within a single character’s view. The third way, of actually observing events from within a single character’s thoughts is more intense and enables you to better engage the readers emotions, but it can be clumsy used alone.
Doing this exercise is a good way to see how to balance your writing. I strongly encourage you to try it on one of your own scenes. You’ll be surprised at how different the versions come out. I found my effort at this and I’ve added it below as an example, even though it’s a bit long. The version I actually used was a combination of all three. You’ll see how each version gives a different perspective and even different information.
Scene in dialogue only. Notice how flat it reads. -
“…the attack in the pass was aimed at children, not a fighting force that was in any way threatening them. The Thess’ns attacked with no warning and we were fortunate to have picked up their presence as quickly as we did. Without that, the death toll would have been closer to one hundred thousand. Tar Ne Vedrith has been devastated, our greatest artistic treasure demolished, and invaluable historic records dating back over three thousand years are in ruins. Yes, we repelled the attack, my fellow Ambassadors, but at what cost? How many must die before this body will declare war and begin to fight back?” Nafron asked.
“Should we take war to the Thess’ns over a minor raid with less than two hundred casualties? What has Sorth ever done to try to reach a settlement with the Thess’ns Empire? Have you not in fact engaged in regular covert operations along with the Traders Guild aimed at undermining the Thess’ns control over worlds within their own territory? Is it possible that the Thess’ns are responding to Sorthian hostility? I will not be a part of any aggression towards the Thess’n Empire,” Donovan, Ambassador of Perrical, said.
“Donovan, I am not aware of any law which states that free trade which is beneficial to both parties constitutes a hostile act or an attempt to undermine the control of a parent government. It is true that there are some Sorthian merchant ships, Traders Guild, even some flying under Tarrellian, Zhyrean, and Dagosian registry, to name a few, that have engaged in trade with some worlds within the Thess’n Empire. Are you trying to outlaw trade outside the Coalition membership then?” Nafron replied.
“The Ambassador of Sorth has brought up an important point. It has past the point where delay is an affordable luxury. In spite of what the Inner Systems Cartel would have us believe this is not an isolated incident directed solely at Sorth. Tarrel and Zhyre have had grave losses in both ships and colonial interests. Cuath was decimated and we saw first hand what the Thess’ns did to Othcaris two years ago. Additionally, there have been numerous attacks on outposts in strategic locations.” Ambassador Shazir said.
“What hope have you, Ambassador Donovan, when they attack Perrical? What worlds, other than those housing the main Fleet bases, are any better able to defend themselves? Tarrel is not,” Kenderban, Tarrel’s Ambassador asked.
“I disagree. We should be seeking a diplomatic solution to this incident rather than fanning the flames of war. We must put a stop to the raids being conducted in Thess’n territory by the Guild and their Sorthian allies. We must work for a peaceful coexistence with the Thess’n Empire,” Carden of Aerlon said.
“That’s already been tried!”
“We cannot force them to listen, Carden!”
“Why should the Coalition have to follow Sorth’s tradition of warmongering?”
“Every emissary we have sent has disappeared, you know that.”
“Ambassador Carden, you are welcome to personally try to negotiate with the Thess’ns at any time,” Shazir, the Zhyrean Ambassador shouted. “I am sure we would all be interested to see how you fare in the Citadel.”
“Ambassador Shazir, you will make no further threat to any member of this assembly,” Prescentor Gyldann said.
“Your Excellency, I think Ambassador Shazir has a valid argument. It Ambassador Carden seriously thinks peace may be negotiated, he should undertake to do so. Otherwise, this is nothing but a theatrical delaying tactic on his part. Personally, I think that Sorth, as well as the other worlds that have been victimized by the Thess’ns, have been extremely tolerant in this matter. How many more lives must be lost before we recognize the fact that whether we like it or not, we are already at war? We must take the necessary steps to defend ourselves and put this in the hands of our military where it belongs,” Ambassador Layconn, of the Chaldean colony, said.
Description only. Notice how it makes you feel like a spectator.
The Coalition Assembly chamber was packed. No one was going to miss this session. Every Ambassador along with their entourage was formally attired, adding bright splashes of sometimes eye searing color to the pale marble of the chamber. They sat in precisely arranged cubicles, the ones above floor level looked like miniature balconies. There were only seven such cubicles on the floor spaced in a semicircle around the dais, where each was supposed to speak in turn. Prescentor Gyldann of Shilos, a world well known for its traditionally neutral politics, presided over the Assembly.
The fact that the seven founding worlds held a minimal majority of fifty-one percent of the votes at all times by law, rankled some of the older colonies. In particular, those that made up the Inner Systems Cartel, a group of colonies that had been self-sufficient for centuries and were the principal source of the Coalition’s high-tech manufacturing. They had been working hard to break the solidarity of the seven, so far to no avail. They had more success in buying influence among the younger colonies and newer member worlds where trade agreements could be used to buy votes. They seemed determined to oppose the founding worlds on any issue as a matter of principal. This was beyond frustrating to the seven, who were far more thoroughly educated in the history of Coalition’s beginnings – and the reasons behind the majority rule.
Unfortunately, the issue before the Assembly required more than a simple majority to pass.
Ambassador Nafron gave a vivid account of the attack on Sorth, pointing out both how well defended Sorth was and how deeply into Coalition territory the Thess’ns had penetrated without being detected. Nafron maintained his usual calm demeanor as he spoke, but few failed to notice the silver streaking his once raven hair or the deep grief that etched lines around his mouth and eyes. The other Ambassadors on the floor were in staunch support. The Ambassador from Sellist was outraged and looked ready to shout down anyone who might oppose Nafron in demanding a declaration of war. Shazir, the Zhyrean Ambassador, was less openly angry, but the dark color in his head crest and the tauntness in the saurian’s lean body reflected an unusual degree of inner agitation. The entire Assembly maintained respectful silence during his address, though whispers buzzed through the balconies as soon as Nafron finished speaking.
Ambassador Donovan was the first to take the floor from the Cartel. He claimed Sorth was making a small raid into a war and opposed any retaliation against the Thess’ns. His voice fairly oozed contempt in spite of his mild tone as he accused Sorth of conducting covert ops against the Thess’ns, which was partly true, thought nearly everything to this point had been gathering intelligence in a passive manner. That everything they had done was with the full approval of, and in some cases at the request of, Stellar Admiral Deece was not mentioned at all. That was not something the Cartel was briefed in on. When he went so far as to suggest that the Thess’ns had attacked in response to Sorth’s hostile acts, Ambassador Kenderban half rose from his seat sputtering in anger. Kenderban’s assistant laid a restraining hand on his superior’s shoulder.
Nafron inquired mildly if Donovan was suggesting that free trade could be considered a hostile act and in what way this was a threat to the Thess’n Empire. It was hostile, of course, just not illegal. The worlds subjugated by the Thess’ns were essentially slaves and the Thess’ns took exception to them being able to trade the products of their labors for what ever they wished. That most of what was traded was food and medical supplies made the accusation doubly insulting. The Guild ships operating behind the lines did not trade arms, usually. The only real exceptions were weapons confiscated from the enemy.
Shazir rose, taking his turn to remind everyone that Sorth was not the only world who had suffered Thess’n attack in recent years. His mention of the attack on Othcaris brought back memories of the unedited record they had seen in this very chamber of the results of that raid.
Ambassador Carden, of Aerlon, pulled out the stops then. He suggested they should be seeking to negotiate a peace with the Thess’ns, in spite of the fact that the Thess’n Empire seemed to have no diplomatic arm at all and every previous attempt at diplomacy had resulted in the disappearance of the envoy. At this statement, things deteriorated into a shouting match. Shazir took the dais in a single leap and bellowed loud enough for all to hear. Using the most pleasant of tones, he suggested Carden should personally negotiate with the Thess’ns as soon as it was convenient. His cordial seeming words were denied by the fierce manner in which the saurian’s head crest was fanned taunt, spikes jutting aggressively. The threat had the desired effect. The room was stunned to silence.
Carden flushed, he hadn’t really meant to go that far. He was not suicidal. He flushed deeper still when Layconn of Chalder rose and called him on it, suggesting that his statement was nothing but theatrics. The meat of Layconn’s message followed though, the observation that the Coalition was already at war, whether they liked it or not. A number of the Cartel’s allies began to shift nervously in their seats.
In one characters thoughts. While intimate, this is still lacking the impact it should have. Alone, it is a cumbersome way to tell a story.
Anger grew, overpowering the frustration Nafron felt. The chill of it had even begun to numb the pain of his torn and bleeding soul. His Voraila was gone, the Crystal Towers were shattered – and the foolish children in the Cartel were playing power games when they should have been concerned about protecting the people they were here to represent.
Still, he was a diplomat and politician. It was his job to convey the urgency of the situation to the rest of the Assembly. He gave a vivid account of the attack on Sorth, allowing his words to build images in the minds of the representatives. Nafron wished he could get away with projecting some of those images directly in to their thoughts. The idea, perversely, made him feel better. He wouldn’t do it of course; that would be illegal in this company and beyond his abilities in any case.
Disquiet crept over him as Donovan took the floor next. Nafron suppressed his personal reactions to the man’s inflammatory speech. How dare he accuse Sorth of causing the hostility? Nafron scanned the faces of the other worlds in the Cartel and did not like the smugness he saw there. Equally revealing was the uneasiness of divided loyalties that only occurred when someone had been bought – and possibly regretted it, or at least looked as though they feared regret loomed on the horizon.
Nafron kept his response mild, much better to let the opposition humiliate themselves than to encourage debate which could carry on forever. He kept faithfully to his role as the patient, elder statesman that he was. He had served as Sorth’s Ambassador even longer than he had been Lord of Talmanor. That gave him at least one hundred years experience over every other representative in the Assembly.
He was grateful for the unquestioned support of the other founding worlds. The solidarity of the seven on most issues of any real long-term importance was probably the only thing that had saved the Coalition so far. Shazir, Zyhre’s Ambassador, hit exactly the right tone in reminding the Assembly of the other victims of Thess’n attacks. Reminding them of Othcaris was particularly useful. That primitive world had done, could have done, nothing to provoke the Thess’ns wrath other than simply existing. The evidence of the brutal attack had been broadcast in this very chamber, the unedited version, rather than the one that had been cleaned up for the news people to use. He could see it in their faces, they had not forgotten.
Nafron carefully schooled his expression when Carden stood. The man was a pompous windbag, but a dangerous one. The fool echoed Donovan in urging a diplomatic solution. He even went so far as to suggest that Sorth and the Traders should abandon all activity in Thess’n territory. Since what they were mainly engaged in was trade, bringing in food and medical supplies to some of the worlds under Thess’n domination, the suggestion was insulting. True, those same people also gathered intelligence reports to be forwarded to the appropriate authorities, but they were not conducting combat operations except in self-defense. At least, not yet. Nafron felt a tiny trickle of satisfaction pierce the cold lack of emotion that was what Sorthians experienced as anger. Alcar was out there now and that situation would soon change, but this Assembly didn’t need to know that.
Carden’s speech set off the angry free-for-all that had probably been his goal in the first place. If so, Nafron thought, he was going to get it in the gut. It was difficult not to smile when Shazir leapt up and bellowed over the tumult, suggesting that if Carden wanted to negotiate he should do so. Since they had never heard from any previous envoy to the Thess’n Empire, this was tantamount to a direct threat. Carden had obviously stepped over an invisible line and he was more than a little embarrassed to be called on it. Kenderbran, of Tarrel, another good friend of Nafron’s, reinforced Shazir’s slap in the face in slightly politer terms.
That shook up some of the colonial worlds that had been bought off by the Cartel’s trade agreements, but not enough. Nafron knew it would take something more to push the vote over. It was a kind of maneuver warfare he hated, especially since it seemed he was running out of both maneuvering room and fresh ammunition.
