Who Are You Without the Nots? - A reflection on knowing Self, beyond roles and relationships

“You have to know yourself, well enough to trust yourself, well enough to be yourself and know that that’s enough.” — Onami



When someone asks, Do you know yourself? what do you say?I’ve noticed that many of us respond with what we are not.“I’m not a morning person.”“I’m not into cars.”“I’m not a people person.”Or we reach for roles: “I’m a mother,” “I’m an accountant,” “I’m a wife.”Sometimes we name our struggles: “I’m anxious,” “I have anxiety,” “I’m messy.”But rarely do we answer from the inside out.
Rarely do we say: I am curious. I am tender. I am resilient. I am joy.Why is that?
The External MirrorIt’s easy to define ourselves by what we do, who we’re with, or what we’ve survived. Careers, relationships, identities—they offer structure. They give us language. But they’re also temporary. If I am only “a wife,” what happens when the marriage ends? If I am “an entrepreneur,” who am when the business folds?I’ve learned that when I tie my sense of Self to something external, I risk losing myself when that thing shifts. And everything external can shift. That’s the nature of life.
The StrippingIn my own journey, especially in intimate relationships, I struggled with worth. I felt more “myself” when I was with someone I admired—smart, funny, charming. Their presence validated mine. But when the relationship ended, I felt less than. I questioned my value. I thought: If I couldn’t keep this, maybe I’m not enough.It took being stripped of the externals to see me.Not the partner. Not the title. Not the performance.Just me.And in that quiet, I found something unexpected: Self Trust.

The KnowingTo know yourself is not to list your achievements or your affiliations. It’s to sit with your own rhythm. To name your values. To feel your essence. It’s to say, I am here. I am whole. I am enough. Even when the roles fall away. Even when the relationship ends. Even when the job title changes.That kind of knowing builds trust.And trust builds freedom.
The InvitationSo I ask again: Do you know who you are?Can you answer without the “nots”?Without the roles?Without the relationships?Can you name your Self in a way that remains true, even when everything else changes?If not yet, that’s okay. The journey is the knowing.And every time you choose to sit with your Self, you choose wholeness.
Peace and Blessings