Try the ‘Next-Day Rule’ Hack for a Happier Marriage

Do you want a simple hack that can help your husband be delightfully engaged—rather than accidentally prompting him to withdraw? Well, pull up a chair and take a few quick notes on what we call the “next-day rule.” This approach may not matter to every man, but in my research studies with men it’s pretty close!

First, let’s look at why such a hack is needed.

Imagine it’s Saturday morning. You’ve just slept in (gloriously—and possibly for the first time since flip phones were in style), and you realize the house is quiet. Your husband has made you coffee and left a note: “Took the kids to the park. Enjoy the peace and quiet.”

You settle into your favorite chair with a book you’ve been wanting to read. Later, the whole crew bounds back through the door, the kids excitedly chattering about playing tag and getting caught in the sprinklers.

You sincerely tell your husband thanks for the quiet morning, and he gives you a hug and says it was his pleasure. Then you notice that your oldest has a grass stain on his dress shorts—the only ones he has that still fit and are nice enough for church. “Oh honey,” you casually say to your husband, “by the way, could you not let Jared play in these shorts anymore? I had them set out for church tomorrow.”

You notice that his face falls. Or maybe he doesn’t say anything, but you notice that he’s distant. Or maybe he even says, “Nothing I do is ever good enough” and walks away. Probably leaving you completely confused. You weren’t criticizing him; you were just asking him to do something differently.

What you don’t realize is that instead of feeling appreciated for giving you a morning alone, by hearing a correction on the end of a “thank you” he may feel like you’ve kicked him in the gut.

But it’s just shorts, you might be thinking, perhaps even indignantly. And I hadn’t planned on needing to do laundry today. Don’t my plans matter too?

Of course, your plans matter too! But I’m assuming we want to know not just what we are saying—but what they are hearing. Furthermore, if it’s “just shorts” this morning, loading the dishwasher “incorrectly” in the afternoon, and buying the “wrong kind of milk” at the grocery store later—men in my research consistently say it starts to feel like death by a thousand cuts. In those moments when he gets corrected after trying to help, the “advice” or “helpful input” we’re trying to give demoralizes him. He feels disrespected.

Now, again, this is almost certainly not what we intend. But if he’s like most men in our surveys, it is almost certainly how he takes it.

In my research for For Women Only, I found that sharing this type of “helpful advice” in the wake of something our man has done (“That was great! But next time could you…”) consistently causes him unseen, daily pain. And we often don’t even recognize we’re causing it. I cringe thinking how often I did this to Jeff in the years before starting this research.

Yet if you’re like me, you might also be thinking: But what if we need to share some helpful advice?! What if he hasn’t done something the way it should be done?

Ladies, I’ve got a two-step solution that will help you determine when to speak up, and how. This hack will help your marriage—and your man—immeasurably. It will help bring out (and avoid squashing) the delightfully engaged husband that he wants to be, for you.

Step #1: Ask yourself: Will this issue be important tomorrow?

In the grand scheme of things, how important is this “correction? Will this situation matter enough tomorrow to hurt my husband’s feelings today? Some situations, if left unaddressed, will create some sort of longer-term negative impact. We are all adults here, and your man will understand the reason for that correction, even if it still stings a little that he failed you (which is how it feels to him).

But if the answer to that question is “no,” then it probably isn’t worth bringing up right now … or at all. When majoring on the minors causes consistent pain to someone you love, it’s just not worth it. (And that goes for all our relationships.)

So before you say something, ask yourself: does it really matter that your husband loads the dishwasher differently than you or buys 2% milk instead of 1% milk? Or is what really matters the fact that the blessed appliance is loaded and running and there’s milk in the fridge for breakfast? (We also might want to ask ourselves: is our way of loading the dishwasher really “right” and his way “wrong?” Why is his way not just as legitimate?)

Bottom line: when the kids run in from the park, let him enjoy the fact that he’s “done good.” He’s probably feeling pleased with himself for making your life easier and making you happy. If you are pleased and happy, don’t cause him to think otherwise! Correcting him—especially in that moment–will trigger his secret feeling that he doesn’t measure up. And since, according to our research, that’s his most painful feeling, he may eventually just shut down and stop trying.

By contrast, sincerely noticing and thanking him for something he’s done makes a huge impact. (True story: three out of four men said that in my survey for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages).

But what happens if the answer to the “will this matter tomorrow” question is yes?

This leads us to Step #2…

Step #2: If it needs to be addressed, if possible, address it the next day

Suppose you’ve noticed that your husband makes a great dinner—but often berates your son at the dinner table for how much time he spends on his phone. Now, the kid probably needs some boundaries and discipline, but you feel your husband is consistently too rough on him. And since you believe it could hurt their relationship, you feel it is definitely worth addressing.

If your man is working to accomplish something (dinner), and one element of it needs attention (how he talks to your son), it will often be received much better if you address it the next day. It may not always be possible, but consider tapping the brakes and tabling your input until tomorrow.

Waiting until the next day to offer your thoughts will help you convey “I noticed and appreciated your effort”—even if it wasn’t perfect (Jared wearing dress shorts to the park). Or if it’s something more serious it says, “I took time to think and pray about this.”

For example, when you see the grass-stained shorts, you might spray on stain remover and throw them in the washer without comment. Then the next day (if it’s important enough to mention), you might say, “Hey, thanks again for taking the kids to the park. Just so you know, Jared is down to that last pair of shorts for church or nice events. So can you steer him toward athletic shorts for daily stuff?”

Or, if you’ve heard your husband getting on your son’s case, the next day you might kindly say, “Honey, do you mind if I raise something? I was watching Shane’s face when you were talking to him about his cell phone use. I don’t want to see your relationships suffer over this. Maybe you and I could come up with some boundaries for him together and let him know we love him, we care about his health, and because of that, we are going to be limiting his phone time.”

It might take some practice to wait a day—especially for those of us who are verbal processors. But if we want a happy husband (and a happy marriage), we must learn how to address things in a way that doesn’t cause that regular, unseen, punch-in-the-gut feeling to our man.

Bottom line, by asking ourselves “will this matter long-term” and by (if possible) waiting overnight to kindly say something, you give your husband the gift of enjoying the delightful fact that he made you happy. Which will likely lead to him wanting to do it again. Sounds like a win-win to me.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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