How the British Aristocracy is Making Ends Meet

Open House

Spare a thought for the British aristocracy. Some of them have fallen on really hard times, and are being forced to open their doors to the likes of us. They don’t want to, because the likes of us gawping at their treasures goes quite beyond the pale. But needs must and it is their only way of making ends meet. Do I hear sighs of sympathy. I don’t think I do.

If you heard about a working class family being threatened with eviction, would you afford yourself a smug chuckle? What about a middle class family being forced into hard times and having to accept council accommodation as a straight swap for their mock Tudor dwelling in the suburbs. A bout of raucous laughter? Not really. Not many people would find humour in either of these misfortunes.

My brand new novel, Open House, sees the funny side in a family being threatened with re-possession. But not a working class family. Not a middle class family. Oh, no, that would never do. Oh no, nobody would laugh at that. But a castle, owned by the aristocracy, and forced to lower its drawbridge to the great unwashed? Well that’s a totally different kettle of fish.

So why, I wonder, is it acceptable to laugh at the misfortunes of the British aristocracy?

Well, maybe their share of the country’s land is still a trigger for the peasants’ resentment. More than a third of Britain’s land is still in the hands of a tiny group of aristocrats. 0.6 per cent of the population own 50 per cent of all rural land. Not for nothing have they always been referred to as the landed gentry.

Or maybe it’s because of the disdain shown by many aristocrats to the rest of us.

Here are a few aristocratic quotes culled from  Sky Atlantic’s recent documentary on how the British aristocracy is making ends meet.

“It’s much easier to marry into your own bracket.”

“I consider myself in a certain gentrified bracket and I’m happy with that.”

“I’m trotted out like the prize bull at the Highland Show to deal with people like you.”

And my favourite, when asked how he’d feel if he had to move into a small terraced house, one aristocrat instinctively admitted that he’d probably top himself.

There does still seem to be a pretty wide gulf between them and us, despite them having to face reality these days.

I don’t feel too guilty at taking a lighthearted swipe at them in ‘Open House’. They’d probably laugh along too. Trouble is, at 77p, they probably can’t afford it.