354: There’s Nothing Wrong With Me

At least, I’m relatively sure of that. Remember that first post or so when I said that I was broken? Today I’m having a sort of “Duh” moment, because of this comment that stuck with me:

Gloria Weber September 8, 2012 at 6:52 am #

Regarding #5, I think we all are. I am. I know it. But I embrace it and use the powers for the good of the world/me. Kind of like a radioactive spider bite or something.

Now I made the joke of saying we’re all Spiderman or something like that. I didn’t think about this comment that much that day, but it has stayed in my head since then, percolating. I really didn’t realize how deeply I believed that there was something wrong with me inside. That’s why that comment stuck with me. In my own head, I’m the ultimate failure of a human being. Or that’s how I believed until this moment.

We are all broken.

There’s nothing wrong with me.

I don’t think that I’m perfect. I’m not better or worse than anyone else, and that’s the thing I have to learn. I’m not any worse than anyone else.

I hold myself up to this amazingly high standard, because that’s what I know how to do. My parents don’t want to do anything other than support me. And they do. But that doesn’t stop the little comments that they may not realize are detrimental to me. In my head, I’m a lousy, good for nothing, unemployed daughter who got married too quickly and didn’t use protection. I KNOW that’s not who I am, and it’s not what my parents think, but it sticks there.

There’s nothing wrong with me.

I’ve never said this sentence out loud. I don’t know that I have the guts to do it.

In my last post, I talked about disappointing people. Disappointing myself. What I didn’t realize is that I was in the process of realizing that #5 on that first post wasn’t a bad thing. I also was realizing then that I was raised by people who benefited from the problem being me and not them. While I love my parents, I always feel like I need to jump when they say and when something is wrong, it’s my fault. Because I’m the failure.

I can’t tell you how many people struggle with knowing that there’s nothing wrong with them. I struggle with it all the time. It’s buried so deeply into my psyche, I’m having to brainwash myself to let go of the thought that I’m broken and there is something wrong with me. Because there isn’t.

Phew. Big revelation for me today. Was it good for you?