Alternate Panel Titles for Writers' Conferences

Why good books are good and bad books are bad.

Why I am smarter than everyone else on the panel and in the world

Everything women write is good and everything men write is bad, but this isn't sexist

How to be more like me.

Why all my life choices have been validated by my success

The panelists have no idea why they are here and neither do you.

Rambling and off-color jokes by major authors

All the women who write those “romance/YA/touchy-feely books” in one panel to get them out of the way.

All the “diverse” authors who will only be allowed on the diversity panel because all diverse books are only about diversity.

The one token female who will be immolated live for your entertainment.

Two panels going on at the same time—who can tell which is which?

The unintentionally hilarious panel.

The no-planning involved panel, so just ask us questions.

Mumble, mumble, mumble panel where no one uses the mics.

This panel topic is so boring it will be hijacked by something else.

Big words will be used on this panel for no other reason than to make the audience feel stupid.

Name dropping seminar—how to do it well, and badly.

All my books in the first ten minutes or less.

A long description of every book every author on the panel has ever written.

This is what people look like who drank too much, slept too little and woke too early.

Obscure panel on author no one reads anymore

Panel suggested by big name who then cancelled appearance

The fourth panel on the same topic, with a “new” twist.

Self-pubbed author panel.

Random anecdotes that will be alternately amusing.

Panelists who laugh at in-jokes no one else gets.

First panel of the day on a topic considered “unimportant.”

Obligatory vampire panel.

All the unhappy authors panel.

One crazy author panel.

All the panelists who agreed to be put up against Neil Gaiman's reading.

Men who cannot stop speaking and the women who have to put up with it.

Panel of awkward silence.

All about crystals, rainbows, and unicorns.

My books don't sell because they are “classics” and meant “for the ages.”

Why Twilight was the worst book ever written (even though I have never read it)

Only come to this panel is you already agree with what the panelists say.