Monday Notes: 5 Lessons Learned From Planning Black Adoptees Meetup by Myself

In 2024, I co-founded a group called Black Adoptees Meetup. Another woman and I organized that event within two months. We brought 25 Black adoptees from around the States to meet for the first time. It was beautiful. It was necessary. It was powerful. So, we thought we would do it again. But this time, we had twelve months to plan. This time, it would be better! Well, that’s what I thought.

January and February of 2025 we met virtually. Then, our meetings and communication about the event stopped abruptly. Something was wrong with the woman I was working with—something that to this day, she hasn’t explained. So, the hyper independent little girl in me sprang into action: I chose the venue and the menu, selected the hotel, created a website, manned the email, partially managed the social media account, and executed two virtual meetups, all without her help.

Months later, 31 adoptees arrived in Chicago. The energy was electric. For some, this was the first time they’d been in community with others who had similar experiences and who looked like them. This meetup helped them to feel less isolated.

An event like this should’ve felt like an accomplishment, a culmination of hard work. But it didn’t.

I wasn’t prepared for my cofounder to stand slack jawed as everyone showered her with thank yous and gratitude for all the work she’d done. I wasn’t prepared for her to shirk accountability through silence. Saying nothing leaves everything up for interpretation; saying nothing creates assumptions. People thought she’d done something. And she allowed them to hold that assumption.

After the meetup, when everyone had returned home, she called to apologize, but by then, the damage was done. The narrative set. And I was left feeling used and betrayed.

However, as usual, I’ve taken time to process my emotions. What follows is what I’ve learned with brief explanations:

DON’T PLAN MAJOR PROJECTS WITH PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW

I met this woman in February 2024. Six months later, we called each other “friends,” and planned an event. This is absurd. Tricia Hersey once posted that People really think they can connect with you on Monday and yall gonna be collaborating on business on Wednesday. According to Hersey, this is a result of capitalism, and subsequently, grind culture. I agree. I should’ve slowed down, gotten to know her and her work ethic, and then made a decision.

RECOGNIZE RED FLAGS SOONER

If I would’ve gotten to know this woman first, then I would have noticed small things. In retrospect, she had used me before. There was the time she wanted to go live on social media—even though it was my birthday—to capitalize on “a reel that had gone viral.” There was the time she asked me to fly out of town to interview her for a live podcast. Even after leaving me to plan this event solo, she thought it appropriate to ask if I’d interview her for her 100th episode. It’s giving exploitation and I’m no longer here for it.

FUNCTION IN A MORE BALANCED WAY

My sister and I frequently discuss how we’ve accomplished great things all while living with mental health issues. Sometimes, we judge others for not being able to just pull it together and go be great, even when they’re not feeling well. I know this sounds very GenX of us. I’m not saying smile when you feel shitty. But I am saying our mental health issues shouldn’t debilitate us. Mental health is at the forefront of many conversations now. So, I think it’s time we attain some self-awareness and find ways to do better. This year, I did something I shouldn’t have—planned the meetup to the point of burnout. I shouldn’t have done this.

GET MY GEMINI SUN IN CHECK

She’s unruly, y’all. This year, I planned and co-hosted a workshop about sexual liberation, planned and co-hosted a workshop about indie publishing, memorized Doechii lyrics and did a mini performance at my birthday party, published a new essay, and planned this meetup. Trust me, I’m not bragging. As I write this, I’m literally recovering from a cold brought on by the above-mentioned burnout. I’m aware that I must do less. Geminis are known to be quick and flighty: we spawn ideas, execute ideas, then run toward new ideas. That’s me all day! But not anymore. Just like vetting people, I will limit the number of projects I agree to.

USE MY VOICE WITHOUT CUSSING SOMEBODY TF OUT

I’ve share this before: Back in the day, I used to just say whatever came to mind. Today, I no longer do that, but if I’m in a situation that requires careful communication, I’m quiet. I know my mouth is reckless, and I don’t want to say something my future self will regret. The energy around this meetup was familiar. At the event, I was hella angry, but I didn’t want to throw my cofounder under the bus. I said nothing in order to protect her public persona, while making myself physically ill. I know how to use my voice when necessary, but in some moments, I freeze. I’ll be working on this.

Welp. That’s what’s been going on with me. Let me know if you have any advice or if anything resonates. I’m all ears.

Postscript: There is one woman who recognized I was doing everything by myself. She reached out, offered help, and made the load lighter. I’m not naming names. She knows who she is. And for her, I’m forever appreciative.

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