Rock of Ages Review by Leia Shaw

 

Another ill-informed, half-assed but hopefully entertaining review. This time about the movie version of the Broadway musical, Rock of Ages.

The Plot: Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world… Barbie lookalike Sherry (played by some chick who looks vaguely familiar) travels from Oklahoma to LA reeking of wide-eyed innocence with dreams of stardom. She sings like an angel and smiles and trots down the strip until real life comes ripping through the pretty ballad and steals her suitcase.

Rocker wannabe Drew (played by someone I don’t know) spots Sherry getting mugged and gets her a job working at Bourbons – a grungy bar and popular rock-and-roll spot. The quirky cast of characters is introduced via song – this is a musical if you don’t know that already. But the good thing about it being all 80’s rock is that you don’t really have to be a good singer. As evidenced by Alec Baldwin, the club’s owner Dennis. He’s assisted in running the business and vocally carried by Lonny (played by Russell Brand).

Drew has a great boy-next-door-with-overgrown-hair-trying-to-be-bad-ass vibe going on that makes me just want to pinch his little cheeks. And you can really believe he’s been lured into the city by fame and fortune and promises of chicks with big hair. Like most musical romances, he and Sherry fall in love by scene three.

So Bourbons is broke and shutting down, with no help from the mayor’s wife (played by Catherine Zeta Jones) who clearly has a vendetta against rock-and-roll. She’s looking all MILF in her snazzy pencil skirts, gathering church ladies to sing and dance about how rock-and-roll is raping our children’s ears and turning them into delinquents who don’t wash their hair or kiss their mothers anymore. The horror! And let me tell you – their dance ain’t so G-rated. Meanwhile her hubby, the mayor and clearly just the face of the partnership because it’s obvious who wears the pantsuits in this relationship, is literally getting spanked in the church office.

So it’s snooty church ladies against the stick-it-to-the-man, in-your-face youth of the 80’s in this lively and fun film. Hey, that’s almost sounded professional, didn’t it?

In scene four, we meet Stacee Jaxx, the classic drunk-on-your-ass, always shirtless rock god, covered in women, pimped out with rockstar bling – and one notable crotch, um, piece that was quite interesting. Anyway, he’s supposed to be the guy we all love to hate cause he’s an ass. And he is. But I didn’t hate him. By the end of the movie, I was straight up in love with him. And not because of the gratuitous nipple shots either. He’s the bad boy turned good and I’ll let you find out why.

A journalist from Rolling Stones (played by Malin something-or-other) does an interview with Stacee looking all naughty librarian with her big glasses and buttoned up collared shirt. She’s all like “Dude, you used to be a visionary but now you’re a washed up, drunk, womanizer rehashing old material cause you’re too goddamn lazy to write new shit!” Or something like that. You can tell she’s the first one ever to challenge him based on the pained expression on his face and the introspective song that comes next. When the end of the song nears, naughty journalist and Stacee have wild sex on a pool table and you can tell by the lyrics “I Wanna Know What Love Is” that Stacee really wants to know what love is. Can naughty journalist help him find true love? Can Stacee find himself again by singing a variety of emotional 80’s rock ballads with a surprisingly decent voice?

So, then a bunch of stuff happens – mainly a small miscommunication – that splits up Drew and Sherry, who also both quit working at Bourbon. Mary J Blige enters the scene as owner of a strip club where Sherry gets a job as a waitress. But the real money is in dancing. Should Sherry sell her body even if it is attached to a catchy rock song that makes me wanna strip down and grab the nearest pole?

And should Drew – who gets picked up by Stacee’s sleazy agent – sell his soul for money by giving up rock-and-roll and joining a boy band instead?

Acting: Russell Brand plays the same character he does in every movie – funny British guy who dresses weird. He and Dennis are friends with a twist toward the end that was so unbelievable I thought it was a joke for the entire song about it and I’m still half-expecting Russell Brand to pop out and say “nah, we was just shittin’ you.” But he made me laugh, and as you may know, that is the key to my heart.

Love-struck couple Drew and Sherry were predictably good. Yes, I know I glazed over that like honey on a ham but I don’t really care about either of them and it’s my review and I wanna talk about TC instead.

Tom Cruise. I admit it. My faith in TC wavered before seeing this. I thought, what dumbass cast this movie? On a personal level, like most good actors, he’s completely unbalanced. But as a professional actor, the man can do no wrong. And Rock of Ages is another example of Tom Cruise brilliance. The cocky bad boy thing started out a little over the top but by scene six, stage left, we started seeing his vulnerable side and I just wanted to give that poor, misunderstood man a hug! With my tongue. In his mouth.

Mary J Blige was awesome just cause she’s Mary J Blige and I love her.  Catherine Zeta Jones managed to be sexy and uptight at the same time.

TC’s nipples were, I believe, played by themselves. They were very good. Firm and erect.

And the Swedish chick who played the journalist was awesome! Just the right amount of sexy and awkward and funny.

Bottom line: If spontaneous dancing makes you roll your eyes and you think Rent is what you’re late paying every month, maybe this movie isn’t for you. But if you air guitar to 80’s rock and you’re a certifiable Gleek, you’ll love this movie!

As for me, I LOVED it! Had a great time! Wish I could go again!

Filed under: romance