No... no... no... yes... no... no...
I haven't been able to sleep well the past couple of nights, a sure sign that my anxiety, stress and depression are taking a toll on me.
So last night, around 4am, I was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, when I became acutely aware of how empty the other half of the bed was. Don't worry, this isn't a wallowing of self pity. The emptiness got me thinking: if there was a knock at the door and it was a random playmate, would I want them to fill the empty space?
I started going through all my previous playmates from the time I had become "active": boyfriends, FwB, flings, XH... (it's not as big a list as one would assume).
I took away any real life details of theirs: wives, girlfriends, gayness, kids, death, insanity... to make decisions a little easier.
Out of all of them (and I will say yes, they are in the double digits, no, they are not in the triple) I came up with the whopping number of FOUR.
What I took into considerations was the levels of disgust, indifference, dullness, compatibility, sensuality, flexibility, conversation skills, and cuddliness... and a few other bits of data. Granted, I'm not sure if I remember all of them who have touched my life - and other parts - (which right there excludes those forgotten), and I of course didn't include those have only fantasized about (so George Clooney had to be excluded) but I wonder if 4 is a good or bad indication of my life so far?
Why am I thinking about this? Did I mention I haven't been able to sleep lately?
So last night, around 4am, I was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, when I became acutely aware of how empty the other half of the bed was. Don't worry, this isn't a wallowing of self pity. The emptiness got me thinking: if there was a knock at the door and it was a random playmate, would I want them to fill the empty space?
I started going through all my previous playmates from the time I had become "active": boyfriends, FwB, flings, XH... (it's not as big a list as one would assume).
I took away any real life details of theirs: wives, girlfriends, gayness, kids, death, insanity... to make decisions a little easier.
Out of all of them (and I will say yes, they are in the double digits, no, they are not in the triple) I came up with the whopping number of FOUR.
What I took into considerations was the levels of disgust, indifference, dullness, compatibility, sensuality, flexibility, conversation skills, and cuddliness... and a few other bits of data. Granted, I'm not sure if I remember all of them who have touched my life - and other parts - (which right there excludes those forgotten), and I of course didn't include those have only fantasized about (so George Clooney had to be excluded) but I wonder if 4 is a good or bad indication of my life so far?
Why am I thinking about this? Did I mention I haven't been able to sleep lately?
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