Al the Things I Didn't do.

You know how it is. You have an event that's coming up, maybe someone's leaving for a vacation and you'll be alone or maybe you know that you'll be seeing people you haven't seen for ages so you decide that you'll do all manner of things that will magically transform you into a better version of yourself.

In my case, this past July, I decided, when Girlfriend and HWWV boarded a plane for Southeast Asia, that I would, while I was all alone:

Clean out my closet
Write three chapters
Work out like nobody's business
Clean out my closet
Eat only organic
Possibly get some sort of plastic surgery that no one would notice except they'd think I was somehow looking very rested
Clean out my closet

I did nothing of the sort.

This is how the summer has been for me. I am disappointed. I was home alone for two weeks and did nothing but cry--for two days, but who is counting?--and then the rest of it, after they came home, I stared at my computer plotting how I'd transform myself into a new version of me while yelling downstairs at Girlfriend to turn the channel already and that Spongebob Squarepants is a bad influence.

BTW: Girlfriend starts a new school tomorrow. She has a best friend who has followed her there. Somehow, I wish that she were facing the new school alone. I attended many schools over the course of my education and even though I didn't like it at the time, looking back, it was a good thing. I mean, how else would I feel comfortable telling all of you and every random checker at the Albertson's Grocery that I had an iffy summer and that I am the only one on the block who can do a Fireman's Jump?*

*Not that I would expect you to know what a Fireman's Jump is. In true Bernard Fashion, long ago my brother and I decided that the Fireman's Jump is an unattainable feat for mere mortals, i.e., everyone but us. It has to do with running really fast toward the pool and jumping in but managing to keep your shoulders and head above water as you land. There are only three people who can do it that I have found: Me, my brother Marc, and Girlfriend. So, maybe this summer wasn't so bad after all.