A Question from God

It was Winter 2010. I was desperate for an answer. What was I doing here? What was my purpose? Why was I living?

I was tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of searching with blind eyes.

I walked into the prayer room at the Table Rock Freedom Center. I sat in the chair and wrestled with God. I was angry, sad, confused. My heart was breaking and I didn’t know why. My pen hit the paper and I couldn’t stop writing. As the ink hit the pages, the notebook was mostly filled with questions ending in why.

Nobody understood me. I didn’t understand me. Friends and family didn’t understand.

If they didn’t understand, how could God?

I spread out on the floor, my arms wide open and began to cry. Then I cried some more. Tears trickled down my cheeks onto the carpet as my heart ached for an answer. I so desperately wanted an answer.

Then I asked two questions:

God, what do you want from me? Why am I here?

I lie in silence with the box of Kleenex on one side and curled up balls of tissue on the other.

Then I heard this question as plain as day:

Sundi Jo, when are you going to let me love you?

That question hit me like a ton of bricks. My life was spent seeking love from others, never believing I deserved it. For every heart break that came, the walls around my heart thickened.

If I had convinced myself that others were unable to love me, how could I believe God wanted to love me? 

My heart broke. I was refusing God’s love. The very one whom created me was trying to wrap His arms around me and my broken heart, and I was pushing Him away.

I sat up, dried my tears, and became determined to let Him love me. I gathered my tissues, walked out of that prayer room and smiled as I knew things would never be the same.

That day pushed my story forward.

What event in your life pushed your story forward? Share in the comments below…