Don’t Read Me Unless You Pass This Quiz

There’s a great story about Larry David that his friends like to tell. Many years before he became famous for creating Curb Your Enthusiasm, he used to do standup. One day he walked out on stage, took one look at the audience, shook his head and walked off. It seems that with one look, Mr. David knew the audience was not going to appreciate his brand of standup so there was no point in even starting.

I wish as a writer I could do the same. Clearly, there are many, many readers who are not going to get my brand of writing and I wish I could take one look, shake my head and walk off, my writing clutched to my chest. In lieu of that, I wondered if a quiz would do. Something like “Don’t Read My Books Unless You Pass This Quiz”. And the quiz would go something like this.

Your idea of a good time is

a) watching Snookie get drunk

b) watching Everybody Loves Raymond

c) watching Blackadder

Jane Austen wrote

a) Fifty Shades of Grey

b) zombie stories

c) Persuasion

When someone says Jesus was a Texan and spoke English, you think

a) true

b) Jesus did speak English

c) what???!!!!

Barbara Pym is

a) George Bush’s wife

b) a cocktail

c) one of your favorite writers

You want to buy a mini croissant. It’s $1.50. You give the cashier $5. You should get back in change

a) I don’t do math

b) wait—I’ll go get my calculator

c) $3.50

When you read William Wordsworth’s

THERE was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,

The earth, and every common sight,

To me did seem

Apparelled in celestial light,

The glory and the freshness of a dream.

you

a) fall asleep

b) don’t get it

c) understand completely

The U.S. couldn’t have won the Revolutionary War without

a) tea

b) Benedict Arnold

c) the aid of the French

Which is grammatically correct? “Between you and I” or “between you and me”?

a) what—are you talking grammar or something?

b) “between you and I”

c) “between you and me”

“Show, don’t tell” is

a) don’t know what you’re talking about

b) best writing advice ever

c) writing advice like this is for amateurs

When someone tweets “You can die a quiet death when deprived of books”, you

a) reply “What?”

b) unfollow the tweeter

c) RT

If your answers were mostly “a”, do NOT buy or ever read my books.

If your answers were mostly “b”, you probably shouldn’t buy my books.

If your answers were mostly “c”, please buy my books.