Separating Fantasy from Real Life

Here we go again.  Fifty Shades of Grey.  People have lost their minds over it.  And while I’m all for you pushing your boundaries in the bedroom by taking a few cues from popular fiction, it is time for a word of caution. 
I’ve never felt the need to ask my readers to proceed carefully when it comes to sex.  After all, I deal in sci-fi and the paranormal, realms that are definitely not of this world.  I don’t have to tell any of you to choose your alien clan, vampire, or werewolf with care.  You can easily separate fantasy from reality with my work.  However, with the world of kink hitting the mainstream bestseller list and people pushing their limits in the bedroom as a result, I am worried about those of you not yet in committed, trusting relationships.  That you are out there searching for your Doms and Masters with perhaps only fiction to guide your journey concerns me.
Fiction moves at a lightning pace.  It has to in order to get all the story in.  In erotica, people fall into bed rather quickly.  In BDSM erotica, the paddles and ropes come out fast.  This is fantasy, folks.  This is not real life.  You do not go to your local munch or club, find the  Dom of your dreams, and let the whip fly.  No, no, no, no.
Real life BDSM takes a lot of trust.  After all, the sub is putting her/himself at another’s mercy.  And while you may be titillated with romantic ideas of kneeling at someone’s feet, the truth is, BDSM has its share of predators ... just like in the vanilla world.  Not only should you proceed into the kinky relationship as you would a vanilla, you must be more careful because of the pretenders out there.
Get to know that other person who makes naughty thoughts tumble in your head.  Have dinner.  Date.  Hold hands and walk on the beach.  Do all these things before you put out your wrists for those cuffs.  Most of you don’t fall into bed for regular sex the first thing, do you?  BDSM is no different.  And if someone professing to be a Dom says it is normal to get right to the funny business, run.  Run very fast and lock your doors.  That isn’t a Dom.  That is someone looking out for only his own pleasure, which could end very badly for you.
A real Dom or Master knows he must earn your trust.  He’s not going to be after you right away to put your ass under his paddle.  A real Dom gets to know you well, all your quirks, limits, and insecurities ... the better to discipline you with later, my dears.  He is going to take his time with you.  He is going to become very important to you, a real partner in your sexual journey rather than just someone giving you orders.  Real Masters aren’t going to rush you into anything you’re not ready for.  They don’t take advantage of your burning curiosity and the desire to find your own Mr. Grey.
In short, use sense when finding your perfect Dom.  Remember the vanilla Mr. Right you were after before you realized those secret bondage fantasies weren’t so crazy after all?  That’s how you proceed as you look for that special, strong, kinky man.  Date him, have long conversations with him, get used to having his arms around you and making you feel safe.  Meet his friends, know his dreams and hopes and worries, spend lots of time together.  Then, and only then, do you put yourself in his caring but exacting hands.
Be careful out there, sweethearts.  Please.