I crack myself up (First Draft excerpt from Restricted Access)

This is where I’m supposed to yell,
“SPOILER ALERT!”

 

I can’t help it. Sometimes I get so tickled, I just need to share it with someone. I mean, where does the shit rolling around in my head come from, really?  Without further discussion (for fear of the answers), I invite you to laugh with me – or at me, whichever you prefer.

(EXCERPT: RESTRICTED ACCESS, Scene – on the run with orphaned infant in Bolivia)

     The baby woke up three times in the long night, and each time my worry grew about the dwindling milk supply. Tomorrow, we’d be on the move again, and with nothing to feed him, Xander was bound to cry and possibly call attention to our location.

On the third feeding, when Fred returned to his post to take watch, I mentioned the issue to him. ”I don’t know how long I can make this stretch. I’ve only been feeding him a little at a time, but he’s getting hungry more often.”

“Just do what you can. When you think he’s had enough to settle, pacify him and see if he’ll go back o sleep.”

I snorted. “Pacify him? With what?”

He smiled one of his rare, playful smiles. “God gave them to you for a reason.”

My eyes couldn’t have gotten any wider if he’d danced around naked in front of me. “Uh, isn’t that a little weird? I mean… we just met.”

It sounded stupid, but it was true. The kid had been in my life less than twenty four hours. There was just something wrong about whipping out a boob; it’s not like they could even produce anything.

“I’m sure he won’t mind – I wouldn’t.” His voice was laced with wicked laughter.

“Okay, I never thought I’d say this, but eww. Those two thoughts should never be connected. He nurses on breasts. You, if anything, would suck on tits. Two totally different things: motherly, loving breasts – sexy, spectacular tits. Anything that mixes the two is just perverted and weird.”

“You’d be surprised how many people would disagree. However -” He grabbed my hand, holding it up in front of my face in the predawn glow. “I was actually talking about your fingers. Let him suck on your pinkie.”

My eyes narrowed on his laughing face. “Nu-uh. You said you wouldn’t mind sucking on them. You were not talking about fingers.”

His eyes sank to half mast as he slowly brought my hand to his mouth. Soft warmth surrounded the tip of each finger, tugging at nerve endings I’d forgotten I possessed. The scrape of his teeth on the pad of my pinkie sent a shiver down my spine, to places that immediately perked up and begged for attention.

“Oh god. Alright, I concede the point. I’m the dirty birdie with smut for brains. My mistake. You can stop now.”

He smiled and went back to his post. I’d almost gotten my heart rate back to normal when he claimed the last word. “Sexy and spectacular, huh? I can’t say that I’d mind that either.”