Liveblog: chapter one

Okay, before we get to chapter one, there is a synopsis of the plot. Literally, the whole crazy plot. I can only assume that this is intended for readers who can’t bear to get through Cartland’s prose. Which is fair enough. Although even this summary is written in Cartland’s inimitable style with a new paragraph for each sentence. We are also warned that this is her 412th book. No wonder she’s run out of good ideas.

There is also a tedious author’s note about the history of steeplechasing with a lot of incorrect capitalisation.

Right, then. Deep breath. Chapter One. 1836.

Oh, dear lord, this never gets better. Our heroine, Valessa (which is not a real name in 1836 or at any other time), opens proceedings by saying, ‘It is a nice day for dying.’ She has a sudden impulse to stay alive because she had breakfast, but thinks better of it. I wish I could say that she got on with the dying, but no.

So, Valessa has been living on her own, gradually selling everything in her house or bartering it for food. Now she’s run out, she can’t think of anything to do but die. Yes, she is that pathetic. It had obviously never occurred to her to work, for instance. Valessa, we’re told, had posh parents but her father was cut off from his family without a penny. She had an idyllic childhood travelling the world until her mother died and her father spent all the money gambling. And then he, most inconsiderately, died, leaving nothing but a pile of debts and a useless daughter who can only… speak… in… ellipses.

Lots of inappropriately-capitalised people come to collect on their debts. Valessa thinks that if only she could get to London, she’d be fine. Then she decides she’s too scared. This is because some men once looked at her in what she thought was a frightening manner. But then, as she points out to herself, ‘Her hair had in the past always seemed to shimmer as if the sunshine was in it,’ but now it’s long and limp and dull. So who knows what will happen?!

Anyway, she puts on her warm coat, which she thinks will help her drown more quickly. She’s on her way to drown herself when someone knocks at the door spoiling everything. Someone turns out to be three Gentlemen carrying a woman who has fallen off a horse.

The woman is the enormously rich Lady Barton from Ridgeley Towers (wonder if that’s where Andrew Ridgeley came from before his Wham! days). She’s supposed to be very attractive, as the Grocer’s son says of her suitors: “Loik flies roun’ a ‘oneypot they be.” So that tells you everything you need to know about Barbara Cartland’s views of ordinary people. Lady Barton is a rich young widow whose money derives from the slave trade. Valessa is shocked! Shocked, I tell you.

While Valessa binds up Lady Barton’s arm, the woman tells her Gentleman friends that her current lover has declined to marry her. Apparently she thought her horses would make up for her vulgarity, but he was not convinced. She claims he said, “My dear Sarah, you are very attractive and very exciting! At the same time, when I marry it has to be to somebody whom my family will consider my equal!” Sorry, I should have warned you about the exclamation marks.

Now, to be fair, one of Lady Barton’s friends does respond by saying, “I do not believe it! No man could talk like that!” Sadly, the rest of the book proves that Cartland disagrees.

Two more important facts come out: one of the friends does a good impression of Lady Barton’s lover, and Lady Barton has An Idea.