349: Change can be good or bad for the soul

So I’m at the point in my blogging life where it’s getting hard to blog every day. Topics elude me, or I just don’t feel like it. But I think this is the point when I need to force myself into it.

I have what’s referred to as the New Shiny Syndrome. As in, I will go all out on a new story, new project, whatever, for a few weeks until I suddenly putter out.

I do this with all aspects of my life. Not just writing. So now I’m trying to figure out how to fix it, because that’s what this year is all about. Fixing the shit that is wrong with me.

But then I came up with a really great topic. Change. It’s at the core of what I’m trying to do here. Part of what I blog is to figure out where my thought process has gone wrong and to change that behavior. Because if I don’t figure out what’s wrong, i can’t fix it. Many of my failures came from my way of thinking and my refusal to see what was wrong. Marriage is forever, no matter what. As long as no one beats the kids. But so what if he beats you or abuses drugs. So what if he tells you that you’re fat because you’re lazy and dumb.

My decisions about my morality were skewed, hopelessly skewed in the wrong direction. And it screwed with my head. It’s that thinking that I’m trying to change.

I’ve concentrated on what I’ve been doing wrong but I haven’t really considered what I’ve done write. I think that’s true of anyone. The other day, at my last hair appointment, I went to a local beauty school, because they’re cheaper.The one question they’re required to ask that always renders me speechless is “What do you like about your hair?” It’s not that there isn’t soemthign that I like about my hair. There’s lots of things. But when someone asks me, I always draw a blank. I find myself thinking about all the things that I don’t like instead.

We don’t think about the things that we like about ourselves. My current theory is the whole “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” The things that work, well, we don’t have to think about them because they work, and therefore, don’t require change. But the thing that that particular saying doesn’t take into account is that even the best engine parts need maintenance, so you can’t ignore the things that run right.

But human beings aren’t engines, and therefore we can’t treat ourselves as such. We have flaws, and that’s what makes humankind beautiful. I love people for their flaws as much as I love them for their  good qualities. This is where it’s important to accept WHO YOU ARE and let yourself be that person. I saw a video with Nora Roberts and her happily ever after life. I wanted that. Then I realized that it’s because she was true to who she was that she achieved that level of success.

My path won’t be exactly like hers, but I’m also not writing books in the 1980s. She did. She achieved her success when I was still getting potty trained. Thirty years later, she’s grossing $60 million a year. I could say that’s where I want to be, but it wouldn’t be true to who I am. All I can be is me. And I’m not Nora Roberts.

So here’s where I accept certain things about myself:

I have an exceptional temper that is usually followed by a lot of profanity. I could rein it in, but would I be true to myself then? I don’t think so.

I am tactlessly honest. I often wonder if I could be more diplomatic, but that always ends up in feeling false.

I am passionate and emotional. I cry when I’m pissed off, which only makes me MORE pissed off, which sets off a whole new set of waterworks that enrages me more. Vicious cycle, that.

These are things that I am, and that aren’t going to change. Things that I’m not, I will no longer try to be. I will be me and no one else.