A Solution for the Undecided Voter

So I recently did an article for Yahoo! News, and I must say that it was the finest thing ever written. My article was in the political arena. Despite the fact that the election is 3 months away, I still manage to be undecided about who I’m voting for. I am suffering from the standard libertarian dilemma. The republican candidate is far too socially conservative while the democratic candidate is far too fiscally liberal. Here’s the thing. I want a candidate that is going to allow me to live my life and I don’t want them sending a bunch of IOU’s to China in the process. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently it is.

I’m for gay marriage. I’m pro-choice. I’m for the legalization of marijuana, as well as a whole host of other drugs. Included in those drugs is birth control. Not only do I think that all forms of birth control should be available at large, I also believe that the government should drive down the street in high tech vans quipped with blow dart guns. Every time they see a welfare mom with 6 kids trailing behind her, no job prospects in site, I think they should nail her in the neck with a hefty dose of Depo-Provera.

Seriously, those people don’t need to be breeding.

As far as I’m concerned, anything you choose to do to your body is no problem whatsoever until it starts to impinge on my personal liberty. The second I have to pay for your drug rehab, your fourth kid, your PTSD and any other bullshit your trying to claim having to keep from going to work, I get annoyed. I am the political equivalent of ‘don’t poke the bear.’ Sleepy and happy when left on my own, to do my own thing without government interference.

Then these fuckers went and poked me. Growl.

Get out of my life government. I don’t need you. Oh, wait, you’re offering me insurance now? Great, let’s do the math.

Last year, I went to the doctor 1 time. Total cost? = $239.75

Instead of just paying out of pocket, I paid my employer 137.52 per month for insurance coverage. Total yearly cost? = $1650.24

Awesome government, I just paid $1600 for a doctor’s visit. Thanks for your fucking help. In the future, can you just stay the hell out of it? Apparently, whenever you get involved in my life, simple things start costing me 1600% more. Thank you democratic party. No wonder everybody thinks your retarded.

Then the conservatives step in. No gay marriage. Why? Well, because the church, that they are supposed to keep separated from your state, tells them it’s wrong. Well conservative, if you’re so afraid that getting gay married is going to send you to hell, I would strongly suggest not marrying a member of your same gender. Leave everyone else alone. Love is a personal choice, not a political platform.

Oh, and Chic-a-Filet, the only opinion I care about from you is the one that involves the appropriate way to fry a chicken. As for moral opinions, I’ll stick to my own moral compass and I’ll thank you to stick to preparing shitty fast food. Seriously, nobody cares what you think.

The way I see it, both parties have it wrong. I’ve gone through their websites. I’ve read their views on everything and it all pulls together like one of those sailboat pictures that you can’t see until you step a few feet away from it and have a shot of tequila.

We have no choice. We must elect them both.

They don’t just cross party lines…they obliterate them.

I know you all think I’m crazy, but I think I have a great point. Everytime Obama tries to pull out his American Express to cover some kind of scientific study on the effectiveness of dill pickles on depression, Romney will be there to say ‘oh, hell no.”

Every time Romney gets ready to send his SWAT team of Mormons into to some unsuspecting gay couples bedroom, Obama will be there to say “not cool man, not cool.”

I think we need to force them to work together, much like some kick ass buddy cop team that needs to work together to get things done in the end. Sure, Obama’s an idealist, given to seeing the best in people. But then his pessimistic partner Romney is there to reel him back in and force him to see reality. Then, when Romney is trying to blow his brains out “Lethal Weapon” style, Obama is there to tell him things get better and he’s really going to wind up marrying  smoking hot Rene Russo.

Ugh, I’m getting to old for this shit.

But whatever, I’m still pretty convinced that my vote wont matter much. In the end, it will get buried under a bunch of votes from people who voted based on the commercials they see or the internet chain-mail they received. Yet another American president will be elected based on who’s tallest and I don’t know why I give a shit anymore.

Fuck this. I’m moving to Canada.