Why We Are A Family (original introduction, 2005)
I began this series of books on family relationships with a story about my family reunion, which takes place every Thanksgiving. I said that my family, now nearly seventy members strong, is the kind that embraces you, nurtures you, and loves you immeasurably. My family has been the bedrock of my life, understanding, accepting, loving, helping, and teaching me at every step along my journey. From my family I learned to put children first, respect elders, give care and solace to those in need, be thankful always, give and receive affection often, live up to your word and duty, forgive and let go, have fun, and never overlook a chance to tell someone “I love you.” It is my family that I think about when in moments of reflection I ask myself what am I worth, what have I done with my life, and what am I going to do tomorrow? My family not only comforts me, they also give me meaning and purpose.
When I was young I would have told you that the definition of a family was a husband and wife and their natural-born children, all living under one roof. As I grew older and life events touched my family, I found reason to revise that definition. As divorce, death, or remarriage occurred, as enduring couples chose not to marry, I saw that merely being “intact” or having proximity and commonality did not define a family, and that the complexity of human relationships demanded a broader, more malleable, inclusive definition. I believe now that a family is not just the traditional two-parent variety that remains untouched by divorce, but also includes blended families and single-parent families. These are indeed “families” because they share the same love, commitment, and concern that make a family what it is. I believe this because I have seen familial love extend beyond traditional family boundaries and legal arrangements, because I have felt the unmistakable gravitational pull that binds people together, the unconditional, unrelenting pull of the heart.
Although I boast of my family, it is in truth not unlike any other. We have been touched by death, divorce, disappointment, division, difficulty, and deception. We have secrets, conflict, and memories of broken promises. But we also have a rich history, treasured traditions, a theme of togetherness, a desire to embrace one another, a determination to overcome whatever separates us, and a will to welcome whomever wants to be among us. Yes, there are many examples of our fallibility, but there are many more of our love for one another and our lasting fellowship.
Perhaps the best example of what I describe about my family is illustrated in the following story. We were surprised one day a few years ago to learn that there was a new member of our family, someone who had been unknown to us for nearly twenty years. It was arranged for her to attend one of our gatherings, and on her arrival it was obvious to us all that she was one of us. Hours later, when all headed home, we left richer for including her in our family, and she went away with the knowledge that a bunch of once strangers were now a part of her family. Today we also count her husband and newborn child among us. It was this experience that taught me that you don’t have to be born into a family to become a member of one, and that you don’t have to earn the love and trust of family—it is yours without the asking.
In each book of this series I have focused on one of the relationships within a family – daughters and dads, sons and mothers, grandchildren and grandparents, and so on. In the course of writing these books and photographing those who shared their time and stories with me, I was struck by the love exchanged between the subjects of the particular book I was working on. But I was also struck by the palpable good feelings exchanged between everyone in the room who watched as I worked. Some of those watching were stepparents and stepchildren, others were adopted or foster children. None were of the opinion that they were not a family. All believed that what they shared was special, and all were proud to be the faces that would lend meaning to my words. By the end of my photo sessions it was more obvious to me than ever that my new definition of family was not unique to me – others shared it, lived it, and loved it.
While I initially intended to write about family relationships as a way to give thanks and recognition to those I love, I soon found the work caused me to be introspective.
In many ways my books are confessional. I have shared with my readers that my only child is from a family divided by divorce. I have also shared that her mother and I have worked together, albeit not always easily, to give our child as much of a sense of family as we could given our circumstances. I have shared my fears, my regrets, some of my pain, and most of my hopes. What I haven’t shared is my disappointment about not having the three children that I once hoped for, my concern that my daughter, Meagan, was missing something growing up as an only child, and my terrible loneliness in my empty house when she was spending time with her mother. These emotions sometimes kept me awake at night, brought tears to my eyes, or led me to pray for guidance and relief. Sometimes I would write about my feelings, hoping the exercise would give me an additional measure of strength to better carry my heavy burden.
And then one day when I lest expected it, God’s grace rained down on me and my prayers were answered. Jill came into my life and brought with her a wonderful family of her own. Not only did I gain the benefit of falling in love and being loved in return, I gained a new extended family, one that welcomed me from the start and continues to extend sincere affection to me. I also gained the opportunity to have an important role in another young girl’s life, to be a father figure for my wife’s child, Linley. Meagan gained a stepsibling and the chance to know firsthand the love, fun, and trust that I share with all of mine. I now have a house that seems to never be empty. I wake up each morning happy to embrace my duties to these three women. I take great pleasure in readying the day for them and in the playful banter we share as each makes her morning appearance. I go to bed grateful that this blessing has come into my life, that I get to be both husband and father, that I have a family. That in our house, we have submitted to love’s gravity, and it pulls us closer together, day after day.
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