The Erotic Uses of Strawberries

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Well, it is not as if there was any doubt about it. She had the strawberries ready, and we all know what that meant.

Obviously, if I’d been a tabloid reporter, this would be the point I’d make my excuses and leave…

but I’m not…

…so I didn’t.

After all, I had paid…..

And the strawberries looked very tasty.

Anyway, after some of the most low-down filthy and highly-charged sexual experiences it has ever been my pleasure to indulge in, and - it should be remembered - I once went on a day-trip to Luton. We used up all of the strawberries in what was later confirmed as a World Record Time.

Afterwards, of course, we had a nice cup of tea, and I asked her if she’d ever been to Luton herself. However, she did decline to answer in case she incriminated several members of parliament, many top-flight business men as well as the seven premiership footballers who had all taken out injunctions against her mentioning any mutually-consensual strawberry-related activities they had indulged in whilst in her presence.

However, she did happen to mention what she did get up to with a bestselling author and a punnet of strawberries, but we all know what writers are like. Even though writers are justly well-known for their extensive and extremely-skilful sexual techniques, you wouldn’t necessarily want one in the house.

Still, that is Luton for you.