DAY 13 of WITWCICSD?
WARNING: somebody is "feeling" stuff. it gets a little bitchy.
similar post as yesterday. i'll still highlight the streaks, but keep the allover color for last.
HIGHLIGHTS
1. woke up. stretched. put my feet on the floor. looked down onto the sheet where my back had been laying all night and noticed some.....crud. teeny tiny pieces of black and brown bits spread around where my back was. upon further inspection, i saw a leg.....and another.....and another. that's right, i rolled over onto a spider in my sleep and killed it and smushed it to pieces.
i did not vomit or run out of the room screaming. i poured some beer out on the ground for it first, THEN i vomited and ran out of the room screaming.
2. i was the first one up so i got the coffee started. grabbed my lappy toppy and headed outside to the quiet patio. this is one of my favorite things in the world to do: sit outside first thing in the morning, rain or shine (about 68 degrees, bakersfield people) and write. especially when the entire house is still sleeping. i sat out there for a half hour before Anita came out. i had some coffee, a cigarette, some peace and quiet, some creativity, some fresh air. this is what i want to do everyday for the rest of my life. i hope i get it.
3. Anita made pancakes. in true Jess and Chelsea form, we had peanut butter on them. plus fresh peaches and homemade appasauce. more conversation, this time about scary movies. Psycho, the Grudge, Paranormal Activity, and Alien were mentioned and rated. not to mention explanations and deconstructions.
4. we all got ready and headed out to Anita's old house up on the hill that she and her ex-husband built years ago. she sold it several years ago and it's back up on the market. she's a real estate agent and she's the one marketing it. Jess took some pics of it for the website and we got a tour of this super awesome house with an amazing view of the marina. we could all only be so lucky to have a house with a view like that just once in our lifetime.
pictures do it zero justice.5. went back to the house and started to schedule....CANADA! it's happening tomorrow. organized some luggage, booked the ferry and hotel, getting nervous. don't ask me why.
i'm telling you i hear "Sweet Haven, God must love us" in my head.6. J&J and I went to Jess' ex-stepmother's father's house for a small family gathering, she's still quite close to that side of the family. on the way, we stopped off at Martha's Beach. i regret to inform you that i took NO pictures of this place. but jessi did and they are beautiful. she did more pics for my cover idea. me meditating on a big log in the middle of the water with the sun setting in front of me. it's just beautiful.
Jess doing what she loves.7. back to the house for more big talks. Josh went to bed early since he and Jess are leaving around 6 in the morning. but us girls stayed up and had some conversation. lots of heartbreak, lots of tears, lots of trust. i will only divulge my info. there are no secrets, but there are things that aren't mine to tell.
"there's a 20 cent getting off the boat tax"
NOW FOR THE COLOR
Rainbow Bridge has taken me to the other side of this breakup.seriously, i don't know what it is about this place but i am feeling so many emotions. it feels like it's all the honesty discussed here. i mean, these are big talks we're having here, people. mine consist of a breakup that i haven't yet fully healed from. the rest of the talks are shit that are so personal i can't go into. and it's wonderful.
i am feeling so much heartbreak right now that i had an anxiety attack about it today. for those of you that suffer daily from anxiety, feel free to slap me. i'm sure i sound pathetic when i complain about the breakup. i keep hearing in my head "it's just a breakup, chelsea. get over it already." but i ain't over it yet and i ain't good at pretending like i am. so this anxiety attack hits me and i can't hold still, i start freaking out, i had to freak out to jessi, take a xanax and go meditate. for ME, that's a lot of anxiety. i almost felt sick, like i might be dying. it felt like i should go to the doctor to find out that this yucky feeling i'm having is actually a sort of flesh eating bacteria that works its way from the heart out.
to my family, you may want to skip this paragraph, but you know me, i'm honest:
i hate that i have major rejection issues, i hate that i can't stop thinking about sex but i really don't ever want to trust another man again enough to be with him. i hate that i honestly and genuinely feel that i never have to love again because one way or another, they WILL NOT WANT ME and it won't be worth it. i am a substitute, a seat warmer, a space filler. i am an obligation, i am practice. and i really am not worth it. i help to kill the time. and i'm not really good at being a partner, lover, friend, companion, wife, whatever it is. but hey, nobody wants to be alone, right? so i'll do for now.
(for those that don't know me well might think i'm a stalker or crazy. i'm not. i'm well aware that this is just part of what i have to go through. feeling all that makes me sad, which makes me happy. why would i be sad about not wanting to be in love again if it didn't matter to me? so really, i'm just a big softy)
the past two months or so have been great. little spots here and there, but i'm good. now all this sadness and anger are coming up like food poisoning again. i feel that if i don't open my mouth and let it out, i'll die. so here i am, emotionally vomiting all over Jess and Anita, hoping that when i wake up in the morning, i'll feel better. but sometimes it's not food poisoning, it's a stomach flu and it lasts for days.
i'm fucking dehydrated already. it's time to go get some medicine. i have to check myself in and wait to hear my name called.
Canada, here i come, ALL BY MY GODDAM SELF.
swimming to the surface, trying not to drown.
similar post as yesterday. i'll still highlight the streaks, but keep the allover color for last.
HIGHLIGHTS
1. woke up. stretched. put my feet on the floor. looked down onto the sheet where my back had been laying all night and noticed some.....crud. teeny tiny pieces of black and brown bits spread around where my back was. upon further inspection, i saw a leg.....and another.....and another. that's right, i rolled over onto a spider in my sleep and killed it and smushed it to pieces.
i did not vomit or run out of the room screaming. i poured some beer out on the ground for it first, THEN i vomited and ran out of the room screaming.
2. i was the first one up so i got the coffee started. grabbed my lappy toppy and headed outside to the quiet patio. this is one of my favorite things in the world to do: sit outside first thing in the morning, rain or shine (about 68 degrees, bakersfield people) and write. especially when the entire house is still sleeping. i sat out there for a half hour before Anita came out. i had some coffee, a cigarette, some peace and quiet, some creativity, some fresh air. this is what i want to do everyday for the rest of my life. i hope i get it.
3. Anita made pancakes. in true Jess and Chelsea form, we had peanut butter on them. plus fresh peaches and homemade appasauce. more conversation, this time about scary movies. Psycho, the Grudge, Paranormal Activity, and Alien were mentioned and rated. not to mention explanations and deconstructions.
4. we all got ready and headed out to Anita's old house up on the hill that she and her ex-husband built years ago. she sold it several years ago and it's back up on the market. she's a real estate agent and she's the one marketing it. Jess took some pics of it for the website and we got a tour of this super awesome house with an amazing view of the marina. we could all only be so lucky to have a house with a view like that just once in our lifetime.
pictures do it zero justice.5. went back to the house and started to schedule....CANADA! it's happening tomorrow. organized some luggage, booked the ferry and hotel, getting nervous. don't ask me why. 
i'm telling you i hear "Sweet Haven, God must love us" in my head.6. J&J and I went to Jess' ex-stepmother's father's house for a small family gathering, she's still quite close to that side of the family. on the way, we stopped off at Martha's Beach. i regret to inform you that i took NO pictures of this place. but jessi did and they are beautiful. she did more pics for my cover idea. me meditating on a big log in the middle of the water with the sun setting in front of me. it's just beautiful.
Jess doing what she loves.7. back to the house for more big talks. Josh went to bed early since he and Jess are leaving around 6 in the morning. but us girls stayed up and had some conversation. lots of heartbreak, lots of tears, lots of trust. i will only divulge my info. there are no secrets, but there are things that aren't mine to tell.
"there's a 20 cent getting off the boat tax"NOW FOR THE COLOR
Rainbow Bridge has taken me to the other side of this breakup.seriously, i don't know what it is about this place but i am feeling so many emotions. it feels like it's all the honesty discussed here. i mean, these are big talks we're having here, people. mine consist of a breakup that i haven't yet fully healed from. the rest of the talks are shit that are so personal i can't go into. and it's wonderful.i am feeling so much heartbreak right now that i had an anxiety attack about it today. for those of you that suffer daily from anxiety, feel free to slap me. i'm sure i sound pathetic when i complain about the breakup. i keep hearing in my head "it's just a breakup, chelsea. get over it already." but i ain't over it yet and i ain't good at pretending like i am. so this anxiety attack hits me and i can't hold still, i start freaking out, i had to freak out to jessi, take a xanax and go meditate. for ME, that's a lot of anxiety. i almost felt sick, like i might be dying. it felt like i should go to the doctor to find out that this yucky feeling i'm having is actually a sort of flesh eating bacteria that works its way from the heart out.
to my family, you may want to skip this paragraph, but you know me, i'm honest:
i hate that i have major rejection issues, i hate that i can't stop thinking about sex but i really don't ever want to trust another man again enough to be with him. i hate that i honestly and genuinely feel that i never have to love again because one way or another, they WILL NOT WANT ME and it won't be worth it. i am a substitute, a seat warmer, a space filler. i am an obligation, i am practice. and i really am not worth it. i help to kill the time. and i'm not really good at being a partner, lover, friend, companion, wife, whatever it is. but hey, nobody wants to be alone, right? so i'll do for now.
(for those that don't know me well might think i'm a stalker or crazy. i'm not. i'm well aware that this is just part of what i have to go through. feeling all that makes me sad, which makes me happy. why would i be sad about not wanting to be in love again if it didn't matter to me? so really, i'm just a big softy)
the past two months or so have been great. little spots here and there, but i'm good. now all this sadness and anger are coming up like food poisoning again. i feel that if i don't open my mouth and let it out, i'll die. so here i am, emotionally vomiting all over Jess and Anita, hoping that when i wake up in the morning, i'll feel better. but sometimes it's not food poisoning, it's a stomach flu and it lasts for days.
i'm fucking dehydrated already. it's time to go get some medicine. i have to check myself in and wait to hear my name called.
Canada, here i come, ALL BY MY GODDAM SELF.
swimming to the surface, trying not to drown.
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