Did I just read that shit?

From the cover of Fifty Shades of Crap--Grey



When literature
student Anastasia Steele is drafted to interview the successful young
entrepreneur Christian Grey for her campus magazine, she finds him attractive,
enigmatic and intimidating. Convinced their meeting went badly, she tries to
put Grey out of her mind - until he happens to turn up at the out-of-town
hardware store where she works part-time.



The unworldly,
innocent Ana is shocked to realize she wants this man, and when he warns her to
keep her distance it only makes her more desperate to get close to him. Unable
to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants
her - but on his own terms.



Shocked yet thrilled
by Grey's singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of
success – his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving adoptive
family – Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control.
When the couple embarks on a passionate, physical and daring affair, Ana learns
more about her own dark desires, as well as the Christian Grey hidden away from
public scrutiny.



Can their relationship
transcend physical passion? Will Ana find it in herself to submit to the
self-indulgent Master? And if she does, will she still love what she finds?



Erotic, amusing, and
deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess
you, and stay with you forever.




Obsess, possess and stay with me forever? Only because I can’t
get those hours of my life back. Where the hell do I begin with this one? Oy. I’ll
warn you now, there will be spoilers . Not that the book holds any surprises
anyway. But some of you might want to experience the horror fresh as I did.






Believe it or not, I do not like giving a negative review to
any book. I’ve resisted this series because I knew from the first lines I
wouldn’t like this book. But I had so many fans of the series saying “Oh, if
you’d just read it. You can’t say a book is crap unless you’ve read the entire
thing.” So, in that spirit, I read it and I’m personally offended that anyone
would think this is the kind of erotica a normal, grown woman would enjoy. It’s
not hot and it’s certainly not scandalous. The orginal intent was to review this for OFW’s Spotlight, but I
just can’t. The Edge is the better place for what I have to say about Fifty
Shades of Grey.



Okay, the characters:



Anastasia Steele is an insecure, unbelievable embarrassment
to the female population in general. If you like her, you are also an
embarrassment and I’m afraid we’ll have to break up. I just cannot be in a
friendship with someone who finds this girl relatable. It was nice knowing you.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.



But seriously, you expect me to relate to a twenty-something
virgin who has never masturbated? Right. But then again, she believes that
pigtails are a way of keeping a man’s carnal thoughts or something at bay, so I
suppose it’s possible she might believe that pleasuring herself is icky. She
blushes every other paragraph and refers to her naughty box as “down there.” And
while we’re on the subject of blushing, let’s get one thing clear, when you’re
in a character’s POV, said character can’t describe what she cannot see. Second,
she blushes crimson? Blushing the shade of crimson is impossible.



Ana is a useless waste of flesh. She’s indecisive, selfish,
immature, and doesn’t have an ounce of confidence. The only times she stands up
for herself are when it makes no sense to do so. She lets him spank her, but
argues about a new car. She allows him to insult and demean her, yet argues
about accepting a book. In terms of picking her battles, she’s dumb as a box of
hair.



But let’s leave poor, pathetic Ana alone. She’s barely able
to wipe her ass without fucking it up. We’ll move on to someone who can defend
himself. Christian Grey is a misogynistic, abusive, controlling piece of shit asshole.
His only redeeming qualities are that he’s hot (as we’re told ever 500 words or
so), he’s rich, has an enormous cock (although Ana has no frame of reference,
so I’m willing to bet he’s more of Joe Average Dick than Super Cock Man), and
he can make women orgasm on command. “You may come.” Really?! Thanks for giving
me permission. I'd have never figured it out on my own since good girls don't masturbate.



Christian is not attractive or appealing. I will not lay
awake at night touching myself while imagining him and his oversized unit. James tries to sell Christian
to the reader by having Ana go on and on about his charm and how "ridiculously
good-looking" and “hot” he is. The only thing about him that’s worth
dreaming about is his superpower. What superpower? Weren’t you paying
attention? Christian can control a
woman’s orgasm. Every time he orders it, Ana explodes in ecstasy a millisecond
after. When he tells her she’s not allowed to climax, she doesn’t. That is a kickass
superpower if you ask me. If I could just find out the radioactive material he
fell into to get it, I’d have my bikini and diving goggles ready.  Then I’d be on the street ordering every woman
to “come.” World peace would not be far away.


The other part of his supernatural what-the-fuck abilities
is how he’s able to orgasm and five minutes later be rock hard again. Mommies
out there, you know that is simply not physically possible, no matter how hot
you are. Stop dreaming. It’s time to face reality: Penises need time to…regroup.






And the repetition! I tried not to read this like a writer
but how am I to ignore the 80 times she says “Oh my” or the bazillion times she
says crap or holy whatever? I can’t ignore that. Of course, a man who can fuck
a girl so “hard” that he rips through her virginity and makes her climax on
command, only to take her from behind with his glorious erection not ten
minutes later might elicit a few “oh my’s.” Sadly, his “oh my” qualities are
cancelled out by the fact that he’s a total fucktard who I’d rather
neck-punch than sleep with.



Also, he is obsessed with Ana’s food intake and sleeping habits. Um…yeah. In their “contract” he asks that she exercise and be slim and in shape, but then he’s shoving food in her mouth all the damn time and fucking her until she collapses in exhaustion. Goodness I gotta get me one of those.



Mentioning these things once or twice would’ve made it clear he’s got a preoccupation with food, but no, James has to hammer the point home again, and again, and again…kind of like how Christian gives Ana pleasure. Just hammering away at her special place until she’s “shattered.”




Speaking of sex, this trilogy has been
given the tag “mommy porn” so let’s examine the porn factor.




Christian has a playroom. Seriously, he calls it his
playroom. Ana calls it the Red Room of Pain, or something like that. I refuse
to open the book again to check.






Were the sex scenes well written? The sex was boring. I’m
far from a sexual dynamo, but I’ve had better sex than I read in this book. I’m
positively vanilla when compared to some, but even compared to Christian and
Ana’s “kinky” sex, I’m a fucking revolutionary in the sack.



Simply put: The sex in FSOG is nothing scandalous and nothing
new. I suppose your response to the sex scenes depends on your
(limited) experience. For me, it was a lot of slamming, thrusting and spanking.
I mean, come on now. She’s a virgin, and yet she orgasms despite his hammering
her hymen into oblivion? The problem is that it’s just so unrealistic for
anyone who’s had sex with a man. Seriously. You don’t believe me? Let’s look at
a few lines:



“He kneels up and
pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?”
"Don’t worry," he breathes, his eyes on mine, "You expand too."



How does one "kneel up" anyway? Pulls a condom on. That’s interesting. Just what is “considerable
length” in inches? I’m curious. And yes, my dear Ana, his considerable length
will shred your insides when he slams it into you like the two-dollar whore you’re
so worried about becoming. How? Usually tab A goes into slot B and you go from
there.  And he's right, you'll expand. How romantic, eh? 






“I cry as I feel a
weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.”



That’s all you felt? Really, Ana? Ripping through your “virginity”
would not elicit a mere pinching. It would burn like the fires of Hell.



I’m sorry, I can’t buy into the myth that is Christian’s
sexual prowess. He’s a teenager stuck in a man’s body. Considering Ana’s never
had any sexual experience, not even with her own fingers, it’s hard to believe
her assertion that his little Mister is a gigantic beast of an organ.



Also a hand job with a soapy washcloth is asking for
trouble. That’s dangerous stuff to be jamming in your hoo-haw ladies, unless
you enjoy bladder infections and whatnot. Turns out that Ana is a bit of a
superhero too though. She’s got no gag reflex. Can you hear the men fighting to
get a piece of that action? That first ever blowjob is certainly praiseworthy.
She deep throats the shit out of his massive cock and she swallows. Well done, Ana the innocent. I am impressed. Kurt
would love to have your phone number, Miss Steele.




And then there’s the tampon scene. "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And...gently pulls my tampon out and
tosses it into the nearby toilet."






I imagined it couldn’t possibly be as bad as everyone was
saying, but reading it, I realized that oh yes it is indeed a disturbing and
awful scene to behold. Not because I’m against sex during menstruation. That’s
fine. It’s great. Sometimes it’s fantastic. But keep your damn paws off my
tampon. There’s a line that just shouldn’t be crossed. Tampon pulling is on the
wrong side of that line. And the author must have missed health class in high
school. She’s got Christian all horned up over Ana menstruating because he can’t
get her pregnant so he won’t have to use a condom. How many of you know a girl
who believed that myth about not being able to get pregnant when you had your
period? Yeah, I know a couple…and their kids.



I can let crappy characterization go. I can even let stale,
shitty dialogue pass. I cannot let a shitty plot just sit there being shitty. There’s
no story. They meet, he controls, they fuck, he abuses, they fuck, he controls,
she cries, she runs, he stalks, they fuck, he abuses, she cries, one last fuck,
and they break up.



The message of this novel is that you CAN change an asshole if you do whatever he wants you to do.
We’re talking about a man who is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.
She doesn’t like what he does to her. She flat out says it—wait, no. That’s not
right. She says she doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t hate it. Much more clear. Christian
is controlling, possessive, condescending, and just mean sometimes. Ana puts up
with him because she thinks if she can give him what he wants she’ll have
control over him. Does that work? Not in real life it doesn’t. This message is
irresponsible. How many women have already wasted their lives on some
emotionally retarded jackass like Christian because they think they’re living
in a fairy tale where their dreams will come true in the end? Far too many. “Oh,
if I could just find out why he is the way he is, I can save him and we can be
in love and have a future and oh my, I’m so fucking stupid.”



To be honest, Christian Grey makes Edward Cullen look good
to me. Yep. Don’t you roll your eyes at me. Ana is about as repulsive as Bella. They're not characters, they're husks.



A bestseller? Ugh.



What I thought as a writer:



The repetition in this book is unbelievable. Ana oh my’s,
craps, jeez’s, holy shit/fuck/cow/Moses/hell/craps, gasps, murmurs, whispers,
bites her lip, inner goddesses and subconsciously this or that’s more than
fifty times each in a single book. Some of these words/phrases appear more than
100 times, folks. 100. Times.



“May I suggest you do
some research, so you know what’s involved.” Christian says to Ana about
the contract and what being a submissive means. Ahem, may I suggest you do the same Ms. James?



I read an interview somewhere in which the James says she
didn’t research BDSM before writing this. Believe me, it shows. Did she research anything? I think
not, considering the WTF moments I experienced while reading. There are also
moments that are not only impossible, they’re inconsistent.





A girl that says whoa, hot and such repeatedly does NOT use
words like taciturn, nor does she refer to her brain as medulla oblongata. (which
for those not wanting to Google it, is the lower part of the brain stem
responsible for autonomic functions such as breathing, heart rate, digestion,
etc.)






Is the actual technical term for a butt plug a butt plug?
And what’s this about “preparing” one’s ass for anal sex? It’s not really a process
unless you’re training for the anal sex Olympics. Seriously, you can do it whenever
the urge takes you. A little lube and some care, and you’re good to go.
Research woman!






You should never flush a tampon. Jesus.






Christian tells Ana that he doesn’t play games. He fucks…hard.
Yeah, real hot, Mr. Grey. Real hot. You make my teeth sweat…and my palms itch.






Ana is thrilled at sucking on her very own Christian Grey
flavor Popsicle. Hmm. Not sure that flavor could take off in the real world.






If I ever hear anyone say “whoa” again, I’m going to shoot
them or myself. Not sure which yet.






PS: Kissing and biting toes is never erotic. Not at my
house. Ick.






And “Aargh?” What place does that word have in a sex scene?
She’s describing arousal and such, and the girl says “Aargh.” Thought I’d
wandered onto a pirate ship.






Laters baby? How about “Fuck off” asshat?






I wish she’d bite her fucking lip right off to be honest.






“Mewl.” Ugh.






If her inner goddess would just die, it would improve the
story immensely.






And let’s address this moth to a flame nonsense. Ana’s inner
dialogue repeatedly likens her relationship to Christian as like a moth to a
flame. First: Moths are not actually attracted to light or flames. It
temporarily stuns them, so they fly around blindly to get AWAY from the source
of their confusion. They are not attracted to it. Look it up.







Everyone is just calling each other baby all over the place
too. Aargh! I be gatherin my crew to make them all walk the plank if they be sayin baby one more time.






“It’s only just not
painful.” What does that even mean?






Her mother is on her fourth marriage, so Ana assumes she
must know something about men. Honey, if you’re on the fourth, you obviously
haven’t learned the basics about men and relationships.





Okay, I’m almost done. Overall the book reads like a teenager wrote it, and that's insulting to the intelligence of almost every teenager I know. I'm sorry, but it's the closest comparison I can make to the juvenile feel of the characters and the story. To top it all off, there's no real ending.
Sure, it’s the first in a series, but there should be some kind of conclusion. This
is just cutting the damn thing off at a convenient place and putting the rest
of the shitty "plot" in the next book.



Worst book I’ve ever read. It will remain Fifty Shades of
Crap—no wait. It has been retitled Fifty Shades of What the Fuck is this Shit and Why Did I Read It?