The Quotable Peanut

Tomorrow I'm going to tell how my ridiculously stubborn child finally came to add a word to his vocabulary after months of "mama" and the nonsensical "igilee." But today, I'm going to share with you a few choice quotes from him that will make my tales of his non-talking days seem even more unlikely. What can I say, they're funny enough to undermine my own credibility.

For the first batch, a little context. My son honestly has a way with the ladies, young, old, and in between. Recently, a birthday party invite arrived from a female friend of his who was to turn seven. This invite asked Peanut to attend a slumber party. I called the HMIC (Head Mom In Charge) to see what other boys would be there.

"None," she said. "Your boy will be the only boy."

"What are they going to do at this party?"

"Eat pizza, eat cake, and watch My Little Pony."

I turned to my son. "Hey! Peanut! You want to go to an all girls party and stay the night?"

"No," he replied simply. "Wait, what will I do there?"

"Eat pizza, eat cake, and watch My Little Pony."

His eyes widened with pure joy. "I would love to go to the party!"

And so he went. It was his first sleepover anywhere other than Grandma's, but he was very sure and serious about it. I expected him to lose it when another one of the guests inevitably lost it. Instead, he probably would have gone the distance, except he wasn't playing any of the girl games. While they played princess or dress-up or whatever, he changed into his Batman PJs and snuck around fighting imaginary crime. Finally, the Senior Partner went to get him and, to keep him from getting upset about coming home, fed him a line about how I was missing him at home and so very sad without him. Thankfully, he bought it.

But not before he graced the party with some incredible lines.

When handed a glass of the party punch all the kids were drinking, he exclaimed, "If I drink that, I think I'll fall on the floor!"
The scene of the party is a two-story house with a very stout gate to keep the younger kids from going up and down the stairs. Peanut spent a few minutes yanking on it, but it wouldn't come open. The Birthday Girl came over and deftly popped the latch for him. "What amazing girls," he breathed before tearing upstairs.
We watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic in this house, I don't care if we are both boys. It's a great show. When we first started watching it, Peanut declared Rainbow Dash was his favorite. This kinda surprised me because Rainbow Dash is, frankly, a jerk. Flash forward many months to the birthday party. Rainbow Dash is also the favorite of the Birthday Girl, and we got her one I hoped she didn't already have. As soon as she opened it, Peanut yelled excitedly, "We got you Raindbow Dash! She's a jerk!"
The kids were, for once, all playing in the playroom. Peanut came out and asked his hostess where a cape was so he could be a superhero. The girls apparently have a Snow White cape or something, so she told him to go look harder. A few minutes later, he came back, still without a cape but "flying" around. When questioned, he said, "Don't worry, I found an invisible cape."
While the girls played What Time Is It, Mr. Owl? Peanut insisted, "I don't like owl games. I only like solar system games.
The Hostess had a broken toilet. The breakage made it very difficult to flush. Not realizing there was a problem, Peanut used the facilities. When he couldn't get it to flush, he came downstairs for help. "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, but I'm not strong enough to flush that potty."

Just so you don't think that slumber parties with girls are the only sources of amusement, let me share a tidbit from Saturday night. The Senior Partner and I had a wedding to go to and asked some friends of ours to watch Peanut for a few hours. They were happy to do it, so we dropped him off, and headed toward the wedding.

While sitting there waiting for the ceremony to start, my phone buzzed an alert. I had been mentioned on Twitter! I lurve it when I'm mentioned on Twitter, so I instantly checked it out. And this is what I found, sent from the friends who were watching my only son.

"When asked if he wanted to eat, your son said, 'Something disastrous came out of my body fast. And it hurt my bottom.'"

Hey, I want to be mortified. But that's comedy gold, people! You can't be embarrassed when it's that funny.