Confidence ain’t that easy
During an orientation talk at Duke’s Fuqua School of Business, Coach Lawson delivered a message about confidence and why, of all things, we so often leave home without it.
“Ever since you were born and able to dress yourself,” she told the students, “you’ve never left the house without clothes on, right? Like ever. Because if you did, you’d get arrested.”
The crowd laughed.
She continued: “We laugh because it sounds silly, right? That you’d ever leave the house without your clothes on. But we will consistently leave the house without our confidence, multiple times a week, multiple times a month, multiple times a year. That’s the most important thing to bring every day.”
It’s a fine message, except that to leave your house every day with confidence, you need to possess it.
This is not as easy, I think, as Coach Lawson believes.
I consult with leaders in almost every industry today. I work with Fortine 100 CEOs, nonprofit leaders, and literal billionaires. I am hired to coach and consult on storytelling, communications, marketing, and branding, but the question I am asked constantly is about confidence.
How did you get it?
Can it be coached?
Can you help me find confidence?
Can you help me strengthen my confidence?
Can you teach a workshop on the subject?
It’s all well and good to tell people to leave the home with confidence, but they need to have it first.
Can it be taught?
I once thought no. Confidence is born through experience.
Overcome enough obstacles.
Solve enough problems.
Conquer enough mountains.
Suffer enough defeats.
Slay a dragon or two.
Thus, confidence is born.
And I think that’s true.
But I’ve been asked about this so often that I’ve been thinking long and hard about it. Taking notes. Researching. Planning.
Yes, I suspect it can be taught alongside exercises designed to help a person build confidence through exploration, exposure, and struggle.
At its core, confidence is born from two things:
Relentless, unwavering belief in oneself combined with a relative disregard for the opinions of others.
Absolutely, confidence is formed at the intersection of those two things.
If you believe in yourself but are also obsessed with others’ opinions, you will struggle with confidence.
If you care little for the opinions of others but think poorly of yourself or your capabilities, you will struggle with confidence.
But combine the two, and you have one of the greatest superpowers on the planet.
Confidence makes life so much easier. It makes goals more attainable. It makes dreams more possible. It reduces, and maybe even eliminates stress and worry. It makes mountains less steep, roads less treacherous, and journeys less taxing.
Yes, Coach Lawson. One should not leave home without confidence, but please let us not assume that confidence is something everyone possesses or can easily attain.
If this were the case, leaders of enormously successful companies would not be asking me to help them become more confident. Performers would not be asking me how to feel more confident onstage. I would not watch so many people crumble under a crisis of confidence that leaves them exposed to a world filled with unexpected problems, insidious people, and seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
As I begin to think about my goals for 2026, one of them will be to teach a confidence class for anyone interested.
I’m not confident that it will work, but I’m supremely confident in my ability to give it a damn good try and deliver exceptional value (probably for free the first time), even if I fall short of the goal on my first go-around.
