Am I the Only One?
Am I the only one who has had a relationship that created confusion and angst?
I will answer my own question: I don't think so. When there is disharmony in a relationship everyone wants to claim how right they are. People say they want harmony while they stand in their corner of the boxing ring waiting to beat the other person, convince them to think the way you do, convince them to make peace, to behave as you want, and to accept the part where they are wrong. These tormenting relationships are rich with lessons just awaiting the healing process to deeper understanding of yourself and to learn how to forgive and let go.
FYI - forgiveness is not the same as giving approval for someone's actions. Forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is what you want to do with the pain inside your own heart. Allow them to stand in the boxing ring while you step out of it and walk on in spiritual development.
We cannot move on, in peace, without forgiveness. What does this mean? It means that even though we might think we are moving on because we have made a self-promise to not let the matter bother us, forgiveness doesn't fully work without a resulting inner peace. If you still hold a grudge or resentment, you have not moved on. Peace does not cover up the pain with the mind; peace comes through the heart. The mind's natural state is to grab hold of the situation and work it so that we can understand how to make ourselves right in the eyes of the other person. But that has nothing to do with forgiveness. It simply has to do with being good at manipulation.
When you examine the relationship in your mind and heart from all angles, it becomes easier to employ understanding, compassion, and empathy. Then what winds up evolving is an altered pain. Remember the other person has had a life of experiences that impacted them to behave and think the way they do. Unless they want to accommodate you; they won't.
Peace comes without effort, especially when you realize that the actions of the other person had nothing to do with you; their actions or reactions had to do with their choices and the continuity of their lives. Of course, we influence each other and in that light we make them react. But we don't change them through it.
Psychologists will tell you that you can't make people feel anything. That's psychobabble designed to empower you. Of course we make people feel certain emotions. If I told you that you just won $50,000 I can make you feel happiness. If I stalk you, I can make you feel nervous. If I take your purse and run while you are walking down the street I can make you fearful around blondes who walk past you. But then what? What you do with that because whatever it is, is up to you, completely. That is where we disempower the harm others cause us.
All relationships are partnerships. When you decide you don't want to be in a partnership that hurts you, then you can make a decision more objectively. When you find yourself feeling detached compassion, impersonal compassion for someone in that position, then you have set a seed for your own freedom and the readiness to forgive. Forgiveness is an intricate process. It doesn't just happen because you want to be free of the pain.
When you have opened room to forgive, through a deeper understanding, you know that you have overcome, triumphed, and are standing on fertile ground to forgive. At that point, you are free to have your energy and mental powers for other things. You can forgive, not condone, and let go and move on with your own life.
What did I do about my situation? I did what any writer does: I wrote and wrote and wrote. The result? The Basket Weaver now an ebook on Amazon, or it can be ordered at: www.createspace.com/3553668 in paperback. Writing heals. I haven't felt the pain of this relationship since the book was completed.
Find that voice within. Pour it out on the page and don't stop until you are done crying, fretting, understanding, employing compassion, and screaming. Let it all out.
Until next time,
Jan
I will answer my own question: I don't think so. When there is disharmony in a relationship everyone wants to claim how right they are. People say they want harmony while they stand in their corner of the boxing ring waiting to beat the other person, convince them to think the way you do, convince them to make peace, to behave as you want, and to accept the part where they are wrong. These tormenting relationships are rich with lessons just awaiting the healing process to deeper understanding of yourself and to learn how to forgive and let go.
FYI - forgiveness is not the same as giving approval for someone's actions. Forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is what you want to do with the pain inside your own heart. Allow them to stand in the boxing ring while you step out of it and walk on in spiritual development.
We cannot move on, in peace, without forgiveness. What does this mean? It means that even though we might think we are moving on because we have made a self-promise to not let the matter bother us, forgiveness doesn't fully work without a resulting inner peace. If you still hold a grudge or resentment, you have not moved on. Peace does not cover up the pain with the mind; peace comes through the heart. The mind's natural state is to grab hold of the situation and work it so that we can understand how to make ourselves right in the eyes of the other person. But that has nothing to do with forgiveness. It simply has to do with being good at manipulation.
When you examine the relationship in your mind and heart from all angles, it becomes easier to employ understanding, compassion, and empathy. Then what winds up evolving is an altered pain. Remember the other person has had a life of experiences that impacted them to behave and think the way they do. Unless they want to accommodate you; they won't.
Peace comes without effort, especially when you realize that the actions of the other person had nothing to do with you; their actions or reactions had to do with their choices and the continuity of their lives. Of course, we influence each other and in that light we make them react. But we don't change them through it.
Psychologists will tell you that you can't make people feel anything. That's psychobabble designed to empower you. Of course we make people feel certain emotions. If I told you that you just won $50,000 I can make you feel happiness. If I stalk you, I can make you feel nervous. If I take your purse and run while you are walking down the street I can make you fearful around blondes who walk past you. But then what? What you do with that because whatever it is, is up to you, completely. That is where we disempower the harm others cause us.
All relationships are partnerships. When you decide you don't want to be in a partnership that hurts you, then you can make a decision more objectively. When you find yourself feeling detached compassion, impersonal compassion for someone in that position, then you have set a seed for your own freedom and the readiness to forgive. Forgiveness is an intricate process. It doesn't just happen because you want to be free of the pain.
When you have opened room to forgive, through a deeper understanding, you know that you have overcome, triumphed, and are standing on fertile ground to forgive. At that point, you are free to have your energy and mental powers for other things. You can forgive, not condone, and let go and move on with your own life.
What did I do about my situation? I did what any writer does: I wrote and wrote and wrote. The result? The Basket Weaver now an ebook on Amazon, or it can be ordered at: www.createspace.com/3553668 in paperback. Writing heals. I haven't felt the pain of this relationship since the book was completed.
Find that voice within. Pour it out on the page and don't stop until you are done crying, fretting, understanding, employing compassion, and screaming. Let it all out.
Until next time,
Jan
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