The Actuality-Exposition Structure

As an addendum to the last post, I thought I'd give you another variation on that passage as a demo of a particular fault I often see in manuscripts I critique, a problem with the writing of action that I've come to think of as the Actuality-Exposition Structure. What does that mean? Well, here's the example redone:


Tal took a casual gander through his spyglass. Below him, over hoof prints