Build-A-Baby Workshop!

Newsy stuff Choose Your Own Adventure: Glorious V...

Build-A-Baby Workshop!

Babies are great, and everyone is having one – from Lily ‘Lily Allen’ Allen to Anne Boleyn. In fact, more than 1000 babies have been born since 1998, and even hospitals are catering for them now. Why not? They scream, they scream, they shit themselves, and they scream. Who wouldn’t want one?

Though I have previously created a your perfect squealing shit beast, it appears I may have jumped the gun. Many (most) people I know have either rendered themselves infertile by vacationing to Chernobyl/ practicing homosexuality, and don’t even have a baby to name.

But stop sucking on those pacifiers and weeping over stock pictures of other people’s photogenic children! For I have opened the world’s first ‘Build-A-Baby’ workshop, where you can create your very own ‘Frankenbaby’!

STEP ONE: Choose-A-Head!

Every baby needs a head, which they use for sucking, screaming, vomiting, and twisting around 360 degrees when they’re possessed by demons! But which head is right for you?

Here are the Build-A-’Baby’ Workshop we have over 12 heads for you to choose from, made by the very choicest of scientists. You can choose from plastic, vinyl, tin, lead, and ‘mystery material’. Each head comes with its very own set of teeth and gaping holes where eyes should be (CAUTION: inserting eyes into the head voids all warranties). Congratulations, you’re now parent to a skull!

STEP TWO: Choose-a-Heart

Hearts are important organs. According to my Bumper Book of Mormon Science, hearts are where the human soul is found! Without a heart, your baby could grow up to be bisexual, or an abortionist!

Build-A-Monster Workshop has 2 hearts to choose from: Evil and Probably Not Evil. Simply pick one from the ‘Heart Bin’. They’re made from real pigs! For only 12 eurocents more, you can bring in your own heart! We won’t ask any questions!

STEP THREE: Choose-Most-Everything-Else

Of course, as a ‘Doctor’ I am aware that babies are comprised of more than skulls and hearts. There are other important things, like appendixes, and extra hearts. Thankfully Build-A-JESUS-FUCKING-CHRIST-KILL-IT-KILL-IT Workshop we have most of the things needed to sustain infant life – from cotton wool lungs to chalk intestines. Simply visit the ‘Super-Silly-Fun-Organ-Kiosk’ to choose a free organ! (Additional organs charged at 180,000 Zelda-Rupees per kilo).

Please refrain from screaming in front of the Super-Silly-Fun-Organ-Kiosk.

STEP FOUR: Choose-A-Limb

Now, babies don’t really require limbs, as they do not move. However, they do make for fancy decorations, and serve as additional places to give them tattoos. But we here at Build-A-_____ Workshop are lightyears ahead of the game, and we stock all that future science has to offer: from wheels to propellers to spinning blades, there’s no reason your child need be lumbered with clumsy ‘arms’ and ‘legs’. Purchase before October 31st to gain 4 additional limbs for free! WHO’S WINNING NOW, SPIDERS?!

STEP FIVE: Skin

Finally, we have your choice of skin. We hear at ‘LOCATION CLOSED PENDING LEGAL INVESTIGATION’ Workshop embrace all of Mormon God’s races, and so you’re free to choose from white, pink, peach, or neon! You can also choose from a variety of fabrics, including lycra and muppet fur.

NEW: Our ‘cling film’ skin will really lower those doctors bills, now you can see all your child’s internal organs at a glance! It’s wipe-clean – forget about stains! Wrap food! Save on Halloween costumes!

And no horrifying skin conditions!

TAKE IT HOME, NEVER BRING IT BACK

There we have it! You now have a baby of your very own! Please bear in mind that the babies are dry-clean only, and take care not to leave them around real children, lest they inhabit their bodies and slaughter family pets. Do not sleep.

Never sleep.