Intimidation or Just Plain Insecurity?

A PSA Announcement from an Entrepreneur I Want a Happy Face

Intimidation or Just Plain Insecurity?

Yesterday, I was on Facebook and a fellow writer posted an article called “Confessions of an Intimidated Black Man” written by Jamall Calloway posted on Urban Cusps’ website.

Seeing as though I have heard men utter the “you’re intimidating” line too many times to count I read the article in hopes of some sort of understanding. It sparked some good dialogue on Facebook and I just wanted to share my take on this and ask men and women to please comment on this topic. I think healthy dialogue between the sexes helps us to understand the dynamics of our breakdown in interaction, therefore enabling us to close some of the understanding gaps amongst us.

I will say that I appreciate this dude for being bold enough to voice some sort of reason behind the intimidation for all of those men who don’t. Jamall stated that, “In all honesty, it’s not you. It’s the idea of being rejected by you. I, like most humans, am still afraid of rejection. And who isn’t? I have been rejected before and am clandestinely haunted by that feeling. So, I live guarding my self-esteem, doing whatever I can to evade that feeling.” Admittedly, no one likes rejection, however this to me is deeeply rooted in insecurities that as he stated don’t have anything to do with the woman. It’s also a fear of taking risk. Everything we do in life is a risk; you get in your car everyday risking the possibility that it will start and get you to your destination safely without a breakdown or car accident. You apply for jobs and interview risking the possibility of not being chosen. You step out of your door everyday risking the possibility of all kinds of craziness that could take place. But we do these things almost without thinking of the consequences and if by chance there is a negative outcome in any of these situations, we take it and keep it moving.

Approaching a woman should be no different. Yes, it’s a chance that you are not her “type”, she may be married or already spoken for but there is also the chance that you are just her type and she would love to get to know you better. You will never know unless you approach. Granted there are some women that turn a brotha down in a rude and embarrassing manner…all the more reason to be glad she showed her colors off the top! it’s not personal, it’s really a reflection of that woman’s insecurities when she has to make you feel bad just for approaching her. Keep it moving…

This brother goes on to say, “Try to understand that the possibility of your rejection has the power to make me feel low simply because of my distant admiration of you. When you admire something, especially from a distance, sometimes you just want to sustain that admiration without tainting it with the possibility of harsh reality. I’d much rather listen to “Just My Imagination” (1971) by the Temptations over and over again and dream about you reciprocating my attraction than to hear you say you don’t. And as you can tell, I’ve already made up in my mind that you’re going to say no, so I’ve decided to say it for you without even speaking to you. There is no need to go through this scene because I’ve played it countless times in my head. I nervously approach you – you ruthlessly reject me. Therefore, I’d rather you be a secret crush than another name added to the list of those who turned me down.”

WHAAAAAATTTTTTTTT? You mean to tell me that you would rather admire me from afar, fantasize and dream about being with me than simply come say hello? The way I see it is…if u have already cancelled out the possibility of “we” w/o a single word to me then yes, keep it moving my brother cuz the power of thought has just manifested YOUR truth. Some people are dreamers and some people are dreamwalkers…nothing comes to a dreamer but sleep. Dreamwalkers take calculated risks and go after what they want. Do they always get it-NO, but it doesn’t stop them from knocking on the next door.

His next reason was, “The second reason that I’m intimidated is because underneath my confidence, behind my good looks and next to my promising career, I’m honestly insecure. You’re a gorgeous woman who can date whomever you please. You are brilliant and beautiful. So what makes me think I have a shot? Sure, I’m handsome, but so are most of my friends. I know I’m educated, but these days – a bachelor’s degree is the new high school diploma. And yes, I have promising career, but so do you. And if I’m right about you, none of those things really impress you in the end. They matter, but they’re not all that important. So what do I have to offer you that none of these other gentleman have? Me. And sometimes, I still struggle with wondering if I am enough. “

If all of this is going through your mind and you have already deduced that I am too good for you or up on some pedestal again, without even saying a word to me then yes, I am too good for you because I need a man who is confident in who he is so he can lead our family. How else can he lead me and expect me to submit? Maybe it’s me but I KNOW I am more than enough woman to love, support and grow with the right man and if a brother can’t see that then his loss! On to the next one!

Jamall closes by basically saying that he no longer has to go after women because women approach him. Now I don’t have anything against approaching a man because I am a go-getter and if I find you attractive, I will tell you that you are gorgeous. Sometimes, because I appreciate a beautiful black man…I will tell him that and walk away not really wanting him but wanting him to know that his appearance is appreciated. Nothing more, nothing less. There have also been times when I have said that followed with a question of his relationship status because I am clearly interested.

What bothers me is this statement, “And I’m no longer used to pursuing the woman I want because most pursue me.” The saying is men enjoy the chase well, hell I enjoy the pursuit…let me know you’re interested & we can take it from there but too many women make it easy for men like him by chasing them. Why would he risk it all for the woman of his dreams when he has chickenheads giving away all that dreams are made of? Yes I said it cuz i have been on both sides of the fence. To make it clear, approaching a man and pursuing a man is totally different by definition (please look up the meaning of pursue). The point was made on Facebook that some women just want a “cut buddy”, friend with benefits or just someone to talk to and that may be true cuz we have been known as single women to need a tune up every now and then however, if that is consensual between two adults far be it from me to judge…I gotta answer for my own indulgences.

So, to conclude I ask you to expound on this topic because I, myself cannot see being intimidated by another human being. Point blank. Period. Let me ease your mind a bit brothers…I don’t care how things look from afar, NO ONE has it ALL together, we all have flaws some more than others but trust and believe that no one is perfect. I guess I can understand brothers being somewhat hesitant since some women use that sword, oops I meant tongue to cut deep but overall, I say get some cohoonas and go for yours because while you over there dreaming, fantasizing and wishing upon a star, we could have been building businesses, uplifting our community, mentoring our youth together and showing others the power of love!

Let’s dialogue and close these gaps…black love is in desperate need of restoring and despite popular belief, some women are simply waiting on that confident man who will take the lead. You show us that and we won’t hesitate to follow! It isn’t a competition between us baby, we are both in this Race of Life.

Race of Life