2nd Test Selection Exclusive

Following the humiliating result of the Oval Test, I have been given a secret look at the England selectors’ preliminary thoughts for the second test line-up. This is the probable team.

A. Strauss

J. Smuts

J. Trott

P. W. Botha

K. Pietersen

L. Voortrekker

M. Prior

N. Robben-Island

B. Afrikaaner

R. Apartheid

E Terre Blanche

12th man: N Mandela

Coach: Andy Flower

Andy Flower has commented that he would love to give jobs in the England team to more English people, but unfortunately they are all scroungers caught in a benefit culture (c. I. Duncan-Smith).

“They just don’t want to do this kind of hard physical work”, said Flower, “English people are too obese and can’t get up for an 11am start. They don’t have the skills and they don’t have the work ethic. They can only play cricket if it’s on their Playstation. That’s why the England team finds it more viable to employ South Africans. We are much more hard working and effective.”