Thoughts?
Okay, so I'm jacked back in to the Matrix for a bit. Mostly because editing makes me cranky and I needed a break.
I was hoping to get a bit of feedback for the new direction I'm taking with book one of the Lost Princess series. Some reviewers pointed out a few things that I hadn't realized (like the opening being very similar to Superman. I've never even watched the films actually. Oops. ). I've fixed a few things and I've changed the characters a bit to hopefully make them more realistic.
I'm not sure which chapter to post so I think I'll start with chapter three because it has the most changes, I think. Anywho, I hope you all like it and please don't be afraid to comment.
Chapter Three
The quiet street’s peaceful tranquility was soon disrupted by the sounds of martial discord coming from inside 921 Euclid Avenue. The neighbors simply turned up their televisions. It was commonplace to mind to your own affairs and not get involved in someone else’s. The sound of a ceramic what-knot shattering against the wall seeped outside. The door then flung open and slammed shut, the woman involved in the fight had decided to walk, or stomp, away from the dispute. The door slammed behind her right after the man yelled that it was best for her not to come back along with various obscenities.
Tears streamed down her face as she plopped down on the top step leading up to her small concrete porch. She let out a small exasperated sigh before placing her head in her hands and sobbing. A small rustling sound turned her attention from herself to a possible intruder. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she turned to see if she could locate the noise. It was hard to see anything on the moonless night and of course her husband had turned the porch light off to let her stew alone in the dark.
Another of his ridiculous attempts to keep the fight going. He loved to fight and picked fights more often than not. These episodes were part of a vicious cycle they had found themselves caught up in. They would fight, and then they would pretend as if the other didn’t exist for a few days, then they would make up as husbands and wives often do and then they would be totally and completely devoted to each other for all of a day before the fighting would start again.
It was nothing new and she wondered how much longer their marriage would last before it imploded in on itself. Of course she knew exactly why they fought as they did. It had nothing to do with money or lack of one doing their fair share of house work. No, most of their fights, if not all, were rooted in the fact that she was unable to give him a child. He never said it like that but it was exactly what she felt. She thought somehow that she had failed him in some respect, even though he never said so. They had tried for years, first with herbal solutions, then medications and finally in-vitro fertilization. After the last miscarriage she had sworn off any further attempts. In her mind, it wasn’t meant to be.
With all this heartache came walls. Margaret had become a master at building walls around her heart to ease the pain of loss she felt. In doing so however, she also blocked out her husband or anyone else who tried to get close. She didn’t even realize she was doing it until someone pointed it out and even then, she had not a clue how to tear them down. Deep down, she didn’t want to.
The rustling noise had stopped, but in its place came a small whimper. Listening carefully she realized that the sound was coming from just a few feet below her. Squinting in the darkness and using the street light for guidance, she made her way to the bottom step where the most shocking site came into view. Lying right there on her step, was a tremendous gift, a baby.
Margaret searched the street for signs of who might have possibly abandoned it, but no one was around. She gently scooped up the child and pulled back the blanket. For a brief second, her eyes met with the child’s. They seemed to bore straight to her sole, terrifying her instantly. All of her work to shut out the world was on the verge of being undone by a tiny baby girl, with deep pools of green for eyes.
Panicked, she ran inside and handed over the child to Tony who was still visibly fuming over their argument.
“What the hell…” he stopped mid sentence to stare at the beautiful sight before him. It was a child. Out of nowhere his prayers had been answered. The look on his wife’s face instantly sent his blood boiling.
“She won’t bite you know,” he spat.
“I know that you idiot. I didn’t want, I just, ugh,” she gave up trying to retaliate. She was too tired to play his game right now and way too stressed.
“I’m going to bed. Have fun.”
“What? This is a gift from--”
“Don’t say it. Don’t even start with me about that. She’s not ours. She’s someone else’s. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be. First thing in the morning, I’m taking her to the police and report that someone has abandoned her.”
“The hell you will,” Tony retorted. He took the baby and stormed off down the hall to what used to be the computer room. He had recently moved in a bed to escape the iciness of his wife. The door slammed shut a little too loudly, startling the baby. She cried out and Tony held her close. After a few moments together, he was instantly in love. He gently placed her on the bed and unwrapped the tightly wound blanket from around her.
“What’s this?” he said out loud. He ran his fingers across a small design embroidered on the right side of the girls light blue, silvery dress. It was a simple circle that contained a square and inside the square was a triangle. In the exact center of the shapes was an ornate “S”.
It was strange attire for a child who had been abandoned. The dress appeared to be of high quality and not the rags you would expect a child who was unloved to be placed in. Pushing it from his mind he continued to make sure the baby was alright, examining her for cuts or bruises or signs of malnourishment. He was stunned to find her in perfect health. It didn’t make sense and he began to wonder if Margaret had been right. Should he report her discovery to the police?
He knew what would happen and it was too much to bear. If her parents couldn’t be located, which he had a feeling they wouldn’t. After all, what loving parents just leave their child on a stranger’s doorstep in the middle of the night? When no parents would be located, the child would end up in foster care and be ward of the state. He couldn’t let that happen. In his mind, he was the best choice for the child.
“You’re with me now kiddo,” he said, touching his finger to the baby’s nose, sending her into a fit of giggles.
“Time for a bath,” Tony announced and the pair went off to the bathroom.
The baby girl laughed and giggled as she was scrubbed clean. Tony gazed at her lovingly and grew more attached to her as each moment passed. Margaret stood at the edge of the doorway, listening to the two from a distance.
A new emotion grew inside of her, jealously. This child would be his whole world now and she knew it. How could she compete with that? Her first instinct was to run, but somewhere inside she still loved her husband. It was what he wanted for so long, how could she take that from him now? It would be hard, but she would try her best. Hopefully that would be enough. It had been Margaret who was unable to provide her husband with what he desired most in this world. Now that he had it, she wouldn’t be the one to take it away.
Margaret had been so lost in thought that she didn’t hear when Tony let the water out of the tub. He brushed by her without so much as a single word. He went into the spare bedroom, the room that was supposed to be their first child’s. When they had finally been able to conceive, Tony went a little over board. He bought bottles, diapers, and a crib, everything a newborn baby would require. It was all for not however. Two weeks later, Margaret lost the child and that was the end of their attempts.
Tony readied the child for bed as if he was an old pro. After all, he had grown up in a house with five siblings. He was the second to the oldest and he helped his mother out with rearing his younger brothers and sisters. It was that experience in life that had led him to seek out a family of his own. Margaret however, was an only child. Her mother had had a baby before her that had not lived past a few days. It was something that had been kept from her most of her childhood but as she suffered through her own troubles getting pregnant, her mother felt it time to share.
Margaret had been heartbroken to learn she had a big sister and never knew it. It was then that she realized that maybe it wasn’t entirely her fault for her difficulties getting pregnant. It could be genetics, but it didn’t stop her from hating herself anyway.
“There you are. Here,” Tony said handing the freshly bundled baby over to her, “hold her while I fix her a bottle.” Margaret froze for a moment, uncertain of what to do next.
“Uhh, hi there,” she said as she looked down at her. Her big beautiful eyes looked back at her once more, peering into to heart, attempting to thaw it.
Her mind raced with thoughts of what his life could be like with a child finally in the mix. She gently touched her cheek. The baby cooed and smiled, chipping a small piece of that wall away.
Tony had been standing in front of the two of them for sometime before his clearing his throat in an attempt to stem the tears finally got Margaret’s attention. She looked up, startled at his presence.
“I didn’t see you there.”
“I was just watching you,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.
“Does this mean you’re okay with this now?”
She hesitated. The girl was adorable for sure, but loving her was an entirely different matter. It would take time, although she could see Tony was well on his way.
“I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean you’re not sure?” Anger now replaced his teary demeanor from before. “You know what, never mind. I will take care of her.”
He snatched the baby from Margaret’s grasp and stormed off into his bedroom, careful not to slam the door quite as hard as before. He sat down on the bed to feed her, allowing his mind to wonder. How would he explain a brand new child to his family? Would they believe him if he told them the truth? What about when she got older and ready to go to school, he would have no Social Security number for her, no birth certificate, nothing. He yawned and looked at the clock. It was after midnight. These questions would have to be answered tomorrow. He let the baby girl finish eating, burped her and then the pair of them laid down for bed. In no time they were both sound asleep.
I was hoping to get a bit of feedback for the new direction I'm taking with book one of the Lost Princess series. Some reviewers pointed out a few things that I hadn't realized (like the opening being very similar to Superman. I've never even watched the films actually. Oops. ). I've fixed a few things and I've changed the characters a bit to hopefully make them more realistic.
I'm not sure which chapter to post so I think I'll start with chapter three because it has the most changes, I think. Anywho, I hope you all like it and please don't be afraid to comment.
Chapter Three
The quiet street’s peaceful tranquility was soon disrupted by the sounds of martial discord coming from inside 921 Euclid Avenue. The neighbors simply turned up their televisions. It was commonplace to mind to your own affairs and not get involved in someone else’s. The sound of a ceramic what-knot shattering against the wall seeped outside. The door then flung open and slammed shut, the woman involved in the fight had decided to walk, or stomp, away from the dispute. The door slammed behind her right after the man yelled that it was best for her not to come back along with various obscenities.
Tears streamed down her face as she plopped down on the top step leading up to her small concrete porch. She let out a small exasperated sigh before placing her head in her hands and sobbing. A small rustling sound turned her attention from herself to a possible intruder. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she turned to see if she could locate the noise. It was hard to see anything on the moonless night and of course her husband had turned the porch light off to let her stew alone in the dark.
Another of his ridiculous attempts to keep the fight going. He loved to fight and picked fights more often than not. These episodes were part of a vicious cycle they had found themselves caught up in. They would fight, and then they would pretend as if the other didn’t exist for a few days, then they would make up as husbands and wives often do and then they would be totally and completely devoted to each other for all of a day before the fighting would start again.
It was nothing new and she wondered how much longer their marriage would last before it imploded in on itself. Of course she knew exactly why they fought as they did. It had nothing to do with money or lack of one doing their fair share of house work. No, most of their fights, if not all, were rooted in the fact that she was unable to give him a child. He never said it like that but it was exactly what she felt. She thought somehow that she had failed him in some respect, even though he never said so. They had tried for years, first with herbal solutions, then medications and finally in-vitro fertilization. After the last miscarriage she had sworn off any further attempts. In her mind, it wasn’t meant to be.
With all this heartache came walls. Margaret had become a master at building walls around her heart to ease the pain of loss she felt. In doing so however, she also blocked out her husband or anyone else who tried to get close. She didn’t even realize she was doing it until someone pointed it out and even then, she had not a clue how to tear them down. Deep down, she didn’t want to.
The rustling noise had stopped, but in its place came a small whimper. Listening carefully she realized that the sound was coming from just a few feet below her. Squinting in the darkness and using the street light for guidance, she made her way to the bottom step where the most shocking site came into view. Lying right there on her step, was a tremendous gift, a baby.
Margaret searched the street for signs of who might have possibly abandoned it, but no one was around. She gently scooped up the child and pulled back the blanket. For a brief second, her eyes met with the child’s. They seemed to bore straight to her sole, terrifying her instantly. All of her work to shut out the world was on the verge of being undone by a tiny baby girl, with deep pools of green for eyes.
Panicked, she ran inside and handed over the child to Tony who was still visibly fuming over their argument.
“What the hell…” he stopped mid sentence to stare at the beautiful sight before him. It was a child. Out of nowhere his prayers had been answered. The look on his wife’s face instantly sent his blood boiling.
“She won’t bite you know,” he spat.
“I know that you idiot. I didn’t want, I just, ugh,” she gave up trying to retaliate. She was too tired to play his game right now and way too stressed.
“I’m going to bed. Have fun.”
“What? This is a gift from--”
“Don’t say it. Don’t even start with me about that. She’s not ours. She’s someone else’s. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be. First thing in the morning, I’m taking her to the police and report that someone has abandoned her.”
“The hell you will,” Tony retorted. He took the baby and stormed off down the hall to what used to be the computer room. He had recently moved in a bed to escape the iciness of his wife. The door slammed shut a little too loudly, startling the baby. She cried out and Tony held her close. After a few moments together, he was instantly in love. He gently placed her on the bed and unwrapped the tightly wound blanket from around her.
“What’s this?” he said out loud. He ran his fingers across a small design embroidered on the right side of the girls light blue, silvery dress. It was a simple circle that contained a square and inside the square was a triangle. In the exact center of the shapes was an ornate “S”.
It was strange attire for a child who had been abandoned. The dress appeared to be of high quality and not the rags you would expect a child who was unloved to be placed in. Pushing it from his mind he continued to make sure the baby was alright, examining her for cuts or bruises or signs of malnourishment. He was stunned to find her in perfect health. It didn’t make sense and he began to wonder if Margaret had been right. Should he report her discovery to the police?
He knew what would happen and it was too much to bear. If her parents couldn’t be located, which he had a feeling they wouldn’t. After all, what loving parents just leave their child on a stranger’s doorstep in the middle of the night? When no parents would be located, the child would end up in foster care and be ward of the state. He couldn’t let that happen. In his mind, he was the best choice for the child.
“You’re with me now kiddo,” he said, touching his finger to the baby’s nose, sending her into a fit of giggles.
“Time for a bath,” Tony announced and the pair went off to the bathroom.
The baby girl laughed and giggled as she was scrubbed clean. Tony gazed at her lovingly and grew more attached to her as each moment passed. Margaret stood at the edge of the doorway, listening to the two from a distance.
A new emotion grew inside of her, jealously. This child would be his whole world now and she knew it. How could she compete with that? Her first instinct was to run, but somewhere inside she still loved her husband. It was what he wanted for so long, how could she take that from him now? It would be hard, but she would try her best. Hopefully that would be enough. It had been Margaret who was unable to provide her husband with what he desired most in this world. Now that he had it, she wouldn’t be the one to take it away.
Margaret had been so lost in thought that she didn’t hear when Tony let the water out of the tub. He brushed by her without so much as a single word. He went into the spare bedroom, the room that was supposed to be their first child’s. When they had finally been able to conceive, Tony went a little over board. He bought bottles, diapers, and a crib, everything a newborn baby would require. It was all for not however. Two weeks later, Margaret lost the child and that was the end of their attempts.
Tony readied the child for bed as if he was an old pro. After all, he had grown up in a house with five siblings. He was the second to the oldest and he helped his mother out with rearing his younger brothers and sisters. It was that experience in life that had led him to seek out a family of his own. Margaret however, was an only child. Her mother had had a baby before her that had not lived past a few days. It was something that had been kept from her most of her childhood but as she suffered through her own troubles getting pregnant, her mother felt it time to share.
Margaret had been heartbroken to learn she had a big sister and never knew it. It was then that she realized that maybe it wasn’t entirely her fault for her difficulties getting pregnant. It could be genetics, but it didn’t stop her from hating herself anyway.
“There you are. Here,” Tony said handing the freshly bundled baby over to her, “hold her while I fix her a bottle.” Margaret froze for a moment, uncertain of what to do next.
“Uhh, hi there,” she said as she looked down at her. Her big beautiful eyes looked back at her once more, peering into to heart, attempting to thaw it.
Her mind raced with thoughts of what his life could be like with a child finally in the mix. She gently touched her cheek. The baby cooed and smiled, chipping a small piece of that wall away.
Tony had been standing in front of the two of them for sometime before his clearing his throat in an attempt to stem the tears finally got Margaret’s attention. She looked up, startled at his presence.
“I didn’t see you there.”
“I was just watching you,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.
“Does this mean you’re okay with this now?”
She hesitated. The girl was adorable for sure, but loving her was an entirely different matter. It would take time, although she could see Tony was well on his way.
“I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean you’re not sure?” Anger now replaced his teary demeanor from before. “You know what, never mind. I will take care of her.”
He snatched the baby from Margaret’s grasp and stormed off into his bedroom, careful not to slam the door quite as hard as before. He sat down on the bed to feed her, allowing his mind to wonder. How would he explain a brand new child to his family? Would they believe him if he told them the truth? What about when she got older and ready to go to school, he would have no Social Security number for her, no birth certificate, nothing. He yawned and looked at the clock. It was after midnight. These questions would have to be answered tomorrow. He let the baby girl finish eating, burped her and then the pair of them laid down for bed. In no time they were both sound asleep.
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