Day 6: 3:30 p.m.

I drove right past the store.

They call it "whole paycheck" sometimes but it's not.  It's Wholefoods. Home to organic fruit, humane eggs, bulk in bins.  Flour, dates, rice, nuts.  

The traffic both ways?  Light.

Parking?  Available.

The sun?  Out.

The sky? Clear.  

I was simply unprepared.

I just left the gym and my bag was stuffed with student papers I had read while I clocked time on the StairMaster.  Here, that would be a great idea.  "Mr. Homeless man, would you like some corrected student papers?  Want to add your two cents?"

Heck, I didn't have my phone.

And, I had no money (it was in the pocket of my jeans, at home).

Three homeless people sat in front of the door.  Hands out.  Signs too.  These people in need were camped out with chairs and sleeping bags and their carts parked behind them, overflowing with the things they needed throughout the day.

WF customers went in the door, came out, walked past.  As I made my right turn, about to stop for an apple, I couldn't-park-my-car.

I drove right past.

I told myself, "you're a coward."

And it is true.  I'm a coward who just went back on her deal after what?  Five days?  

Truth?

I was also deep inside myself.  I was so caught in a story inside my own head--a mess with my former spouse--a revelation that finally made all the years of our unhappy marriage make more sense.

I was just caught in the riptide of thoughts, processing so deep, I didn't think to bring my wallet and my phone and my new deal to face my fear.

In a really strange way, one of my biggest fears (the marriage's end was all my fault) had been put to rest by the "former," or as I like to call him, "the father of my kids."

He just up and called, after eight years of being divorced, and said he was sorry and, "it wasn't your fault, Jen.  I let you down."

Okay, no this isn't verbatium but it is damn close.  Accountability.  The man took his share of the burden off my back.  For twenty five years I've been carrying our load and thinking, in my darkest most secret place, my marriage failed because of me.  Because I'm so fricken screwed up.  Because my parents died and I hear voices in the night and I'm scared of so many thing.  LIke being homeless.

Note to self:  BE READY ALL THE TIME!