AN OPEN LETTER TO HOWARD STERN

Dear Howard:

Just a couple quick things. First, tell The Missing Link (Gary Dell 'Abate) not to book Jackie Martling on the show again. Jackie is a washed-up, has-been. His act is so old the jokes were written by Druids -- so old, a transcript was found with The Dead Sea Scrolls. Jackie recently booked a gig at a Jenny Craig seminar, and nearly suffocated when Kirstie Alley threw her panties on stage. Entertaining plus-size women and devotees of tractor shows is all he has to look forward to. Funny how contrite he's become now that he can't buy a box of turds (not even the sampler). Seeing Jackie back on your show kissing ass and sucking up almost triggered my gag reflex. A comatose Artie Lange is more entertaining than this bore. I'd rather watch Richard use Sal's penis for a kazoo. Please kick "The Joke Man" to the curb once and for all.

While I still hope to see Artie back on the show, please don't even think about hiring Jackie as head writer; likewise Benjy (nice kid, but looks like a cretin with overactive sweat glands). If you need someone to fill the gig, I'm available. Just give my agent Vinny a holler. (I'll forward contact info.) Oh, one more thing . . . don't know if it's the green drinks or those coffee enemas, but Robin Quivers is lookin' hotter than a Scores girl on a tin roof in July. Much love Robin, much love -- Quinn