The Color Blue: Remembering the Death of a Child

The Color BlueToday is the 6th anniversary of the death of our daughter, Sophie.  Some 12 hours after we first met, she would succumb to an infection, dying right as we sat powerless.  In an instant, we had lost our child; we had joined so many other families worldwide who have lost children.
The day and our loss still haunt me.  I wrote about this part of my life here:
Each and detail of that day remains with: a graduate student dropping me off at the hospital; how sick my wife looked when I entered the room; the muted cries when she was born; the concerned look on our doctor’s face. More vivid and painful are the memories of me sitting on the floor when she went into cardiac arrest, the clothes I was wearing, the hospital smell, and the sounds of “code blue.”  Almost weekly, the sight of a helicopter prompts thoughts, painful memories of the 60+ mile trip I took in the dark as we searched for someone to help her.  I was so close to my dying daughter yet unable to help or hold her. 
These sights and sounds remain with me.  The fear that paralyzed me as sat in a hospital at 2 AM hoping, praying, and begging for her to get better, is still with me. Six years hasn’t quieted these visual memories, although time, family, and friends have been immensely helpful as we work to move forward with these memories.   The process of moving forward with these memories, with Sophie, was not an easy process.  I don’t even think about “healing” as it has never been about getting better but instead of taking steps forward with these memories, with our love for her, and with her being present in my life.  Therapy really helped in the process, allowing me to process my feelings about vulnerability, life and death, and a sense of powerlessness.  Writing has also been really important for me.  Her death led me to start writing spoken word pieces as a way to express my pain and sorrow.  With this in mind, I decided to share with you this piece, which entitled “The Color Blue”
The Color Blue
Blue SkiesLighting my daySandy beaches, smiling under the hot sunny, blue skies
Blue waterWhether the Pacific Ocean or a calming lakeChildhood memories of a family splashing and merely enjoying the blue water
My Blue shoesCertainly not suede, but my first pair of JordansWhite with blue trimLooking fly with my Dodgers jersey and hat, ballin in blue before I know how to ball Looking fly with my Dodgers jersey and hat, rockin in blue before I know what to do [with life]
Blueberry pancakesThe perfect remedy to a cold Sunday morningThe smell intoxicates the house; sweet and hot, comforting on even the dreariest day
I use to love blueEven the bluesBecause through other’s expressed pain I found my happiness
Not nowI am the bluesI have the bluesI am defined the blues
Because of the pain of the blues
No longer blues skies or pristine blue waters reflecting off the sun
No longer about fly blue gear or comfort food on the bluest of days
But blue as painBlue as despairBlue as the beginning of a new lifeAnd Blue as the end of several lives
Code Blue Code Blue
Blue sirens blazinAs the doctors race to save her lifeWearing their blue scrubs
Code Blue Code Blue
Blue sirens blazin“She’s not breathin,” they yellShe’s turning blue
Code Blue Code Blue
Blue sirens blazinNo longer pink and innocentHer skin turns blue with each comment without the nourishment of Oxygen
Code Blue Code Blue
Blue sirens blazinIfs that not enough, the needs and medicine leaves bruisesDark blue, the color of those once comforting blueberries
A deathly blue
Code BlueCode Blue
For her or meBecause my blues define meAre meYet unlike my Sophie’s blue, my blues won’t kill me
***  David J. Leonard is Associate Professor in the Department of Critical Culture, Gender and Race Studies at Washington State University, Pullman. He is the author of the just released After Artest: Race and the War on Hoop (SUNY Press) as well as several other works. Leonard is a regular contributor to NewBlackMan, layupline, Feminist Wire, and Urban Cusp. He is frequent contributor to Ebony, Slam, and Racialicious as well as a past contributor to Loop21, The Nation and The Starting Five. He blogs @No Tsuris.

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