I want to diesappear

I don't see hope anymore. I am still alive, but barely breathing, just like the lyrics of that popular song, which I couldn't even remember the title of. I have a failed career and a long-distance relationship.
Life hasn't been working out for me the past few months, and being in a long-distance relationship can drive me crazy sometimes. There were times he called me obsessed because of how affectionate I am towards him. Is it wrong to show love to my boyfriend: in words, in action, or in any way I can?
I just miss him so much. I want to be with him. I want us to be together. 
I miss my man, and I am acting crazy sometimes or all the time.
Saying I love you and miss you is a sentence that I look forward to in his messages, but sometimes I still wonder if he really loves me. 
Why didn't he marry me?
Why did he let me go back to the Philippines?
Why did he let me go?
I have my answers in my mind, and those answers hurt me. They are painful.
Just today, I was expecting him to call me back because I held back from calling him consecutively early in the evening. He said he wants to relax on a Friday night. I let him. Was it too difficult to call me back and say good night just to check in or pray together? Was it too hard?
I tried to call him, but he didn't answer. I am having anxiety whenever he doesn't answer my calls, especially on a Friday night. Was he with someone? That's why he's not answering the call. I communicated this to him and am still waiting for a response, if ever he will still contact me. He's thinking I have gone crazy already. I called him maybe fifty times or more on Messenger, posted an SOS message on his Facebook account, and called him on his phone number, but still no response or call back. Does he really love me? Does he still love me? He seems so comfortable not answering my call nowadays, so unlike him when we just started dating. 
A guy tends to work harder during the dating stage. They tend to be more tolerant of the woman they are dating. They are extra in the wooing stage. 
But once they are in the relationship, they start to get mean when the woman is already so into him, like when she is already head over heels for him. 
Is this still love? Is this the relationship I was waiting for? I have my boyfriend at the age of 34. I have waited so long and reserved myself for him. I have always believed in dating to marry, but I guess that's not where I am heading. I am already 35 and I desire to have my own family. I was hopeful it would happen four months ago, and guess what, it didn't happen the way I wanted it. He's not ready when I am so ready. 
Sometimes, it hurts to see other people have their families at this age. I want to be happy for them, I truly am. I don't want to feel bad seeing them happy with their family, but sometimes, or most of the time at this age, I can't help but feel jealous or envious. I always ask God for forgiveness for feeling that way. 
I want to be content with what I have and where I am right now. I want to be grateful, thankful for what He has given me, what He has blessed me. Truly and genuinely, I want to be just grateful and joyful, but today and some other days, it is hard to do that. 
I thought love and relationships weren't going to be this hard. Sometimes I just want to die so I don't feel the pain and hurt, all the rejections, shame, and the feeling of not being good enough.
I want my tears to dry up. I want this pain to end. I want to disappear. Diesappear in this world.