338: Progress and Backward Stepping

I’ve developed a pattern these last few weeks. I never noticed it before I started blogging about these things and it’s strange to me. The progress I make here comes in bursts and false starts. I’m miserable, I work my way through it, empower myself, feel good about it, and then plummet back to miserable. It’s a messy, messy thing. it’s starting to become a monthly cycle as well. It might actually be connected to my monthly cycle, which is slightly TMI for everyone, but I feel it’s necessary to explore these aspects of my life.

Right now, I’m heading into the Week Before. What does this mean? I feel like hell, my body is sore and bloated and unhappy. Inside, I’m messy, un-opinionated, lost and confused. I’m irritable because I don’t know what I want, who I am, and it pisses me off to be this way. The control freak in me wants all the emotions nice and neatly folded and put on the shelf for future use.

You’d think after nearly nine years I would be over my divorce. I think in many ways, I am. But in other ways, I’m still struggling. Divorce, for those that aren’t aware or haven’t had the experience, is a grueling, maddening, super messy process. Mine was messy and my ex didn’t have a leg to stand on. And even though I am so glad to be gone, there is this gnawing sense of loss. I shouldn’t feel that loss. Divorce was the right thing to do. But it’s there. I try to wrap it up in other negative emotions to throw out with the trash, but it somehow gets snuck back into my mind for another run at me.

If it weren’t for my family, for my parents, I would have a tremendous sense of loss. I lost my husband. But my family was there, kind and loving, and super supportive. Even though I have them, I still feel like I don’t have any anchors for my life. The most important aspects of my life are my friends and my family. They function as cornerstones, instead of anchors. They’re helping me to build a permanent dwelling, instead of living on that boat house all the time, relying on that anchor to keep me close to shore.

I feel such an overwhelming sadness. My family, my friends… they are such a huge part of me. What I need to do is learn how to let go, how to set fire to my past and leave only the ashes of memories behind. I need to stop dwelling on things that I can’t change, or allowing my body to rule the way that I feel. I’m not sure how to do that, but it has to be possible. It’s just… when I’m at that miserable low point of my life, it feels like loss after loss after loss is piled up on me, until I’m totally and completley overwhelmed by it all.

I made the right choice eight years ago. For me, for my kids. They’re happy, and healthy. I’m a better person, in a better place. I know. Surprisingly. I’m ripping out my miserable heart here and I’m still a better person than I was eight years ago. I’m surrounded by people who love and care for me, regardless of how ornery or passive aggressive I can be. I left because I had to, because it was right.

But none of that will make this new life any easier.