Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) Classic issue #526 (published February 17, 2011): "Making the Kessel run in under twelve parsecs."

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Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) Classic issue #526 (published February 17, 2011)

Making the Kessel run in under twelve parsecs.

Giant Squid: Ask the Giant Squid: The Lazy and Ignorant Come Testing Day by the Giant Squidwill i pass the exam

bye

lorna



My Dearest Lorna,

I am much afeared that the answer is, almost entirely beyond the doubt's shadow, No; you shall not pass the exam.

Many factors contribute to this, my conclusion. First and foremost, if the exam is to be administered in English, and if any portion of it should offer you the opportunity to self-express beyond the simple selection of a forced multiple choice, then it is assured that your final score will be penalized in direct proportion to the looseness of your grasp of your mother tongue, which is itself at best a slapdash concatenation of Latin loan-words, Greek borrow phrases, a mismatched collection of suffixes and prefixes outright stolen from the Germans, several loose handfuls of bolts, some wax, and a crippled Tlingit's kerosene-soaked contempt for reliable syntax. Even within that flexible frame, it is hard to argue that your free-form writing complies with its norms. In this regard, I find your failure to punctuate especially ill-boding, and your ignorance of—or overt laziness preventing your acceding to—the widely accepted English norm of capitalizing the first-person singular pronoun to be downright distressing; have you, as of late, suffered a closed, yet traumatic, head injury? . . .

Fiction: Rejected Curios: Joe Louie Armstrong's "Valved Bugle" by David Erik NelsonLot 238 is an American-style "valved bugle" of uncertain provenance.

When he ascended to the Moon in 1938 to defeat Nazi German heavyweight Max Schmeling, Joe Louie Armstrong not only roused his flagging nation, but also became the first black astro-pugilist to play trumpet on the Moon. As Schmeling staggered, then crumpled to his knees in the gunpowdery dust of the makeshift boxing ring, a captivated world tuned in for Armstrong's historic first transmission . . .

Poetry: A Wiki-Leaked Document On The Status Of The Giant Squid by Mel C. ThompsonNo one knows how he learned to read and write English.

Rumor has it a former Soviet scuba diver taught him.

This was translated into a form of complex sign language

involving the use of each of the suction cups and tentacles.

The methodology is far too intricate to explain in this stanza. . . .

Rant: Rebuttal To "The Word 'White'" (March 18, 1854) by Kevin VorshakI must, with great emphasis, set straight the words proffered by Mr. Frederick Douglass yesterday with regards to the Homestead Bill of 1854. . . .