On eating candy in the face of adversity

First of all, just because I’ve
had the song in my head all day, I want you to hit play on the video below. You
don’t have to watch it. Just let the music play while you’re reading tonight’s
entry. I think you’ll agree, since we’re using a lot of pictures, some amount
of a soundtrack can be appreciated. And I promise, the lyrics and all that
stuff are appropriate.




So just click play.









Got it going?




Okay. Here’s the skinny. Well, a
dramatized and mostly fictitious version of the skinny. It was my mother’s
birthday last week. She turned… I’m just going to go with “twenty-eight. Again.”
And of course there were parties, laughter, and all sorts of merriment. Her
coworkers got her a cake. My brother made her a cake. And one of her friends
made her a cake. In the shape of a penis.




Why? I guess, why not?




For what it’s worth, I had not
been at that party. But to match the penis cake, there were little white
chocolate penis suckers for everybody. So many in fact, that Mom brought one
home in a ziploc baggy.




“If any of you boys want it. It’s
white chocolate. They’re really good!”




“Then you eat it!”




“Oh, no. One of you go ahead.”




…Yes, my brother’s and I all had
a good laugh at the little cock on a stick.




“No, no. Cultures go in from the
other side.”




But nobody ate it. All jokes
aside, there were silent, awkward glances around the room. For several days the
penis sat in its little baggy atop the microwave. It got moved and shifted
around along with the rest of the stuff in the general area. At one point our
kitten, Polaris, batted it onto the floor.




“Oh, darn! It hit the floor! I
guess somebody will have to throw it into the garba- Wow. It’s still safely in
that plastic baggy. …Why don’t we just throw it in the garbage?”




“Maybe somebody will eat it.”




“…I’m not putting a penis in my
mouth. You eat it.”




…No, no. I just had a big lunch.
Q’Doba.




“Wouldn’t you like some dessert?”




Pretty full, thank you.




“I bet it’s good if you dunk it
in milk.”




Really, I’m fine.




“It’s not gay. It’s just candy. It’s
white chocolate. You love white chocolate. Come on. Eat it. Put it in your
mouth. Now. Do it. Eat it. Slowly.”




I wouldn’t so much call this
homophobia (which is a stupid word) as much as it was affirming our
heterosexuality. It was unspoken. None of us had a conversation about it. But
every time somebody passed it or mentioned it, a certain sort of discomfort
filled the air. An unexplained awkwardness. Whatever it is that makes it funny
and cute for women to laugh over devouring candy dicks happens to be the same
thing that makes it mildly disturbing and terrible.




“Do we really live in the sort of
house where we just have penises setting out on the kitchen appliances?”




Things didn’t get weird until our
mother was walking through the kitchen a few days later and said, “Guys? Nobody
ate the penis!”




“You eat it!”




“Nah. Don’t want it.”




“Then throw it away!”




“Why waste some perfectly good
white chocolate? There are starving children in third world countries that never
get to eat penis pops!”




Oh, holy hell. Well now that we’ve
involved the starving masses, all of us are feeling guilty for NOT eating the
penis.




“Well, what if we just save it
until Halloween and then put in some kid’s bag. Then nobody has to eat it and
it’s not wasted food.”




You are not putting a candy cock
in a child’s Halloween bag!




“Fine! Where on the kid would YOU
rather put it?”




…Okay. Maybe three or four of
those words were actually stated. The point was simply that we found ourselves
in this situation where for no reason anybody was willing to throw the thing in
the garbage, and nobody was willing to eat it.




“It would make for a funny blog.”




…God damn it. It would make for a
funny blog.




But it’s not good enough to just
tell a bunch of penis jokes. How often does that happen around here? So instead,
I decided to give you guys a little documentary in pictures of the stupid penis
pop being devoured. Hopefully capturing all the unnecessary drama and
awkwardness that went with it being in our kitchen. 









...Yeah, I dunno either.