You might be a serial killer if…

I’ve seen the look a million times now and I know exactly what it means.  It starts with a widening of the eyes and a sharp intake of breath and is usually followed by at least one step back. It’s the “you might be a serial killer” look and I get it a lot.

No, not because I actually look like a serial killer (at least that’s not the look I am going for).  It’s the look I get from fans who have read Asylum Lake and are having a difficult time connecting my quiet and calm demeanor with the bloodthirsty carnage and creepiness I write about. Sure, I have written about using hedge-clippers to take off the hands and feet of small children, but that doesn’t mean I actually have a collection of their little fingers and toes in my basement freezer (note to self – buy a new larger basement freezer).

I firmly believe that my writing about all things bloody actually makes me less prone to be a serial killer; I kinda get it out of my system in a very healthy and non-violent way. Besides, it all seems like so much work. Between the act of actually doing the deed and then everything that is involved with the cleanup afterward, I would much rather sit behind this keyboard and let my imagination do the heavy lifting.

So here are my top three clues to look for to determine if you or someone you know might be a serial killer:

If you drive a white van – you might be a serial killer.  Seriously, am I the only one who believes every white van on the road is either driving to or from a crime scene?
If you’ve ever been inside the crawl space of your home – you might be a serial killer. Can anybody tell me what these are used for – aside from burying bodies?
If your neighbors think you are just a quiet guy who keeps to himself – you might be a serial killer. I defy you to find me even one TV interview where a neighbor says after the police roll up, “Yeah, I suspected that dude was making lampshades out of human skin and keeping severed heads in his fridge.”

How about you? Got anything to add to this list?