How A Perfectionist Learned to Bare Her Warts | Jody Hedlund

I was born a perfectionist.

But strangely my perfectionism doesn’t carry over into every area of my life. If you checked the floor of my van you could probably have a feast if you collected all the spilled food and crumbs. I don’t get bothered too easily by weeds in the mulch, or dust on the blinds, or cats eating on my counters.

However, I am a perfectionist in many other ways—especially relationally, spiritually, and within my work. I expect a lot of myself in those areas.

In some ways those expectations are good. The perfectionism pushes me to strive harder and reach higher. Without sufficient standards, we often sink to the lowest common denominator. I’ve come to accept that perfectionism isn’t a dirty word. It’s the way I’m wired, and I wouldn’t change that trait even if I could.

At the same time, however, perfectionism can become a ball and chain around our legs that drags us down, until we can hardly move forward. We can let the pressures, the fear of failure, or even falling short of goals paralyze us. Or we can let the striving after perfection zap us of our joy and distract us from the things in life that are most important.

How do we strive to do our best, but at the same time keep perfectionism from taking over? Here are several lessons I’ve learned over the years while wrangling with my own perfectionism—trying to keep it alive and healthy, but not out-of-control.

1. Relationally: My family doesn’t expect a perfect wife or mom.

Early in my marriage and in my parenting, I put high expectations on myself for being the perfect wife and mother. I devoured all of the latest how-to books and strove to implement everything I was learning. While there’s nothing wrong with reading parenting or marriage books (they can actually be quite helpful), I had set the bar too high. When problems occurred (and they inevitably do!), I became frustrated with myself and those around me.

Over time, I’ve learned that it’s okay if my kids misbehave in public or if my husband and I don’t agree on everything. When I expect too much of them, I set them up for failure and frustration. Yes, I can challenge my family to grow and to do great things, but I can take the pressure off all of us of having to live up to unrealistic ideals.

2. Spiritually: God doesn’t demand perfection, but rather commands affection.

I grew up a PK (Pastor’s Kid). For a long time I struggled with the need to be a perfect PK’s daughter. I wanted to do everything right. But the problem was, I couldn’t. I fell short, just like we all do. But because I’d set such high standards for myself, I felt like a failure, and for a time gave up trying altogether.

Eventually I came to the realization that God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. In fact, he doesn’t look at our outward qualifications as much as he looks at our hearts. Ultimately he’d much rather have our love than our striving.

3. In Work: Do the best I can but then let it go.

In my housework, home-teaching, and in my writing, there are times when I have the tendency to put too much pressure on myself or try to do too much. While I can occasionally multi-task (i.e. fold laundry, give a spelling list, and answer emails—all at the same time), I’ve found that maintaining that momentum is very difficult and it only leads to exhaustion, irritability, and defeat.

I’ve learned (and am still learning!) that I can’t labor over any one thing too long. For example, if I write a blog post, I can’t spend hours over it. I need to write it up, edit it, and then let it go without analyzing every sentence. When I respond to an email or write an interview, it’s okay if I have a spelling mistake or a missed word.

My Summary: Nobody else is perfect—they make spelling mistakes and their kids have meltdowns at the grocery store too. So why do I expect perfection of myself?

For me, it has a lot to do with PRIDE. I want to be successful. I want others to admire and respect me. I want to look good.

My solution is to cultivate HUMILITY. While, perfectionism isn’t a dirty word, I also need to be able to bare my warts. People want to see the real me. They want to know that they’re not the only ones who struggle, that others experience the same frustrations they do.

How about you? In what areas do you struggle with perfectionism? Is it hard for you to bare your warts?

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Jody Hedlund is an award-winning historical romance novelist and author of the best-selling book, The Preacher’s Bride. She received a bachelor’s degree from Taylor University and a master’s from the University of Wisconsin, both in Social Work. Currently she makes her home in Michigan with her husband and five busy children. Publishers Weekly called her newest book Unending Devotion, “a meaty tale of life amid the debauchery of the lumber camps of 1880s Michigan . . . exciting and unpredictable to the very end.”

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