Vodka: The New Cure

I’ve been developing this theory for quite some time now about the healing properties of Vodka.

I believe if you drink vodka, it will kill whatever is trying to kill you.

Call me crazy…( I won’t care, because I’m too busy drinking)

but here’s some line items I put together in support of my theory.

1. The name “vodka” means water, which we all know we should drink at the very least 64 ounces of a day.

2. Back in the 1400′s the word vodka referred to chemical compounds such as medicines and was considered a medicinal drink. (as in, it could cure you from stuff)

3. A number of Russian pharmaceutical lists contain the terms “vodka of grain wine” and “vodka in half of grain wine”.  Bet you wish you could call in THAT prescription to CVS and have it covered by insurance!

4. As alcohol had long been used as a basis for medicines, this implies the term vodka could be a noun meaning ”to dilute with water”. Grain wine was a spirit distilled from alcohol made from grain (as opposed to grape wine) and hence “vodka of grain wine” would be a water dilution of a distilled grain spirit. So it hydrates you like water and cures you like medicine. Um, yes please!

5. Most vodka today is produced from grains such as sorghum, corn, rye or wheat.

(Fiber IS necessary in a healthy diet)

6. Some vodkas are made from soybeans (great source of protein), grapes (they are a fruit) and even sugar beets(Its on the pyramid in the vegetable section).

7. Vodka mixed with diet sprite is considered the drink of choice if you are looking to keep your calories down.

8. Vodka has no smell…which is great if your a mom and you need to hide in your room and cry and drink your vodka and then go back out into the house and pretend everything is fine.

9. If you are cleaning your house and you run out of cleanser, guess what, you can use vodka. So handy.

10. It looks like water, so if you want, you can even bring it to the gym. Nobody will know the difference. It’s not like they can smell it! (See #9)

So drink up and remember, with the rising cost of health insurance, you might just want to settle on the $9.99 special. You can even get it in cotton candy flavor! Can you say THAT about liquid percocet?

*Disclaimer: In no way is any of this information something you should take seriously. If you are under 21 and reading this, don’t do anything stupid and try to sue me, I have no money dude. If you are even younger and you are reading this, than there is a good chance your parents aren’t around because they are getting drunk on vodka right now. Mostly because you drove them to drink. Because you didn’t clean your room, do this dishes or got a bad report card. Punk. You should show them some respect by getting your friend with the fake ID to pick them up a bottle of vodka, just so they can tolerate you.