353: Reaching the breaking point

I know I talked about being cranky recently, but it really surprises me by how quick I am to anger. Perhaps it stems from so many years of pasting a fake smile on my face. Maybe it’s so many years of pretending, expecting things to bend to my will, and when it didn’t, I’d explode. Except that I’ve been trained not to explode. I pasted that fake smile of mine on my face, deny the anger its day, and behave as if I wasn’t as angry as I was. Maybe I didn’t feel like I should be angry. I don’t know.

Since starting this series of posts on my blog, I’ve noticed a difference in myself. The anger isn’t as potent. I’m feeling better. It hasn’t died off completely, of course. That doesn’t happen in two weeks. Part of this is that I’m not denying that I’m angry anymore. I’m not hating myself for being cranky and irritated. I’m accepting that this is part of who I am right now, and while it might not always be that way, that’s what it is now.

My temper is one of my less attractive qualities, for me and for everyone around me. Because once it takes hold, it doesn’t go away easily. It sticks like a burr in my side, digging into my hip until I can’t stand it anymore. I’d really like to find a way to handle that anger a little better.

I feel like there should be a better way to handle these things. To work with it rather than rail against it. Anger benefits no one. So far, what I’ve done is pretend that the anger isn’t as high volume as it was. That’s not effective. Venting privately does nothing for me. Accepting it eats me alive. I wonder… will I always be an angry person? Is that just how it’s going to be?

Or will I someday soon be able to control it? I have to wonder. No one can withstand the constant barrage of anger like this.

We all have our breaking point. I think I’ve reached mine.