"The Wikipedia Page of Rebecca Primwell"

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Text by christopher.harn

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Rebecca Primwell is a historical figure known for making global warming in September of 1803, in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. Primwell, only 6 or 7 at the time, confided in her mother that she had wished upon a shooting star for eternal summer. Her horrified mother contacted the nearby authorities immediately, but the damage was already done. Rebecca was sentenced to 10 years in the local penitentiary, and the details of her life afterwards are near nonexistent.

Her actions as a youth, however, are still felt around the world; not 5 months later, Richard Trevithick constructed the world’s first steam locomotive. It wasn’t long before mountains of coal were being burnt into the atmosphere. Rebecca Primwell had unintentionally jump-started the industrial revolution, and through it had instigated what we now know as global warming. She would never see her ruinous wish come to fruition, but nonetheless her wish is being slowly, arduously, granted.

Of course, global warming is still in effect today. Scientific conferences have discussed what will happen once the other seasons die off, as there will still be varying degrees of summer over the course of a year. They have settled on the pleasant, unpleasant, toasty, and lethal times of the year, each roughly corresponding to our current seasons. It should be emphasized, however, that these are technically not seasons, but rather different flavors of the single season of summer.

Instituting a global “Rebecca Primwell Day” has increasingly gained traction over the years. On this day, the severe dangers of wishing on shooting stars would be stressed in public schools around the world. 

One thing is irrefutable: global warming is all Rebecca Primwell’s fault and hers alone. Nobody else is remotely to blame for global warming in any degree; it’s totally Rebecca’s fault.

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