Remembering Letitia Baldridge – More Than Just Manners
I heard a few hours ago of the passing of a dear colleague...and dare I say, friend. Letitia Baldridge died today at age 86. She gained her reputation as "the empress of Etiquette" (as quoted by USA Today) in the Kennedy White House as Jackie Kennedy's "social secretary," but she left a lasting legacy in the teachings, books and philosophy she shared.
"Tish" as she allowed her friends to call her, was an early influence on my work with what was then called "The PoliteChild." I had always had a philosophy that we should be teaching our kids more than just "behavior" which is what most manners/etiquette classes focus on. I believed that we had to be sure our young people were grounded in the underlying character values -- what I called the "motivators" -- so that their behavior was in line with their attitudes. It was soon after the first PoliteChild curriculum was completed that I came across Letitia's book "More Than Just Manners" and I was so pleased to learn that she held the same belief!
I don't know what possessed me to write her, but I think the first lettre went to her about Summer 2002 or later that same year. I sent her a package with PoliteChild materials and an outline for our "EarlyLearners" classes and she wrote back soon after, thanking me for the gift and complimenting me on offering a manners class for children as young as 2 1/2. A reasonably steady pattern of communication ensued -- not always through the USPS, but also in emails. She had a definite opinion on things and often shared her frustrations with the continuing decline of civility in the world. There was a real person behind the mannerly advice, but she always believed in practicing what she preached.
In Spring of 2005, I had an opportunity to visit Washington DC. My purpose there was to meet with several legislators and the Department of Education (what a waste of time THAT was...but that's for another day!) to share with them PoliteChild's successes and enlist support for wider adoption in schools. I let Tish know I was going to be in town; imagine my surprise when she insisted I come by to have coffee with her, if my schedule permitted. Happily, it did. Early on one of the mornings I was due at the Congressional offices, I arrived at the beautiful home on Massachusetts Avenue and was shown to "Ms. Baldridge's" flat up on the top floor. I was shown into the main parlor and as I was waiting, heard a voice call out "I'll be right there!" And...suddenly she was. This icon of civility and I was finally actually meeting her!
The house was both comfortable and beautiful, but one thing that was notable -- all these pictures on her walls of her with dignitaries, past and present. Kennedys of course, but so many others that it was mind-boggling. Some of those I have the blessing to share along with her -- Katie Couric among them. But it really impressed me just what a factor she has been in so many different ways.
We moved to the dining room to take coffee and there were yummy pastries as well. I don't remember all that we talked about, but some of it was "shop" and other topics weren't. She was hugely encouraging of what I was doing and promised her support. She even offered to write a forward for the book I was planning and gave me contact info for her agent. It was a phenomenal hour and a half, but I had to leave for my meetings -- she had taken the initiative to order me a car to take me to the Capitol as she said the traffic that time of the morning was "horrific."
Naturally, after that, we were in more frequent touch. I don't recall what prompted it, but in Fall of 2006 (ironically, dated a week ago six years ago), Tish had had enough of the "ridiculousness" of the schools and youth behavior. She decided that she needed to go "to the top" and call attention to the successes PoliteChild was having. I think now that she has passed, I can share this:
October 24, 2006
MEMO TO: Maria Miller, The While House
Forgive me for bothering one of the busiest offices in the land, but I thought I would personally forward to you Corinne Gregory's letter and disk on "The Polite Child." I think her project in the field of child education and manners is very worth while, and deserves to be brought to your attention.
I know you get a million of these every week. So do I, because of my writing on manners, but this one deserves to be known about, so I am taking the liberty of forwarding it on to you, thanks to Lea Berman, who lives close by.
Saluti,
Tish Baldridge
She had forwarded a copy of the letter to me; the original she sent "via personal courier" because she knew that the protocol of getting it to its addressee required a lot of twists and turns. By using her own contacts, she was able to circumvent the normal channels. In spite of all her efforts, nothing came of it, but I was so honored and humbled that Tish would actually take this step on our behalf.
In the past few years, we lost touch. I tried to mail her a copy of "It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them" but the book was returned by the Post Office. I understood she had gotten in partnership with another individual and while I tried to contact her through those connections, no calls or emails were returned.
In so many ways, I see Tish much like I view Julia Child (and, they were similarly tall, too, go figure!): they were huge influencers in their area of expertise, not just because of their expertise, but because they made it real, personal and available to us, the "regular" folk. I -- like many others -- was never going to be dining in a Kennedy White House, but because of her, we have the knowledge of what we are expected to do should we ever get that invite.
But beyond her lessons of behavior, were her beliefs about the value of kindness, courtesy and consideration. While it's important to be a mannerly person, if you are a good person, you will generally behave in a way consistent with Good Manners, because that's just how you treat others. All the perfect etiquette in the world will do you no good if you don't act from a center of respect and compassion.
Dear Tish, I'm sorry to hear you have left us. But, know that you have touched many lives and will never be "gone" because your teaching and your wisdom -- and your personality -- has left a real and permanent mark on us and the field we so believe in. God is very lucky to have you making sure everyone eats with the proper fork in heaven tonight!
