Almost a Monster: Introduction
At times in my life I have carried so much anger, vengefulness, sadness, and even felt as if I was a victim. While other times I felt I was the blame for the abuse I had endured throughout my life.
Growing up I was an abused child. I was mentally and physically abused. Often I have heard in our society that people with emotional problems are referred to as “emotional baggage,” so I have learned early in my life to keep my past a secret.
Throughout my young childhood, I felt like I had very few safe havens. With the abuse I endured at home along with the bullying that tormented me at school caused a sense of helplessness, while other times I felt like I could explode. Being made fun of for stuttering or having other kids call me stupid had not only shattered my confidence but had also broken my heart. Trying to piece my heart together, but not finding the time to heal had only set in rage. I found myself with a very quick temper and readily to defend myself.
I do not like being this way, I find it very hard to trust people or allow them to get close to me. There is no reward to for this kind of life. You will only find loneliness and more heartache.
Going through life I have felt like I was just like everyone else and many times I did not realize why I had problems in school, work, and in my personal life. To me life is full of cruel people who just want to cause harm to others. I would rationalize in my own problems or project the blame on others. I have had so many people try to get close to me and either I always pushed them away or never opened up to them. I never had the money for counseling or did had the desire to seek counseling. I have gone through my life taking care of other people while taking very little care of myself. I believe I had a fear of being alone so I would sacrifice myself to make others happy. It took me a longtime to realize I had several problems. I realized that my anger or not trusting in others were just layers of protection. I have often heard to get to know a person you have to peel back the layers like an onion. I find this statement so true now because I have enveloped myself in these layers to the point I do not know who I am anymore.
I find this disappointing because I find so many people like me with layers around them. So how can you say you are truly being yourself if you do not allow people to get close to you or allow yourself to get close to them? Some people like to project an image of being tough or fearless. I find this very sad because a person’s true beauty can never shine with these layers of protection around them. No matter how much you try to hide your problems or bury the pain, when the heart is full of anger emotions seem to seep out such as anger and fear. My problem seems to escape me with a quick temper or even the desire to seek out revenge.
Even though I rarely sought revenge, the desire was always with me. This kept my heart filled with so much anger that the fire never seemed to go out. Some people’s hurt and pain seems to pour out in different ways for emotional support or by playing the victim role. While others confidence has been so shattered they develop dependency disorder and others become reclusive. There is also people who have such a fear that they will hide from the ones that have hurt them.
I find myself wondering how I became this way and who I am. You seem to lose your identity when you go through life worrying about people hurting you or trying to take advantage of you. So I took time to meditate and reflect on my past. To find out where I stand in my life I first must find out where I came from. I must reflect on the pain and the problems I endured in the past. At the same time I must try to learn to understand who I am today and how I can change.
I find myself with many layers and the only way to start pealing these layers is to understand how I wrapped myself within them. The layers that people wrap themselves in are created from fear of being hurt. Some people put layers around themselves from physical hurt such as a person with the fear of heights. Maybe when they were a baby they fell from a bed or a couch or just simply fell down. Or people with claustrophobia may have developed it from being trapped or simply as a child, they might have locked themselves in a closet or a tight area. A more serious cause would have been, a person that was physically restrained or held against their will. There are also physical layers from those who have been physically abused. You may find yourself being afraid of being hit or somebody trying to hurt you. It is not a comfortable to live life in fear.
There are also psychological layers that people wrap themselves within, the fear of rejection or not being loved and the fear of not trusting in others because of people that have lied or betrayed them. This can cause devastating effects because it can make a person afraid to love or fear someone loving them back.
There are other layers people use due to the fact they are made fun of for being overweight, too skinny, or the feeling of being unattractive. They will use baggy clothes to hide their insecurities. The insecurity of being overweight could cause extreme results such as anorexia or bulimia which is extremely dangerous. When a person is made fun of for their appearance or the clothes they wear it has devastating effects on their confidence.
I find myself with many layers and the only way to start pealing these layers is to understand how I wrapped myself within them. I find myself with both sets of layers, physical and mental. The only way for me to dig and peel back these layers is to start from my childhood. I have such a desire to be free from these layers that constrain me. I have to find understanding and then challenge my fears to be able to break from these layers. I have such a strong desire for freedom and to live a life without my haunting memories. I also want to resolve my anger as well as extinguish the fire that burns within me. I have to silence the monster and take the journey through my past to find the person I lost so many years ago, myself.
Growing up I was an abused child. I was mentally and physically abused. Often I have heard in our society that people with emotional problems are referred to as “emotional baggage,” so I have learned early in my life to keep my past a secret.
Throughout my young childhood, I felt like I had very few safe havens. With the abuse I endured at home along with the bullying that tormented me at school caused a sense of helplessness, while other times I felt like I could explode. Being made fun of for stuttering or having other kids call me stupid had not only shattered my confidence but had also broken my heart. Trying to piece my heart together, but not finding the time to heal had only set in rage. I found myself with a very quick temper and readily to defend myself.
I do not like being this way, I find it very hard to trust people or allow them to get close to me. There is no reward to for this kind of life. You will only find loneliness and more heartache.
Going through life I have felt like I was just like everyone else and many times I did not realize why I had problems in school, work, and in my personal life. To me life is full of cruel people who just want to cause harm to others. I would rationalize in my own problems or project the blame on others. I have had so many people try to get close to me and either I always pushed them away or never opened up to them. I never had the money for counseling or did had the desire to seek counseling. I have gone through my life taking care of other people while taking very little care of myself. I believe I had a fear of being alone so I would sacrifice myself to make others happy. It took me a longtime to realize I had several problems. I realized that my anger or not trusting in others were just layers of protection. I have often heard to get to know a person you have to peel back the layers like an onion. I find this statement so true now because I have enveloped myself in these layers to the point I do not know who I am anymore.
I find this disappointing because I find so many people like me with layers around them. So how can you say you are truly being yourself if you do not allow people to get close to you or allow yourself to get close to them? Some people like to project an image of being tough or fearless. I find this very sad because a person’s true beauty can never shine with these layers of protection around them. No matter how much you try to hide your problems or bury the pain, when the heart is full of anger emotions seem to seep out such as anger and fear. My problem seems to escape me with a quick temper or even the desire to seek out revenge.
Even though I rarely sought revenge, the desire was always with me. This kept my heart filled with so much anger that the fire never seemed to go out. Some people’s hurt and pain seems to pour out in different ways for emotional support or by playing the victim role. While others confidence has been so shattered they develop dependency disorder and others become reclusive. There is also people who have such a fear that they will hide from the ones that have hurt them.
I find myself wondering how I became this way and who I am. You seem to lose your identity when you go through life worrying about people hurting you or trying to take advantage of you. So I took time to meditate and reflect on my past. To find out where I stand in my life I first must find out where I came from. I must reflect on the pain and the problems I endured in the past. At the same time I must try to learn to understand who I am today and how I can change.
I find myself with many layers and the only way to start pealing these layers is to understand how I wrapped myself within them. The layers that people wrap themselves in are created from fear of being hurt. Some people put layers around themselves from physical hurt such as a person with the fear of heights. Maybe when they were a baby they fell from a bed or a couch or just simply fell down. Or people with claustrophobia may have developed it from being trapped or simply as a child, they might have locked themselves in a closet or a tight area. A more serious cause would have been, a person that was physically restrained or held against their will. There are also physical layers from those who have been physically abused. You may find yourself being afraid of being hit or somebody trying to hurt you. It is not a comfortable to live life in fear.
There are also psychological layers that people wrap themselves within, the fear of rejection or not being loved and the fear of not trusting in others because of people that have lied or betrayed them. This can cause devastating effects because it can make a person afraid to love or fear someone loving them back.
There are other layers people use due to the fact they are made fun of for being overweight, too skinny, or the feeling of being unattractive. They will use baggy clothes to hide their insecurities. The insecurity of being overweight could cause extreme results such as anorexia or bulimia which is extremely dangerous. When a person is made fun of for their appearance or the clothes they wear it has devastating effects on their confidence.
I find myself with many layers and the only way to start pealing these layers is to understand how I wrapped myself within them. I find myself with both sets of layers, physical and mental. The only way for me to dig and peel back these layers is to start from my childhood. I have such a desire to be free from these layers that constrain me. I have to find understanding and then challenge my fears to be able to break from these layers. I have such a strong desire for freedom and to live a life without my haunting memories. I also want to resolve my anger as well as extinguish the fire that burns within me. I have to silence the monster and take the journey through my past to find the person I lost so many years ago, myself.
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