An apology
I'm not really sure if this should be on a public filter or a friends' only filter, but in the end I've decided that friends only was probably better. I think everyone who this effects can read it on this filter, anyway. Okay, on further reflection, I'm making it public just to be safe.
ETA: Because there's been some confusion in comments I've been getting: this isn't specifically a post about friends who I've just fallen out of touch with because I've been overwhelmed with starting up a freelance business and ill (though their feelings are just as important to me), but a post about people (many of them also friends) in a work/writing/editing relationship with me who have been depending on me for edits or correspondence I have been bad at providing. I hope this clears that up and isn't overexplaining and doesn't sound wrong.
This is kind of hard for me to do, not because I'm reluctant to do it, but because I always seem to misjudge these things, say something wrong, and upset people even further. Please understand. I'm trying to word everything as carefully as possible while feeling pretty anxious and depressed (and feeling the beginnings of a tension headache). But I really didn't want to leave this alone until I felt better. This year, for one thing, "better" hasn't been for more than a few days at a time. For another, I didn't want to chicken out.
Okay. So.
I know I've been difficult to reach since November of last year, and I know that I've been particularly hard to reach the past few months. There are a lot of reasons for this, but you all(or mostly all) probably know what they are. I thought I was being upfront in explaining what was going on, and I thought I was trying my best. But recently it's come to my attention that a few people I care deeply about and respect a lot were really hurt and/or angered by my silence or lateness in replying. Or thought that I was deliberately ignoring them. Or thought that I was just being irresponsible. Or thought a few other things that I probably haven't heard yet or haven't fully understood.
I'm sorry. Deeply sorry about making any of you feel this way and for any problems or upset I caused you. And I admit fully that, while I thought I was doing my best at the time to handle some pretty intense situations (job loss, worsening health, etc.), that I could have done a lot better, been way more communicative, and probably saved everyone a good deal of grief if I hadn't taken on so many projects to begin with. I've been aware that I overload myself with work for quite sometime, and I've been trying to do better at NOT doing that. And I know I've failed, and failed you. I wish that I could go back to November of last year (or maybe even sooner; September would have been nice) and change nearly everything I did. Starting with going on a higher dose of anxiety meds immediately.
But I can't. And all I can do now is move forward.
I understand completely if you don't forgive me, or if you never want to talk to me or work with me again. I hope that you will forgive me and still want to stay friends, of course, but I know I don't necessarily deserve that, and of course that it's not my call to make.
I'm sorry if any part of this apology comes across as excuse-making, or insincere, or defensive. Again, I've tried to word it to come across as sincere, non-excuse making and honest as I feel, but I know I may have failed. In any case, I'm not posting this for reassurance that y'all aren't mad at me or hurt, and I'm not posting it to get support or to be told "no no, Jo, you didn't hurt me!" The long and short of it is that I know I have severe problems handling stress/anxiety, and organization, and probably a host of other things I am unaware or only partly aware of. I'm not entirely sure how to fix everything, but I'm reading as much as I can about time management, and anxiety, as I can, and it's practically all my therapist and I talk about anymore.
I'm leaving comments open, but screening them in case anyone wants what they say to me to be private. You can also reach me at upstart.crow@ gmail, same as always. I'll respond to every message there, but can't respond to comments here without unscreening them. You can say whatever you want, and I promise I won't be defensive or snappish, and I will take what you say to heart.
ETA: Because there's been some confusion in comments I've been getting: this isn't specifically a post about friends who I've just fallen out of touch with because I've been overwhelmed with starting up a freelance business and ill (though their feelings are just as important to me), but a post about people (many of them also friends) in a work/writing/editing relationship with me who have been depending on me for edits or correspondence I have been bad at providing. I hope this clears that up and isn't overexplaining and doesn't sound wrong.
This is kind of hard for me to do, not because I'm reluctant to do it, but because I always seem to misjudge these things, say something wrong, and upset people even further. Please understand. I'm trying to word everything as carefully as possible while feeling pretty anxious and depressed (and feeling the beginnings of a tension headache). But I really didn't want to leave this alone until I felt better. This year, for one thing, "better" hasn't been for more than a few days at a time. For another, I didn't want to chicken out.
Okay. So.
I know I've been difficult to reach since November of last year, and I know that I've been particularly hard to reach the past few months. There are a lot of reasons for this, but you all(or mostly all) probably know what they are. I thought I was being upfront in explaining what was going on, and I thought I was trying my best. But recently it's come to my attention that a few people I care deeply about and respect a lot were really hurt and/or angered by my silence or lateness in replying. Or thought that I was deliberately ignoring them. Or thought that I was just being irresponsible. Or thought a few other things that I probably haven't heard yet or haven't fully understood.
I'm sorry. Deeply sorry about making any of you feel this way and for any problems or upset I caused you. And I admit fully that, while I thought I was doing my best at the time to handle some pretty intense situations (job loss, worsening health, etc.), that I could have done a lot better, been way more communicative, and probably saved everyone a good deal of grief if I hadn't taken on so many projects to begin with. I've been aware that I overload myself with work for quite sometime, and I've been trying to do better at NOT doing that. And I know I've failed, and failed you. I wish that I could go back to November of last year (or maybe even sooner; September would have been nice) and change nearly everything I did. Starting with going on a higher dose of anxiety meds immediately.
But I can't. And all I can do now is move forward.
I understand completely if you don't forgive me, or if you never want to talk to me or work with me again. I hope that you will forgive me and still want to stay friends, of course, but I know I don't necessarily deserve that, and of course that it's not my call to make.
I'm sorry if any part of this apology comes across as excuse-making, or insincere, or defensive. Again, I've tried to word it to come across as sincere, non-excuse making and honest as I feel, but I know I may have failed. In any case, I'm not posting this for reassurance that y'all aren't mad at me or hurt, and I'm not posting it to get support or to be told "no no, Jo, you didn't hurt me!" The long and short of it is that I know I have severe problems handling stress/anxiety, and organization, and probably a host of other things I am unaware or only partly aware of. I'm not entirely sure how to fix everything, but I'm reading as much as I can about time management, and anxiety, as I can, and it's practically all my therapist and I talk about anymore.
I'm leaving comments open, but screening them in case anyone wants what they say to me to be private. You can also reach me at upstart.crow@ gmail, same as always. I'll respond to every message there, but can't respond to comments here without unscreening them. You can say whatever you want, and I promise I won't be defensive or snappish, and I will take what you say to heart.
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