hanging up

I’m not yet fearless.

As a writer, I’ve failed this task. Fearlessness is something I’ve yet to tackle. This is, indubitably, my block when it comes to blogging, engaging in social networks and, I imagine, my writing. The echoes in my head vary little from Shawnee’s. Whenever I get an idea for a blog, a controversial story/essay/poem, the echoes have at it…

No one cares what you have to say.

You’ll offend someone.

They’ll hate you.

Nothing you do is good enough.

Unfortunately, we can’t offer you representation.

We loved it but…

Rejected.

Unworthy.

You belong under a rock.

You’re too fat to write. (what the hell??)

You’ll never be as good as…

You can’t compare to…

All those positive reviews mean nothing. They’re all lying.

And the list goes on. When writing genre fiction, I’m able to write around the echoes. In a way, my genre is my shelter and shield. When it comes to being me, Max (essentially), it’s hard to let myself out into the public domain. For a few reasons…

The worst: Some people who read my blog, books, or social networking posts know the person behind the pen name. They’ve brought topics of my writing/posting to the work place, school, parties, and other life events, which in essence, doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that I use a pseudonym for a reason and, as such, my pseudonym has a job to do. I’m an author, a writer, a mildly public figure. It is not your job to come to my place of work, school, life, and say “you can’t say stuff like that!” or “be careful what you say about…!” You know what I have to say back to that? I sure as hell can. Just because you have the privilege of knowing my pseudonym does not give you the right to dictate my actions outside of the forum in which we share functioning. You, my friend, ex-friend, coworker, family member et. al., have earned yourself a block or ban from my pages. Sadly, this is only a temporary fix. I, unfortunately, can’t ban you from my life. However, you’ve lost the privilege of being a part of my success and my failures.

This is just one contributing factor to my silence. I’ve allowed other people to silence me. And to my own detriment. It effects my promotion, marketing, spreading the word about my work, and connecting with the greater writing community. I’ve grown tired of the silence. I’m tired of others providing fuel for my echoes. I can’t let this happen anymore. I’m not sure how to stop this from effecting my voice and limiting my written freedom. I don’t know what potion will banish the anguish, but I’m willing to find out…